Under attack

Last Friday I was sitting in front of the computer editing some photographs when all of a sudden someone ran up behind me and smacked me on the forehead with a big hammer. Blam! At least that was what it felt like. On the right, just above the eye. Bugger. Sudden onset migraine with none of the usual warning signs.


I've been a migraine sufferer since I was a teenager and over that time I have learned what triggers them for me, how to cope and what helps me best. In short I know what to do. I usually suffer with common migraines with just the head pain, nausea and photo and aural sensitivity. They usually last around 24-48 hours and then I am left with a post migraine fog for a couple of days where I find it difficult to function properly - I can't think straight, I find it harder than usual to find words and get words mixed up easily. Most of all it leaves me tired and washed out. I could sleep for a week.

However, sometimes I have a persistent migraine that lasts from three to seven days or so, known as status migraines. This one has turned out to be such a one. Six days and counting. The pain is not so bad right now but is getting worse (again). My eyes ache and I have the brightness on the screen turned right down. It's getting me down as I cannot keep on with my exercise while I feel so awful and washed out. And thank goodness for spell check. Migraines are not just 'bad headaches' they are a painful condition which means you cannot function properly. I cannot wait for this one to leave so I can resume my life again.

Bad Bobkat!

The title refers to me of course but has a dual meaning. I have, of course been quite remiss lately. I haven't been blogging much and have failed to visit my lovely blog friends. It goes without saying that it is my loss. I am often in awe at the way someones blog can make me smile on a bad day or inspire me or just make me think. I miss these connections and yet there is always something demanding my time at the moment.

I have also been ill for a while. Anyone that knows me on Facebook will have seen some status updates hinting at various ailments but the truth is that I am run down. My immune system just seems to have lost the will to fight and lets every horrid little bug doing the rounds set up home. I am currently suffering from another chest infection, I have also had a cold that lasted and lasted and been generally run down which prompted blood tests. If this wasn't fun enough, had a migraine that lasted a whole week. That was not fun. I have also been pulling long days at the office which haven't helped but that work ain't gonna do it itself!

So, I am bad. Remiss for neglecting my blog friends, who despite evidence to the contrary, I value greatly and poorly sick bad. It's getting me down.

On a more positive note I am working (when I can summon the energy and the time) on a personal photographic project which I hope to share here soon(ish) and I have also been asked to photograph a wedding and do a dog portrait. Nothing is ever all bad eh? : )

Soooo tired

I am tired. Very tired. No, that doesn't sum it up enough. I am tired down to the very cells in my bones. I am so tired I have no energy to do anything. I am writing this in a good moment and to tell you the truth if I closed my eyes I would go to sleep right here, right now on the sofa, sat bolt upright with my laptop.

I constantly feel listless. Doing anything feels like wading through treacle with a huge weight on my back whilst going uphill in gale force winds. I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything, let alone actually do anything. Work is very stressful and busy at the moment also, which isn't helping at all and it feels like things at home are falling apart as housework remains undone because I'm too busy falling asleep. It's all very frustrating. I have made an appointment with the doctor as something is clearly not right and the only thing that is obvious, even to my confused and tired mind, is that this can't continue. I feel crappy and if I had the energy I'd probably cry.

So, I doubly appreciate those of my blog friends who pop by here to say hello. I am sorry I have been neglecting you and I owe you all a visit and just as soon as I can fit you in between naps.

Not a lot else going on in my life at the moment (no energy) but it is my birthday this Sunday coming when I celebrate a milestone birthday. Lord knows I don't feel that old but the calendar assures me it's true. I'm going away for the weekend to celebrate with M as if I waited for my family to throw a party or something I'd turn blue and fall over if I held my breath. It has ever been thus and quite frankly I'd rather have a quiet time away then a few drinks with a couple of friends another time. One plus point of getting older is you know who your real friends are, and it isn't always your family. Friends are indeed, the family you choose.

Of course, when I get back home after my weekend I get my kittens which are my birthday present to myself. The purrfect present! I know it's a bad joke but hey it's the best I could do on my batteries. If you see the Duracell bunny tell him I need a recharge. Thanks!

Bobbing along

So..it's been nearly a week since I last blogged but I have a good excuse, honest. Well, actually it's not that great but it's true. Work has been a tad on the busy side and quite a big tad on the stressful side. Change has become de rigour at work but this one is particularly painful as our team is being merged with another and the culture and modus operandi is so different that it's akin to mixing oil and water. Unfortunately the new boss took a JFDI approach to managing the change and now quite a few people are demotivated and disillusioned.

