Thursday, October 11, 2007

It's Absolute


I. Am. Divorced. Le Divorced. The 'Decree Absolute' has been granted so now I have a new box to tick on forms. I am no longer 'married', nor 'separated' but 'divorced'. I have been trying the label out in my head: 'Dee-vor-cee', but at the moment it doesn't seem to fit me very well. I think I prefer 'unmarried' as that is what I am again. I must say that I hate the boxes on forms. To me, you are either married or you aren't. I realise that legally, such things have great import for legal rights to assets and such, but the boxes are more insidious than that. They force us into social subsets which say nothing about who we really are.

Mind you, I have always rebelled against being put into a box, no matter what the label. I am unique. Just like you. No box required; I have a name. There are all sorts of popular assumptions that come with the label 'divorcee' that I don't like, 'damaged goods' being one of the worst and 'failure at relationships' being another. Not upheld by everyone, but still out there. My marriage did fail, but those reasons are complex, myriad and personal. To assume anything about who I am, or how good I am at relationships is a weak extrapolation. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

Ending my marriage has been a long and painful road so there is no celebration. Granted, it could have been much nastier but we both decided to behave like civilised adults and handle the divorce ourselves. So despite some bumpy bits we got through it. It is simply the close of another chapter in my life and all that I feel is relief that it is over so that I can get on with my life without this hanging over me. He is moving on. Good luck to him. I hope he will be happy. I am moving on. I hope I will be happy too. A new chapter has begun. Apr├Ęs le divorce!

30 comments:

Joy T. said...

See when "I" see or hear of people who go through a divorce and can be civilized about it, I don't see damaged goods at all. I see people with great heads on their shoulder. I've seen some horribly nasty divorces and civilized is so much better for everyone involved. Here's to the next chapter of your life! Oh. And Michelle sent me :o)

Linda said...

May this segment of your life be better than the last.

Oh...and ALWAYS remember where you put those papers...because one day, when you need them, you won't be able to find them.

My hubby can't stand looking into the file cabinet and seeing my folder marked "Divorce papers", but at least I know where they are if needed. Yes, I was married once...for 4 years...it was an amicable divorce. I wanted out, I filed, I paid, I "did it myself" without a lawyer. I left practically everything to him, just to GET OUT. I do not, for one minute, regret it, either.

Niall said...

Once again this feels like we should all be together to not celebrate, but just affirnm your new begining...you've had so much pain and sadness these last few months...it's time you were made to feel special.

I will drink my wine tonight and remember you!

R. Sherman said...

Your discussion of "labels" rings true. Alas, we humans look for short cuts to true understanding of individuals. It's easier to label someone a "divorcee" or "conservative" or whatever, than it is to talk to him/her and understand what s/he is trying to tell us.

Best of luck.

Cheers.

Carmi said...

I see someone who had the courage to make the changes necessary to live a better life in future.

I'm not sure why society insists on stigmatizing some folks in varying ways. It's almost as if we're not collectively happy unless everything and everyone fits into a defined category. Sad, in my book.

Although you've stated quite eloquently that this isn't something you celebrate - and I certainly understand why - I nevertheless want you to know I'm thinking happy thoughts for you as you reach this important milestone and continue laying the foundation for an even better life going forward.

It's all about growth, this life thing. And you set a great example for all of us.

David said...

( i think I want top say ) congrats on your status.
me too
I never know what box top check, since there isn't one that says
"I made a terrible mistake once"
happy saturday

Moogie said...

I'm sorry that you have had to and are going through this. I'm glad it's behind you now because I know there are bigger and better things out there for you. Instead of divorced why don't you try "single" or newly single? Like you, I hate labels because they tend to stereotype.

Heres to a bigger and better future my friend!

moon said...

I don' see it as a failure...I see divorse as a smart step taken when u realise that u and another are no long compadable. It takes more coarage to go through that then settling..or remaining in a unhappy life that serves no purpose...I know so many who doing just that. Change is scary..uncertainly is scarier..but taking a chance to be happier is enriching and all of the above serves to make us grow as humans. I have been there, done that and so very very happy I did. So you are right, the end of a marriage isn,t to celebrate but the beginning of a better life is.

kenju said...

I knew a woman once who held on for 14 years (and 4 kids) before realizing it was in her and her children's best interests to divorce their father. She married a few years later to a wonderful man who raised her kids as his own, paying for everything. It isn't a failure, Bob-kat. Sometimes you just have to move on.

Shephard said...

Congrats on a new cycle with unlimited potential and choices!
~S :)

Becky68 said...

