Friday, January 23, 2009

The Waiting Game

I've never been very good at waiting. It's not that I'm impatient. When something is worth it I can be very patient. I worked five years for my Masters degree, I can save for things I want rather than use credit, I have coached staff, I can leave presents unopened until Christmas and birthday mornings. So I guess it's just that I'm no good at waiting when waiting leaves me in the "Great Wide Unknown".

When faced with uncertainty therefore, I hate waiting. I get frustrated. I hope for the best, imagine the worst and vacillate between accepting my fate (whatever it turns out to be) and railing against the gods. The various roads that could play out lay before me and I mentally travel each one, trying them on for size but knowing that only one of them is the road of my future. In short, in times of quiet, when my mind is meant to be resting (like when I wake at night or have some idle moments to spare) it is rushing around trying to remove the uncertainty and hasten time to no avail.

I see these potential paths before me now. The one to the left is marked 'Benign Tumour Ave' while the one on the right is labelled 'Suspicious Hector Boulevard'. This road is far more treacherous and has various branches where there might be more surgery, there might be radio-isotope therapy, there might be hormone replacement therapy, there might be complications, there might be time off work and... there are too many 'mights'. 'The Great Wide Unknown' is a noisy junction in which I currently feel immobilised. It is not up to me which path I tread.

Most of the time I am fine. It's just the waiting sometimes. I see the consultant this week coming. Then I will know which way I am going. Best foot forward...

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18 comments:

Roxie, Sammy and Andy said...

Waiting is always the worst part because, as you said, you imagine the worst outcomes. Even if the reality turns out to be as bad as you imagined in your worst moments, at least you will have an answer and you will be moving toward something.
We will continue to pray that Hector was benign and you only have to be monitored for a return engagement. And that too, will be moving toward something.
Waiting is always the worst part.

Roxie, Sammy & Andy
And Mary

kenju said...

My fingers are crossed for you, Bob-kat. Try not to think about the options until you know which path you have to take.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I can only imagine how hard this is. Tou write about it soooo well, I can feel what you are going through....! Prayers and More Prayers for that Road to the Left....Like you, I find it very very difficult to wait when there is an unknown that has so much weight to it....I appreciate you sharing this with all of us, dear B-K.

mw said...

Ah, this sounds terrible. It actually sounds like you are handling the waiting better than most, but I can understand the toll it is taking.

I can completely identify with your "hope for the best, imagine the worst".

I hope for the best for you - good luck!

(Tanya sent me)

bunnygirl said...

I hear you, and I hope you have news soon. Whatever the outcome, at least once you know, you can make plans. And once you can make plans, you can start to take back some of the control.

David said...

good night B-K

Sim said...

Bob-Kat - my gosh! I've been absent for too long - hope that your keeping well under the uncertainty. Waiting is difficult but from my catch up reading, it seems that you're coping well with Hector and that he is benign. We're all thinking of you

xx

Niall said...

I just don't know what to day..something inane..perhaps I should write about fear of the unknown..the sress of which is as damaging as anything.Perhaps I should encourage you to disract yourself..but I honestly have no idea of how you must be feeling right now...it's hard to understand..but it is possible to stand..to stand and wait...and I wait with you.

Linda said...

I'm keeping you in mind as your day draws near. I will be busy unpacking on that day, so it may be a few days before I see the "verdict". Nonetheless, no matter what the outcome, I know you will be healthy soon!

tanya (aka netchick) said...

Hey BK... I'm like you -- I hate waiting. I hope whichever way it points you, it's good news at the end of it. I've been thinking of you.

Thanks for coming by and playing the MEET n' GREET, as it's always great to see you there!

Have a great Saturday, and rest of your weekend.

**hugs**

http://netchick.net

craziequeen said...

Hey my darling Kat, sorry to hear the waiting is getting to you. It's so difficult when the directions are so clearly defined - good or bad.

Be assured that you are in my thoughts every day and I am just on the end of the phone/email if you need anything.

Netchick sent me here tonight - obviously Fate knew I was coming anyway and boosted me on my way!

cq

David said...

can not stress too much the power of prayer and positive thought.
Hector is gone, You BE well, in thought and in your body. May Jesus bless you tonight as you rest.

Smiler said...

Here's wishing you keep hanging left. I'm with kenju too, even though I know how nearly impossible that is.

Best best best!
:-)

PI said...

More effective than crossed fingers - I've said a prayer and crossing fingers too - that all will be well Bobkat. Try not to exhaust yourself with worrying but use all your energy in keeping calm and relaxed- physically and mentally. I know you can do it- you are strong.
Warmest best wishes from me and Tanya says hello.

rashbre said...

Hi Bobkat, I'm here this time via NetChick's and tiping thsi wiht my fnigres and teos crossde.

Now to go visit your photo album.

moon said...

Being at the very edge of anything is so hard. Uncertainty gives way to all the imagination has along with fear, and paranoia..coupled with reassurances of inner strength and possitive reinforcements. Unfortunately, untill we know what we are up against, no one can help us go through this ...just know u have hords of ppl all over the world, thinking good thoughts, sending the best of vibes your way .....For what ever outcome may be....once u know what road is yours...it will be good knowing , to be able to move forward from there......
We are all waiting with fingers crossed ...

Linda said...

re: my post about Extreme Makeover...you can always watch it online...I don't know when they'll post it, but here's the link to the tv station:
http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/index?pn=index

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Just chicking in to see how you are fairng, my dear Bob-Kat? I hope you are healing well and having more energy, etc....As to waiting....It is a bitch, I know!
(((((hugs))))) to you!