On top of that it is time for the end of year appraisal and I have been trying to write mine, something I always find difficult to do. I want my achievements to be recognised but then I don't want to over do it and give the impression that I can walk on water and do a neat trick with loaves and fishes.

On top of that, I went for my blood test this week and have been informed that I need to have another one in 3 months. Why? Because they are not happy with my thyroid function. Apparently my half a thyroid has not taken over as well as hoped. I told you I felt run down didn't I? This would help explain the uncharacteristic tiredness which is accompanied with bouts of uncharacteristic grouchiness due to feeling tired and having to cope with the hoohar at work.

On top of that I have used all my spare worry time on Bob. Since he came home last week I have kept a close eye on him, but the good news is that he is doing fine on the steroids. In fact, he is quite his old self apart from being very thin (though he eats fine). I took him back to the vets today and we decided to continue with the steroids and see how he goes, though I have been warned once again that this is simply buying some quality of life time. I know this, that is why I have already researched pet cremation places nearby. I don't want to have to deal with finding things when the time comes and this also helps me mentally prepare.

The truth is we don't know how long Bob has left but we will make it as good as possible for him. Bob of course is currently sulking at me for taking him to the V.E.T.S. and he let his opinion be known by throwing up on the way home. Right now, I'm just glad he's doing well, and will take his feedback in my stride. I hope I get better feedback from work next week when I discuss my appraisal. Right now though I'm just looking forward to a nice long bank holiday weekend, with a dash of sun please if that's not too much trouble?

The Best News!

I am not going to beat around the bush or draw this out. I have just got back from seeing the consultant at the hospital and I have been given the best news! My thyroid tumour was a benign Hector! This means no more surgery and no nasty treatments!

I was so pleased when I received the news I could have hugged the humourless consultant. My joy must have been catching as he even broke into a smile. I cannot begin to describe the absolute relief I am feeling right now. It has been very stressful living with the thought that I might have had cancer, although at other times I have been so full of the hope that it would be benign. My hope has been realised and I am so happy! :)

Thank you so much to everyone that has left supportive comments, prayed or sent positive vibes. I have appreciated them so much. Right now I am off to get on with the rest of my life without the weight of Hector hanging over me.

Scar Neck

The staples come out today (Thurs), hoorah! I really cannot wait. They are getting quite sore now and I am sure it's because my body is rejecting them and wants them out as much as the rest of me.

It will be so nice to move my head properly again as the staples pull when I move it. In fact, it will be nice to move my whole body properly again. You don't realise how much you use parts of your body until you can't any more. Simple things like sitting up and turning over in bed have become quite awkward because I haven't been able to twist my neck. Thank goodness my tummy muscles have been strong enough to compensate!

Still, I am on the mend nicely but have been oh so sleepy! I have never napped so much in my life and apparently it's due to the pain killers and the vestiges of the general anaesthetic in my system. I have spent my time dozing on the sofa with films playing. Never have I watched so many half films but on the whole I have seen them before and most favourites I can pick up and put down again like a much loved book and know exactly where I am.

Anyway, I will post a pic later of how my neck looks once it's destapled! I'm not looking forward to the process but I am looking forward to being staple free!

Update: I have now dispensed with my retro punk look, however there is no pic as promised as I have a dressing on for the next 48 hours to protect the wound. It didn't hurt too much at all, and I only felt discomfort on one or two. I'm a little sore right now but the nurse assured me that I was healing nicely and didn't think the scar would be too bad. Fingers crossed.

I also have my next appointment with my consultant now to get the path lab results. I find out exactly what Hector was on 28th January. Fingers crossed for that too. I really don't want to have to go through this again any time soon.

Hector has left the building

I'm back. I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm drugged up to the eyeballs, but above all my consultant assured me that the surgery went well and that is excellent news. Hector has been evicted.

I have been so out of things (generally dozy, nauseous and dizzy) that I haven't done much but nap. This afternoon is the first time I have felt up to going online so thanks to those of you who have stopped by and let me know you are thinking of me. I really appreciate it.

I currently resemble the sister to Frankenstein's monster as you can see from the photo (don't look if you're squeamish). Think I'm going to have to get some scarves to wear when I'm out and about (when I'm up to it). The staples come out at the end of the week and I get the results from the path report in a couple of weeks. Right now, just this bit of typing has worn me out so I need to lie down. Thanks for stopping by.

