I've never been very good at waiting. It's not that I'm impatient. When something is worth it I can be very patient. I worked five years for my Masters degree, I can save for things I want rather than use credit, I have coached staff, I can leave presents unopened until Christmas and birthday mornings. So I guess it's just that I'm no good at waiting when waiting leaves me in the "Great Wide Unknown".
When faced with uncertainty therefore, I hate waiting. I get frustrated. I hope for the best, imagine the worst and vacillate between accepting my fate (whatever it turns out to be) and railing against the gods. The various roads that could play out lay before me and I mentally travel each one, trying them on for size but knowing that only one of them is the road of my future. In short, in times of quiet, when my mind is meant to be resting (like when I wake at night or have some idle moments to spare) it is rushing around trying to remove the uncertainty and hasten time to no avail.
I see these potential paths before me now. The one to the left is marked 'Benign Tumour Ave' while the one on the right is labelled 'Suspicious Hector Boulevard'. This road is far more treacherous and has various branches where there might be more surgery, there might be radio-isotope therapy, there might be hormone replacement therapy, there might be complications, there might be time off work and... there are too many 'mights'. 'The Great Wide Unknown' is a noisy junction in which I currently feel immobilised. It is not up to me which path I tread.
Most of the time I am fine. It's just the waiting sometimes. I see the consultant this week coming. Then I will know which way I am going. Best foot forward...
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