A year ago

Bob - Beloved Cat and Companion

I can hardly believe it's been so long since I last posted. Things have been so hectic-busy-manic (one word will no longer so) that blogging took a back seat in order to retain some sanity. Of course I'm not constantly on the go, but since I was diagnosed as having hypothyroidism I seem to get tired much more quickly and it takes far longer to bounce back. That means sometimes I don't so much drop a ball, but put one down for a while. Just until I have the time and energy to juggle it again. It's self preservation really and it's been a long, hard lesson for me to learn because quite frankly I can't do the same things at the same rate that I used to before the operation. So what balls have I been juggling?

• Work: The job I started in December has been more of a learning cliff to scale than a learning curve, but it's going well. Just last week I delivered a piece of work that is going to be adopted across the team and then other departments.
  
• Home: I have been trying for so long to get my home straight. There is so much to be done that it can be overwhelming but I am taking baby steps. This too, is a ball though that I sometimes have to put aside for a while as just keeping up with housework can be exhausting.
  
• Photography: I launched my new portfolio website nearly two weeks ago now and I'm really pleased with how it looks. I have toyed with posting about it here but I'm undecided as the website is the real me, not my online persona. If you would like to take a look, then email me and I will send you a link.
  
• Wedding: No, not mine. I also photographed a wedding this weekend just gone. It was a huge challenge but I enjoyed it. As with everything, the best laid plans went awry as the bride had hair problems and so my time taking photos with the bridesmaids getting ready completely went off the schedule. I ended up helping the bride dress and acted as a calming influence on her mother who was in a flat spin as things were running nearly an hour late with getting ready! My stage management training kicked in and as with all the best shows, it opened practically on time. The group photos were interesting as people wrangling is like cat herding but I received many compliments on keeping it fun and keeping the ball rolling. I was so tired afterwards that it took me over a day to recover. All in all I think I got some decent shots, despite the lack of time to capture any reportage ones. I am currently working on them in Photoshop so they will be ready when the happy couple return from their honeymoon.

So, lots has been keeping me from here. It is also the anniversary of when my dear Bob left. I can hardly believe it's been a whole year and I still miss him. Just little things, like when I'm working at the computer, Bob always came to sit on the windowsill next to me. Sam and Max have started to do that too, but have a habit of trying to sit in front of the keyboard instead. We're working on it...

Easter

It's that time of the year again. Spring is springing (though you'd never tell from the weather which is cold and wet!), the daffodils are blooming, new born lambs are shaking their tails in the fields and March has mysteriously vanished. Easter is finally upon us, in a frenzy of chocolate wrapped in gaudy coloured foil and thankfully, brings a few days off work. Christmas break seems so long ago...


I am feeling much better now, tough still having trouble with my asthma after the last chest infection. Healing takes time and I am trying to be patient but I would so like to walk somewhere without breaking into a wheeze of a 80 year old that has smoked a packet of cigarettes a day since their teens. Work has been crazy busy, more so than usual, and I have delivered a couple of things that should benefit the whole area. I am just waiting for the Management Board to endorse one so fingers crossed.

In my personal life I have been working on a couple of projects. The first is a damn big clear out. So far, I have thrown a load of stuff out and the place looks worse than ever! I can only hope that there will be a place for everything when I'm done and I don't disappear under a pile of random detritus before I'm done. The cats are accounted for and are banned from the spare room and study for fear that they might get trapped under something.


I am also working on a website. My website. It's going to be a photographic portfolio of some of my work. I am not setting up a business as such but I have been asked to photograph a wedding and do a pet portrait and I thought it would be nice to have somewhere to display my work and see where this thing takes me. More information will follow soon. Lastly, I will be collecting a new member of my pet family tomorrow and I can't wait. It's a baby Crested Gecko and these little chaps are so sweet. More news on him with pics soon. In the meantime, if you celebrate it, have a very Happy Easter.

Where is Bobkat?