Touched

January the 9th is rushing towards me like an out-of-control train. This Friday I go into hospital and Hector (the thyroid lump) is evicted for good, which is a good thing. The fact that this involves invasive surgery and a short stay in hospital is not so good. I am in fact dreading it and I feel a right wimp as people go through far worse than this. But here's the thing, this is happening to me. I have to go through this and I do not like the prospect one little bit. As I said to my humourless consultant 'Do I really have to be there?'

The weird thing is, that as much as I am not relishing the surgery and going under anaesthetic and spending a day or so with a drain in my neck (due to post op bleeding) I am dreading the whole staying in hospital thing so much more. I do not like anything medical and hate hospitals. I am a very private person and the thought of spending time in a ward with strangers is filling me with dread. I am also a light sleeper and so I have been looking for a way to make the unpleasant a little more bearable.

Enter the iPod Touch. I have just treated myself to one of these little gadgets and it is way cooler than I ever will be. I have loaded some films onto it and some music as well as games and have an immediate entertain-Bobkat-during-her-stay-in-hospital kit. The beauty of it is that I can shut out things around me as much as possible with a pair of earphones and if the person in the bed next to me snores I can simply pop them on and drift off.

This will be my last post before I go into hospital as I have lots to do around the home and at work before I go in, so wish me luck. Thanks to everyone who has left supportive comments, offered well wishes or said prayers for me. I have been touched and appreciate each and everyone from the heart of my bottom (or perhaps that should that be the bottom of my heart!). I will post as soon as I am back home and let you all know that the waiting is so much worse than the actual event. Fingers crossed!

On the First Day of Christmas...

...the NHS did give to me, an appointment for surgery.

This wasn't exactly what I was hoping for and it wasn't on my list to Santa, but on Christmas Eve I received notice that I am to go into hospital for surgery to remove Hector (my lump) and half my thyroid where it resides. As experience days go I do not think it will catch on as a gift idea somehow:

Congratulations!
You have been given an all expenses paid trip to hospital.
Your experience day will start at 7.30am prompt where you will be assigned to your ward, and includes an overnight stay in one of our beds. You will receive one surgical procedure and path lab report and the anaesthetic is included in your gift! We will provide a stylish backless gown for you to wear and meals during your experience, but don't forget to starve from midnight the night before!
We are looking forward to seeing you on the 9th January.

Don't get me wrong. I am pleased that things are moving quickly as Hector is growing quite quickly and also if it is a tumour I'd rather they took it out sharpish and treated me. I'm just quietly dreading going into hospital. I hate anything medical and I hate sleeping in rooms with strangers. Luckily if all goes well I should only have to stay for one night.

My other gifts were much more pleasant. I had a gorgeous necklace with amethyst, garnet and tanzanite cut stones set in white gold (thank you M), I got some curling tongs, a cosmetic bag (useful for going into hospital), a couple of DVD's, a fun book from CrazieQueen (hugs - also useful for hospital), a beautiful calendar from Old Old Lady of the Hills (thank you dear Naomi) and a selection of wonderful Molten Brown shower and bath gels (they smell divine). All in all I had some lovely gifts and it is always nice to receive a gift from someone as it's nice to be thought of. It gives me a warm feeling :) It counteracts the hospital related fear a little.

No news...

Artwork by Charlotte Ahlgren

I'm in limbo. Or at least that's how it feels. I went to see the consultant only to be told that the results of the test were inconclusive and that they would have to remove Hector to find out exactly what sort of lump it is. Apparently, this is often the case so it begs the question: 'If FNA's are often inconclusive in cases such as mine WHY ON EARTH DID YOU SHOVE A NEEDLE INTO MY THROAT?! Personally I would have been happy to forego that experience and go straight to the surgery seeing as that was always on the cards anyway. It appears that in this case, no news is...well... no news.

So, I will be going for surgery in the New Year where they will remove Hector and the half of my thyroid where it has taken up residence. Once removed Hector will go to the path labs for tests. If Hector is benign then that will be that (other than a blood test to check my half-a-thyroid function). If however Hector is 'suspicious' then I will have to go in and the other half of my thyroid removed and undergo radio-isotope therapy and go onto hormone therapy for the resdt of my life.

My plan is to try and put the whole thing out of my mind as much as possible until after Christmas, but at the moment I'm still a bit miffed. I do not like not knowing.

For what we are about to receive...

... May the Lord Make us truly thankful!

Prairie Dog ~ Bristol Zoo, December 2008

I go to the hospital tomorrow for my test results and finally find out what kind of lump Hector is. Thank you to everyone who has stopped by or sent me good wishes, thoughts, prayers and positive vibes since Hector took up residence in my thyroid. Even if Hector didn't take the hint immediately they all helped to buoy my spirits and were truly appreciated.

