My niece died today. Jessica was pronounced at 12:35pm. She was only eleven years old. There was no miracle. She never regained consciousness as her brain was too damaged. I was able to see her before the ventilator was switched off but part of me wished I hadn't. It was good to get the chance to say goodbye but it wasn't my niece lying there any more. There was no more chattering. My sister is still in shock as she was very close to her daughter, as is her brother. Our whole family is grieving.

Apparently, Jessica wanted a carriage with white horses and a pink coffin for her funeral. She will get it and it has been decided that everyone will wear something that Jessy would approve of, which means bright colours. She was a vibrant child and that is how she will be remembered.

I can't write any more right now. Please see the post below to read a little about her and please understand if I don't do much visiting for a while. Thank you for all your prayers and sympathy.

Numb

I have a niece. She just started school last week. I was talking to her last weekend and she was looking forward to going to 'big school' and making new friends. Yes, she was wondering how it would go and she talked a lot about missing her old school too, about the teachers who were obviously fond of her and the friends she had made and who were now going elsewhere. I admired her for her certainty she would make new friends and for the way she was looking forward to this new experience despite there being scary aspects.

She also explained a million other things to me. My niece cracks me up. She is a little chatterbox. Her narrative is a constant stream of consciousness as she has not yet really learnt to filter things out and express every little thought that comes into her head. She has an idea and she is off again, full of enthusiasm for it until the next one comes along. It's funny and endearing, if a trifle exhausting at times. Then she is up and off outside dragging us with her, to show us how she can spin on the spot. She takes dance lessons you see and has not long ago passed her grading exams in modern, ballroom and Latin American dance. I have no idea where she gets her energy from.

Except now she is quiet and still as she lays in intensive care. My sister rang me late last night. She was knocked off her bicycle by a car. She isn't going to live and there is nothing anyone can do. I had to break the news to my brothers and they can't believe it either. We all want to do something but nothing we do can make this better. Her brain is going to keep swelling until it kills her and there is nothing anyone can do. How can any of this be?

So far...

So far....so something. There have been high points and low points. It has, at times, forced me to take a good look at myself and the way I behave and why. It is not a comfortable thing to do, and discussing it with others, I don't think any of us are having an easy time.

The good news is that I am still alive though I am very tired so this will be short. The tasks we have been set as part of the course have meant having to work on in the evenings. Tomorrow is a big day as we are to make a presentation as the culmination of one of the tasks. The presentation is being made to a senior manager who will 'grill' us on the decisions we have made and then later we will get feedback as to how effective we have been as part of the group in the task, and also in presenting ourselves. We have also been doing other group work which has been very intensive and challenging and has left me quite drained.

I really must go to bed but I will let you know how it goes.

Update

I'm back now. I wanted very much to post more while I was away but I found the experience mentally and emotionally draining and the days were full and long so it was difficlt to find spare time. I am going to post about it in the next day or so but I can tell you this. It was the most difficult, uncomfortable, challenging and yet rewarding course I have been on. I have learned much that I can use both at work and in other areas of my life.

It was strange having to leave the course today. For a week we had spent so much time together at the training centre adn it felt a little weird to be returning to the real world though we were all keen to go home. It was like leaving a community where we had shared things and once we left we knew it would never be the same again. Apparently, it is not uncommon for such a sense of commaraderie to develop on this course as it is so stressful. Oh, and by the way, the presentation we had to do went very well. More to come...

A course and a car

So, I am now a day and a half into the course and it is a lot of hard work and very intensive. So much from my break from work! The course started with the inevitable introductions and then it was straight down to it with our first exercise briefing. All this on a Sunday evening when I should be enjoying a film and a bottle of wine!

Today, the pace increased. We started by completing the Strength Deployment Inventory (SDI) which helps to assess your strengths in both 'fair weather' and 'conflict' situations. The SDI categorises you as a 'type' of person with various behavioural traits:

Red: These are assertive, goal focused people who take decisive action and are constantly on the lookout for opportunity.

Green: These tend to be cautious analytical people who judge carefully before acting. They are predominantly concerned with practicalities, fairness, weighing up the issues and using careful consideration before acting.

Blue: These are people-focused carers who consider the needs of others before their own. They are warm and friendly and will defend the rights of others over and above everything else.