Michele sent me tonight to see how you were doing!
Congratulations on behaving through your divorce (my ex & I did too- it's the child custody where things got ugly- but that was decided awhile before the divorce was begun in earnest) It's been 6+ years & I don't have any regrets in the least.
I hope for you - the same.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Congratrulations, my dear Bob-Kat...It is like The Other Shoe, finally dropped, isn't it?
It's true it is the ending of something, finally, but, it is also the Beginning of something. And THAT is the most important part of that decree.
I so agree with you about the boxes and the assumptions made, etc. It has always bothered me that one can so easily be placed in a box, NOT of one's making, because the other person or people have pre-set notions about certain things. You are Unique! And no one should try to "slot" anyone in a particular box or anything else like that, because, as you so brilliantly said, that little check mark doesn't really tell them anything about the UNIQUE you!
Bravo, Bob-Kat, Bravo. I wish you all the very very best on this new adventure, my dear!So much to look forward to...Hooray & Yay!

flleenie said...

There is no shame in divorce. I was divorced. It took me over 10 years to let my guard down & remarry, but I did!

Please remember, you will be happy, if you allow yourself to be happy! Don't let the past inhibit your future!

utenzi said...

Michele sent me over this time, B-K.

We have a different take on this issue, B-K. I'm quite happy to be divorced instead of "single". I view having been married as an experience I've endured. I view people that have never married by the time they're in their 30s as somewhat odd. Being divorced isn't a measure of failure but rather one of being tempered by emotional fire and having ones mettle improved by that forging. LOL Or something like that!

Good luck with your new status, B-K, and all the new boxes you can use.

Bob-kat said...

Utenzi, you raise an excellent point that further underlines how many assumptions make about such 'boxes'. I do not class myself as 'single' for just that reason.

I guess people will always make assumptions, it is the nature of society. It allows us to simplify complex issues in order to cope with masses of information. I just hope that on an individual basis most of us can look beyond the boxes.

panthergirl said...

It's weird to say "I'm happy for you", but at least you can freely move on with your life.

Having been divorced THREE times, this is a subject close to my heart. The hardest was the third, and if he had been my first husband it probably would have ended much sooner. But I was absolutely dreading the reaction of others when I had to explain that I had chosen poorly yet again.

Hope you never have to go through it again. Now, relax and enjoy your new status... and forget about the box.

Here via michele and always happy to be here!

Fizzy said...

Heres to the future :)

Jean-Luc Picard said...

People always get pigeonholed into categories. There should be a box with 'mind your own business' as well.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

BTW, Michele sent me here.

MissMeliss said...

Michele sent me to wish you bon voyage on this new journey you're taking.

I can't wait to see what comes next for you.

Also, I wanted to invite you to play at cafewriting.com

Because you sling great words :)

Ps said...

Horrible to be put into slots--i agree so much.
You are YOU, bob--kat.You are brave,kind,strong and determined.
Finally its over--and you can move on.
Good luck!

BreadBox said...

Congratulations, commiserations, hugs and smoochies on your divorce:-)
Good luck with the new page: not blank, but with a whole new set of lines in a different direction!

Funny, I was just thinking -- probably Bob-kat's left the M&G at Michele's for the weekend as I signed on: and there you were above me. Obviously, I must have come from Michele's this evening!

N.

Sarch said...

A new chapter...

it will be interesting to see what the coming pages hold BK!

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Onward to bigger and better, huh?

Melody said...

A new chapter indeed Bob-Kat... At least you had the 'guts' to divorce and end the marrige. So many people don't and are very undappy. You are a smart person by putting yourself first. Good luck for everything your new chapter brings...

*smile*

Melody said...

You know I meant unHappy, not unDappy!!!!

.:mar said...

A new chapter, a new beginning, life goes on and there is so much waiting for you out there!!
Congrats on a civilized procedure, that's hard to find nowadays...
Good luck to you always, I do hope you have a happy life :)

Beckie said...

The ending of one chapter and the beginning of another. This next chapter is going to be the best ever!

JAM said...

I hope this becomes a great new beginning for you.

Sara said...

Hello, Michele sent me today! I read all the posts before this one - but this one was the one that touched me and I felt I needed to comment.

I just went through the same thing - December but I didn't move out until May...and we were rather civilized about things...taking that which we each brought to the relationship and dividing up eleven years worth of things.

It was hard...but, I think Michele sent me to tell you that there is happiness as you continue to move on...it may not always be evident - but, it is there...somedays we have to look a little harder for it....

Enjoy the rest of your week-end...