The photo of the prairie dog was taken on a recent day out at the zoo. The Prairie Dogs had recently been fed and I enjoyed watching them squabble over choice bits of food. I snapped away as they dined and when I got home I noticed that this little fella had his eyes closed. For all the world it looked like he was saying Grace.

I'll post again when I have some news. I'm hoping and parying for the good kind.

Another message from our medical correspondent

It’s a fact. I can confirm that Doctors lie. I saw the consultant the other day who sent me for a Fine Needle Aspiration and an ultrasound. He told me that it was no more painful than having a blood test, but in my throat rather than my arm. The consultant who did the FNA also confirmed this and so, I was ready to believe them. They fibbed. It hurt! The needle going in was fine, it’s when they took it out. It felt like I had been viciously attacked by Chuck Norris with a karate chop to the throat.

Obviously this procedure angered Hector the lump. He's still a little sore and afterwards it was painful to swallow. Harumph. Note to self, the pain scale that doctors use is way different to that of the general populace.

Unfortunately, the ultrasound has confirmed that Hector is not a simple cyst but that it is a hard sizeable nodule. The next step is to get the cytology results back so we know what kind of cells it is made of. This leaves me with two options:

Rock: The Hector nodule is made of normal follicular cells and I go in for surgery in January to have it removed along with half my thyroid.

Hard Place: The Hector nodule is made from ‘suspicious cells’ and I go in for surgery and potentially have the whole thyroid removed, possibly followed by radio-isotope therapy and then go onto hormone therapy for the rest of my life.

This news left me a bit subdued. I was hoping for the most likely and the simplest to cure option of a cyst. Neither option thrills me. I hate hospitals and the prospect of staying in one with ill people and where I must sleep in the same room as strangers fills me with quiet dread.

I find out the cytology results next week. Until then I find it hard to get my head around Hector being anything else but benign. That kind of thing only happens to other people, right?

A message from our medical correspondent...

Last week was a bit of a medical related week for me. I started the week off with a bit of a sore throat which rapidly descended and set up home in my lungs. Breathing shouldn't be something you have to work at so I knew it wasn't a good sign. Anyway, having suffered with a really bad chest infection that lingered for weeks a few months ago I was eager to nip this one in the bud and send the bug squatters packing before they could claim rights. So, off to the doctor I trot who prescribes me the chemical equivalent of a fly swat in the form of antibiotics and steriods for my asthma and gives strict instructions to stay warm and rest. Happily this all seems to be doing the trick.

At the end of the week I had my ultrasound appointment to check out my thyroid lump, Hector. As usual when I get to the hospital it is like a rabbit warren and the sign posting is apalling. I spend several minutes wandering around and trying to follow complex directions from various people which I had no chance of remembering, but through a serious of asking and following and asking again I managed to home in on the ultrasound department just in time.

I need not have worried however as the appointment clearly included a 'long wait' in their lavishly appointed waiting area (plastic chairs and copies of magazines which are months out of date) where I languished for 50 mins. This explained the extortionate amount of £2.00 for 'upto 3 hours' I was charged in the car park. They obviously realised a short stay wasn't on the cards. The ultrasound was over quickly however, and now I just have to wait until next Wednesday to see the consultant. Fingers crossed.

Running

I have been researching treadmills. It's high time I took charge of my fitness again. I used to go to the gym regularly but cash flow issues post divorce and time with my work over the past year or so have made regular gym visits a thing of the past. So I have been rethinking how I will keep fit. In my gym-going days I used to dedicate blocks of time of 1-2 hours at a time to exercise. This simply isn't a feasible option for me any more and so I need to be more flexible in my approach to getting and keeping fit.

Enter the treadmill idea. I already have an exercise bike which I use, some weights, a balance ball and exercise mat and a punch bag which is sadly slumped in a corner. With a treadmill this is enough for a small home gym. A home gym means I can fit in small blocks of exercise more regularly. Just 20-30 mins a day is better than nothing. I feel that this is more important than ever with my current health problems and so now I just have to identify the right treadmill at the right price! let's face it, if a prawn can do it, then so can I! :D

Feeling Like Rocky

“Life hits harder than any man can, and one's ability to keep getting up until the final bell rings is the true measure of self.” ~ Rocky Balboa

A cheesy quote? Perhaps, but it hits home for me at the moment (no pun intended). Work continues to keep me busy, as does the everyday niff naff and trivia that surfaces. As ever I have had little time for blogging lately but this week or so I have not felt like it much. It’s not that I have nothing to say, but that I haven’t got the energy or inclination to discuss it. I’m pre-occupied I’m afraid.