Hub: This type of motivation is a combination of all three colours and reflects people who are adaptable, good at team building and able to see issues from a number of different viewpoints.

Of course, there are people, like me, that are 'blends', that is they are a mix of two of the colours and I fell into this category. Having this information is an advantage as it helps you understand your value system and what motivates you. Understanding your motivations helps you to communicate effectively with others, and to get more from interpersonal relationships, it also helps you to develop an insight into the ways in which you, and others around you, alter your habitual behaviour, especially in conflict situations. This understanding can then be used to make choices and change behaviour to bring about improvements in how you manage others, act in a team and communicate. That is the theory at least. I found it very illuminating. It immediately made some things very clear that immediately spoke to me. It wasn't a 'Road to Damascus' moment but it was like upgrading turning on a light. I now understand why I behave in certain ways and more importantly, why some people might not understand my behaviour. Make no mistakes though, this is simply a tool. I know it will not make me a more effective person overnight but understanding something is the first step to making improvements. I liked the way this inventory took account of the shift in behaviour we all make when we are in stressful situations too.

After this we scarcely had time to draw breath before we received another brief for a group exercise and then later on we were divided yet again into groups and briefed on another group exercise. More on these in a later post as we will be completing these tasks over the next couple of days. In that respect this course is designed very much to be 'work like' where we are not doing just one thing at a time but juggling tasks and priorities and planning ahead and dealing with different people and sometimes conflicting situations. This is the essence of the course, as throughout we gauge our own and others effectiveness. Everyday there is an hour session where we give and provide feedback and we have been warned that we will not always be comfortable with what we hear. I will let you know how it goes.

Meanwhile, thanks to all those who took a guess at the mystery car. Those of you who guessed the Ford Edsel can give yourselves a big pat on the back from me. Below is a picture of the car from the front. Check out that chrome!

The Edsel is best known as being one of the biggest automotive flops of all time. Indeed, the name is synonymous with marketing failure. The model in the photographs is the 'Corsair'.

There is no single reason why the Edsel failed, and failed so spectacularly. Popular culture often faults the car’s styling. Poor workmanship has also been cited and marketing experts hold the Edsel up as a supreme example of corporate America’s failure to understand the nature of the American consumer. Business analysts cite the weak internal support for the product inside Ford’s executive offices. The Edsel was "the wrong car at the wrong time."

I took these photo's on a recent day out to the Science museum. More photos from that trip coming soon. Meanwhile come back to find out how I am doing on my course and if I end up throttling one of the other women on the course who is very annoying. If you have a black cat, apparently hers is blacker. You know the type!

What is this?

I am off on a course today. Yes it is Sunday and I am going on a work course, and no, I don't usually work on Sundays. The course is one designed for people on management development schemes and is vaguely titles 'Personal Effectiveness'. Hmmmm. I read the course material and it is full of buzz words and phrases such as 'increase self awareness', 'improve interpersonal relations' and 'making a good impression'. Apparently there will be role play and group discussions where I must be prepared to share insights into my work behaviour and traits. Ah, so there will be introspection too.

From all this I have come to the conclusion that this course concerns aspects of 'Emotional Intelligence'. This is an ability to perceive, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, of others, and of groups. It is one of the latest fads to hit the world of management. Or is it more than a fad? I guess I will find out for myself.

I will hopefully have access to the Internet while there so I will keep you updated on how I am doing. I am hopeful that this will be a good course, that I will get much from it. At the same time I am mindful that I will be taken out of my comfort zone and stretched somewhat. My behaviours are going to be analysed and criticised by relative strangers. This makes me a little nervous but at the same time it will be good. Sometimes it is good to hold a mirror up to yourself even if it can be uncomfortable.

Anyway, I thought I would leave you with a little test. I went to a museum recently and I had my camera with me. I found quite a few things that were great to photograph but this one in particular was interesting. It has so many shapes and lines and features. It is also an 'infamous' American car. Can you guess what it is? I will give the answer next time :)

This was on the bonnet or hood...


This was on the front of the car...


A view of the front from the side. Any guesses?

And finally a wider view from the front. Do you know what it is now? As I said I will post a full pic of the car soon and the answer. I will also keep you updated about the course, as long as I can get Internet access. Come back soon and see how I am doing!