Blog friends of Bobkat have recently been puzzled by her apparent absence. Until recently Bobkat was a frequent visitor to others blogs and could often be found at her own blog posting and behaving in a convivial manner.

Bobkat was last sighted at her virtual home ‘Bobkats House’ a week last Tuesday, when she was heard to mutter something about “popping out for a short while” and that she “might be some time”. Her cats, Max and Sam have refused to comment but released a short statement which simply reads “Meow”. Such brevity has not shed much light on the subject.

Bobkat left some clues as to her whereabouts and was seen last week in the South East of the UK attending a Leadership course. Reports have also been made of sightings in Wales, where it is believed she is taking photographs to provide illustrations for an upcoming book on ‘How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse’. Additional reports have been made of a woman matching Bobkats description, putting small items into shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child. As the sighting was made at her home address it’s a fair assumption that it was her. A note found on her neglected laptop simply reads ‘Back soon, hugs n stuff’.

Of cats, shoe boxes and newspapers.

Can we have new beds please? These are not up to kitty standards!

Firstly thanks to everyone who left kind comments and encouraging words on my last post. I really appreciated them. I've been shooing my black dog away, though things remain trying. I decided to use some of my work skills and apply them to my personal life and so I made a list of everything that was bothering me, what the issue was and then looked at what I could actually change and what I might just have to accept and how I could go about this - a little like a very organised version of the serenity prayer. It helped organise my thoughts and so now I am working on resolving the things on the list. Curiously, the things that I can change are not necessarily the hardest ones to tackle. It's one thing knowing you have to accept something and quite another one actually learning to live with that.

I can see myself in that funny thing you're holding to your face!

Meanwhile life goes on and my kitties are growing up at such a rate! They are now the size of the average adult cat and are just coming up to 6 months old. They are still the pure embodiment of mischief and are into everything. Their personalities get more developed with each passing week and they have started to get very definite habits. It's wonderful watching these two cats develop from little balls of fur into what I hope will be lovely companions.

Watch the birdie? What birdie?

I have been putting together shoe boxes of gifts for Operation Christmas Child and my boys have been "helping me", hence the photo of Max in the shoe box. So far I have put together sixteen shoe boxes and I'm raising funds to do more through work. To do this I run a tuck shop and a trading post for CDs and DVDs where people bring in their old ones and can exchange them for something else for £1.

Very sleepy...

On a different note, I saw a familiar face in one of our national newspapers last week. It wasn't a shock really as I did consent to the interview. The interview was about my MBA and my experience of studying and how it has benefited me in my career and was used as a case study to support and article on MBAs. It's a silly piece of vanity I know, but I was quite pleased with the article and how it looked. I even sounded good to me and it was a good boost to my morale.

I also had the results of my MBTI assessment and my 360 degree feedback at work. This gave me such a boost on one hand and a little bit of a shock on the other. It was great as many ex line managers of mine completed it and had some really nice things to say about me and scored me quite high on many qualities. The shock came as my current line manager scored me very low on most attributes and his assessment was way out of line with colleagues and everyone else.

Best buddies

I discussed this at length with the consultant giving the feedback analysis as he voiced his concerns about the disparity between the scores. From discussion we felt that the culture and the team I am in are holding me back, even suppressing me and not letting me shine. My boss is also new to management (we are his first staff) and it was felt this was a major factor as within the team culture he probably felt he couldn't give high scores. It's a great concern as a report on the same lines will hold me back from promotion so I need to address this with him and explore why his scoring was so much lower than everyone else. The up side - I know it isn't me and that work and the negative energy there is affecting me. I am seriously looking for another job with another team in the organisation. Sometimes, information comes just at the right time, and this time it's helping me address something negative through giving me a positive boost. And just knowing this has made me feel so much better already.