I found a sizeable lump in my neck. At first I thought it was a swollen thyroid as I have been feeling tired as well as having a few other symptoms that match this kind of problem. So I went to the doctors. He immediately ordered blood tests and an urgent scan (which I have to wait 5-6 weeks for before a diagnosis can be made). I did not like the use of the word ‘urgent’. Apparently it’s most likely a cyst that is having an adverse affect on my health but (and here is where the doctor became tight lipped) it might not be. I’m trying not to think about it but at the back of my mind is the nagging little thought…’what if it is something else?’ Mind you, if it is a cyst it’s not exactly a barrel of laughs as the treatment involves medication to control my thyroxine levels and possible a fine needle biopsy, and drain or surgery to remove it, depending on what is revealed by the scan.

I can’t help but feel a bit picked on as it seems as if I just overcome one thing to be faced with another challenge. I know that railing at the universe and shouting at windmills solves nothing but its all part of the process. For now I am resigned to waiting. I don’t like not knowing.

Feeling Yuk

I didn't go to work today. I came home early yesterday feeling yuk. I went to bed feeling okay the night before and then got up with the most horrendous head cold.

It feels like a slime monster has set up home in their and is having a thumping big party. My head aches, I keep sneezing (such an annoying bodily response), my nose runs incessantly (another really annoying bodily response and really gross too), I feel dizzy and my throat is sore. My nose is redder than Rudolf's from constant nose blowing (even using those balm tissues) and quite unseasonal, it being July.

I am not a good patient but then I'm my own nurse so that's not too much of a problem. I hate being ill. I get very frustrated with feeling too awful to do anything except lie on the sofa. Life is too short to feel this bad. The slime monster must leave and take his party guests with him.

Still here

Well, it's been a hell of a week and I am not at all certain I haven't been short changed in days, I am pretty sure I haven't had my full quota as I have got to the end of the week far too quickly. Still here I am; and here you are. I think the reason for the apparent speeding up of time is that I have been exceptionally busy but also that my mind has been very much focused on 'what the hell is going on with my leg?"

Well, I got the test results back from the Doctors and I haven't got DVT. Phew. Thank Goodness. I mean, they had me worried with dire warnings of pulmonary embolisms if the clot became dislodged through excessive wiggling of the foot and such like. So, now I know what it isn't, so what is wrong with my leg? I am giving it a day or so to see if it heals and then it's back to the doctors again as it feels like permanent cramp and it is not comfortable. I would not recommend it.

Thanks to all of you who popped by to offer me supportive comments. I appreciated it! And because the only other news I have involves work, work and more work, I haven't got much else to tell, however I will leave you with the following video. It is the trailer for the film 'Charlie Wilson's War' that I watched recemtly. I must say that this film was a very pleasant surprise. It was well written with humour and wit and well acted. It will probably not be remembered as one of the greatest films ever made but I thoroughly enjoyed it and fully intend to watch it again sometime. It's subject matter is interesting too, given the current world context. If it looks like your cup of tea, I would recommend it.

Holding out for a Negative

I have been experiencing some discomfort in my calf muscle for the past few days but over the weekend it got so bad that it became difficult to walk. Stairs and steps have become pretty tricky and I have developed a limp that would easily win all the trophies at a limping contest. Seeing as it didn't seem to be getting any better despite yelling at it and ordering it to stop hurting, I took it to the doctors. Now my legs don't usually see the light of day so showing them off to someone was a bit daunting. Who knew what effect actual daylight might have on them?

The doctor prodded and poked and made a 'hmmm' noise and then uttered three little letters. Just three of them, meaningless on their own but when put together they weren't something I wanted to hear: D.V.T. The doctor suspects DVT. It isn't confirmed yet but she took some blood for testing. If it comes back positive for (insert long Latin medical name here) then I need to go in for a scan.

Negative generally has, well, negative meaning in life while positive is seen as something good. This time I'm counting on something negative happening. Fingers crossed.

Update: The doctor said that I would be informed if the test result was positive within a day, but that if it was negative then no-one would ring so I should get in touch if I had heard nothing just to confirm this. But when I rang the doctors the officious secretary informed me that it took 7-10 working days for test results to come back. I was quite taken aback and informed her what it was for and so she melted a bit and said she would look. There is nothing on my records so I am left in the dark still. I would very much like to know what I am dealing with here. Is no news good news?