Just to prove I'm still alive

Awakenings - Art by Tracy Kobus Fine Arts

Buzz, buzz, buzz...busyness abounds! Work is hell on toast (still) and among other things occupying my time are;

• two kitties full of hormones, hell bent on destroying my home (Max chewed through the hallmark doggie tag off my Radley bag today)
  
• a never ending list of chores
• a new aquarium
  
• putting shoe boxes together for Operation Christmas Child
• setting up a trading post for CDs, DVDs and games at work to raise funds for charity
• an interview with a national newspaper about my MBA
• organising a trip to see a museum collection for our historical fencing club

Never a dull moment eh? This week I also have to go for another blood test to check my thyroid function. Since having half of it removed I have suffered from hypothyroidism. I have been on hormone therapy now for a couple of months and I feel so much better. It's such a big plus being able to stay awake. I am not exaggerating when I say it has felt like a similar experience to the patients in the film 'Awakenings'. For so long I have felt like a walking zombie, unable to concentrate, with no memory and who spent any energy she could muster, Just. Staying. Awake. Dammit.

Before I go I thought I would leave you with two tips for top TV: 'Lie to Me' and 'True Blood'. The first is a psychology based drama and it's intelligent, smart and well written. Tim Roth plays Dr Lightman who is an expert in unearthing the truth using the facial Action Coding System which uses micro expressions to read people. The second follows Sookie, a barmaid living in Louisiana who can hear people's minds, and how her life is turned upside down when a Vampire called Bill, walks into her place of employment two years after vampires 'came out of the coffin' on national television. It's early days with this one but there is something about it that intrigues. Take a look and see what you think.

Soooo tired

I am tired. Very tired. No, that doesn't sum it up enough. I am tired down to the very cells in my bones. I am so tired I have no energy to do anything. I am writing this in a good moment and to tell you the truth if I closed my eyes I would go to sleep right here, right now on the sofa, sat bolt upright with my laptop.

I constantly feel listless. Doing anything feels like wading through treacle with a huge weight on my back whilst going uphill in gale force winds. I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything, let alone actually do anything. Work is very stressful and busy at the moment also, which isn't helping at all and it feels like things at home are falling apart as housework remains undone because I'm too busy falling asleep. It's all very frustrating. I have made an appointment with the doctor as something is clearly not right and the only thing that is obvious, even to my confused and tired mind, is that this can't continue. I feel crappy and if I had the energy I'd probably cry.

So, I doubly appreciate those of my blog friends who pop by here to say hello. I am sorry I have been neglecting you and I owe you all a visit and just as soon as I can fit you in between naps.

Not a lot else going on in my life at the moment (no energy) but it is my birthday this Sunday coming when I celebrate a milestone birthday. Lord knows I don't feel that old but the calendar assures me it's true. I'm going away for the weekend to celebrate with M as if I waited for my family to throw a party or something I'd turn blue and fall over if I held my breath. It has ever been thus and quite frankly I'd rather have a quiet time away then a few drinks with a couple of friends another time. One plus point of getting older is you know who your real friends are, and it isn't always your family. Friends are indeed, the family you choose.

Of course, when I get back home after my weekend I get my kittens which are my birthday present to myself. The purrfect present! I know it's a bad joke but hey it's the best I could do on my batteries. If you see the Duracell bunny tell him I need a recharge. Thanks!

I don't normally use the word cute a lot but...

Max at 8 weeks

Those who are not cat lovers might like to skip this paragraph. I visited my Max this week and was amazed at how much he had grown. He had basically doubled in size from when I saw him at 5 weeks and this time he was very much awake as you can see from his beautiful big blue eyes. He looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth but approximately two minutes after this photo was taken, he was chewing on my fingers. Earlier that day he had been shut in a room he wasn't meant to be in and had apparently been getting up onto the dining table (and being shown the floor again). It sounds like I will very much have my work cut out for me when I bring him home at the end of the month but truthfully, I can't wait :)

On a different note, the chaos that is poorly thought out change continues to sap my will to live at work. This week has been particularly difficult as my thyroid condition seems to be playing up at the moment. It's been a really lovely sunny week and I've had no energy whatsoever. I have been feeling like the Duracell bunny who got the short straw of generic batteries and is the first one to stop drumming. Bleh! The next couple of weeks are going to be really busy so I hope it sorts itself out a bit.

Between work and bouts of nodding off on the sofa I have been watching some great TV series. I have rediscovered 'Ed', a series about a lawyer who also owns a bowling alley in a small American town and also 'American Gothic'; a series about a small town in America where everyone is not as they seem and a young boy, Caleb loses his sister who then visits him as a ghost to uncover the past and protect him from the Sheriff who isn't what he seems to be. I have also discovered 'Castle' which is a series about a murder/thriller writer who teams up with a NYC detective to solve crimes. It sounds trite but the characters are great, the script is well written and acted and it's humorous. Click on the series names to check them out as IMDB will tell you more than I have the energy to here right now.

Other than the above, I am looking forward to a quiet weekend before the busy week ahead and will be booking a weekend away for the end of the month to celebrate my birthday. It's gonna be a milestone one and I intend to do something special. If I haven't been round to visit you recently then I hope to soon. Right after 40 winks. Promise.

Other people's words

Picture from Lolcatz

'We lavish on animals the love we are afraid to show to people. They might not return it; or worse they might' ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I've not been around much in blogland this last week or so. All the things I talked of in my last post are still pertinent: I still miss Bob and grieve for him, the change programme at work is very trying and demotivating (having done an MBA I know a good example of 'how not to manage change' when I see it and no, my input is not required), and I am still battling the lack of energy that accompanies an underactive thyroid. I'm not going to go on about all this though as I even get tired of hearing myself at times.

All is not doom and gloom though. I have a long weekend coming up courtesy of a Public holiday adn a couple of days leave and a new sofa being delivered. The old one was looking very tired and it was time for a change. I am also going to see the Royal Shakespeare Company perform Julius Caesar in Stratford-Upon-Avon on Saturday which I am really looking forward to. I haven't much else to tell right now so I thought I would leave you with words of wisdom from other people. Pick the ones that mean the most to you.

'Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.' ~ Oprah Winfrey

'Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.' ~Martina Navratilova

'Family is just accident... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.' ~ Marsha Norman

'Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.' ~ Marcelene Cox

'If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders'.' ~ Abigail Van Buren

'People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.' ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

'Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes... You think everything's OK, and it is...'til it's not.' ~ Ani Difranco

One week on...

I've not felt like blogging much this past week. I thought I would spare you all my grief and mourn privately. I was devastated by Bob's death but one week on I am coping with the huge gaping hole this small dear cat left behind. The photo is of Bob two days before he died. It was just a quick pic taken with a mobile phone but I love it.

Thank you to everyone who left condolences here or on FaceBook for me and also to two wonderful blogger friends who sent me emails. I very much appreciated them.

There is not much else to tell really. Life goes on. The restructuring at work continues apace though it seems that no-one really seems to know what is going on. Isn't communication wonderful? I took my sister her birthday present of a digital photo frame and on the way up the motorway we had a little excitement when we received a call from M's brother who was on the hard shoulder with his vehicle on fire. The weird thing is we were literally just two minutes from him when he rang for help. Now, what are the chances of that happening? The fire engines turned up and put out the blaze, the highways agency closely followed them and closed the lane and it was all over quite quickly really. We left them there waiting for the road rescue breakdown truck to arrive. Luckily real life didn't mirror movie art and the car didn't explode, but I got a little concerned when the fire was near the tyres. Gas under pressure plus heat is not the best combination really.

Unless you really want to hear about my chores that is pretty much all I have to tell. When I feel more like it I will post some more photos from my Barcelona trip. I have much to share, but right now I'm not in the mood. Grief is tiring but I'm working on feeling better.

Super PM

Our Prime Minister has been keeping a well kept secret...up to now, when he dramatically revealed his secret identity as Super PM! I wonder if he wears his underwear over his trousers? What a horrible thought!