A year ago

Bob - Beloved Cat and Companion

I can hardly believe it's been so long since I last posted. Things have been so hectic-busy-manic (one word will no longer so) that blogging took a back seat in order to retain some sanity. Of course I'm not constantly on the go, but since I was diagnosed as having hypothyroidism I seem to get tired much more quickly and it takes far longer to bounce back. That means sometimes I don't so much drop a ball, but put one down for a while. Just until I have the time and energy to juggle it again. It's self preservation really and it's been a long, hard lesson for me to learn because quite frankly I can't do the same things at the same rate that I used to before the operation. So what balls have I been juggling?

• Work: The job I started in December has been more of a learning cliff to scale than a learning curve, but it's going well. Just last week I delivered a piece of work that is going to be adopted across the team and then other departments.
  
• Home: I have been trying for so long to get my home straight. There is so much to be done that it can be overwhelming but I am taking baby steps. This too, is a ball though that I sometimes have to put aside for a while as just keeping up with housework can be exhausting.
  
• Photography: I launched my new portfolio website nearly two weeks ago now and I'm really pleased with how it looks. I have toyed with posting about it here but I'm undecided as the website is the real me, not my online persona. If you would like to take a look, then email me and I will send you a link.
  
• Wedding: No, not mine. I also photographed a wedding this weekend just gone. It was a huge challenge but I enjoyed it. As with everything, the best laid plans went awry as the bride had hair problems and so my time taking photos with the bridesmaids getting ready completely went off the schedule. I ended up helping the bride dress and acted as a calming influence on her mother who was in a flat spin as things were running nearly an hour late with getting ready! My stage management training kicked in and as with all the best shows, it opened practically on time. The group photos were interesting as people wrangling is like cat herding but I received many compliments on keeping it fun and keeping the ball rolling. I was so tired afterwards that it took me over a day to recover. All in all I think I got some decent shots, despite the lack of time to capture any reportage ones. I am currently working on them in Photoshop so they will be ready when the happy couple return from their honeymoon.

So, lots has been keeping me from here. It is also the anniversary of when my dear Bob left. I can hardly believe it's been a whole year and I still miss him. Just little things, like when I'm working at the computer, Bob always came to sit on the windowsill next to me. Sam and Max have started to do that too, but have a habit of trying to sit in front of the keyboard instead. We're working on it...

One week on...

I've not felt like blogging much this past week. I thought I would spare you all my grief and mourn privately. I was devastated by Bob's death but one week on I am coping with the huge gaping hole this small dear cat left behind. The photo is of Bob two days before he died. It was just a quick pic taken with a mobile phone but I love it.

Thank you to everyone who left condolences here or on FaceBook for me and also to two wonderful blogger friends who sent me emails. I very much appreciated them.

There is not much else to tell really. Life goes on. The restructuring at work continues apace though it seems that no-one really seems to know what is going on. Isn't communication wonderful? I took my sister her birthday present of a digital photo frame and on the way up the motorway we had a little excitement when we received a call from M's brother who was on the hard shoulder with his vehicle on fire. The weird thing is we were literally just two minutes from him when he rang for help. Now, what are the chances of that happening? The fire engines turned up and put out the blaze, the highways agency closely followed them and closed the lane and it was all over quite quickly really. We left them there waiting for the road rescue breakdown truck to arrive. Luckily real life didn't mirror movie art and the car didn't explode, but I got a little concerned when the fire was near the tyres. Gas under pressure plus heat is not the best combination really.

Unless you really want to hear about my chores that is pretty much all I have to tell. When I feel more like it I will post some more photos from my Barcelona trip. I have much to share, but right now I'm not in the mood. Grief is tiring but I'm working on feeling better.

To Bob

Everybody who ever met you, loved you. Even those who said they didn't like cats. I remember one of the most ardent cat haters, a steely Vice Chairman of a large corporation, grudgingly saying that you 'quite nice for a cat' while he scritched you behind the ears. Oh yes, everyone loved you but no-one more so than me. I remember the day I bought you home as if it was only the other day and not 1991, or was it 1992? (Forgive me, my memory fails me as in my head you have always been there). I thought I had chosen you, but of course as all good cat owners know, you had in fact, chosen me. I saw you in the pen at the shelter and I remember asking you if you wanted to come home with me. You looked straight up at me with big wide green eyes and simply said a very loud affirmative 'meow'. There was no mistaking your tone and so the following week I bought you home in a cardboard box which you fought to escape from the whole way back. You never did like enclosed spaces.

When we got home you were not so impressed at first. I lived in a first floor flat and you sat at the bottom of the stairs looking suspicious. I sat with you and stroked your head and you hit me. No claws, just a smack. This went on periodically throughout the first day with the periods of stroking getting longer. Sometime that first evening you made the decision to stay. You walked upstairs and came into the lounge. You jumped up onto the arm of the sofa next to me and looked straight at me. I looked straight into your eyes and I knew we had reached an understanding. Thank you for trusting me all these years. It is the greatest compliment to be trusted so completely.

Since that day you followed me around like a puppy, barely leaving my side when I was at home. Even when you went outside you would come back in to check I was still there. I remember you didn't like it when I left the house to go out, or when I went to bed and you would fly at my legs and hold on, sometimes gently biting my ankles or knees. I always told you I would never leave you and I always came back, but still it helped to roll some treats across the floor so that I could retire unmolested. And so our first ritual started which persisted until you left me.

We had many more rituals you and I. Ones that wove themselves into our very existence so quietly that they became natural. There was the licking of the yogurt pot. How you loved anything dairy! I told you it was not good for you but still you loved it so much that I could not deny you a little now and then (you held no truck with that cat milk junk). You would patiently wait until I had finished and then I would ask you what you wanted. You would hold up your little paw (and sometimes dance from paw to paw in excitement) and meowingly ask nicely. You also liked my shoes and at bedtime would wait by my bed for my slippers which you would then lie on and purr while demanding fuss. You would answer to your name and come running when called and knew other human words too.

We have been through a lot together you and I: 3 homes (including 1 relocation to another city), 1 career change, 3 promotions since then (me, not you), 3 relationships (not counting ours), 1 wedding and then ultimately 1 separation and divorce (again, me), 2 teeth removal operations and 2 hospital stays including renal support (you, not me), numerous illness including surgery for fibroids (twice) and my recent thyroid surgery (you were an excellent nurse), 2 post grad qualifications and 1 MBA (me, though I know you helped), 2 family bereavements (human), 1 family estrangement and countless other ups and downs. Thank you for being there and never ever judging me.

You were beautiful, you were special, you were mine and I loved you dearly. Thank you for being my friend and my constant companion all these years. It has been a privilege and I will always treasure the time we had together. You died on 5th May this year. It was windy when I took you to the vets and it seemed that it had come to carry you away. That decision was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it was time. You were tired.I stayed with you right to the end.

Missing you old friend. Rest well.

Bobbing along

So..it's been nearly a week since I last blogged but I have a good excuse, honest. Well, actually it's not that great but it's true. Work has been a tad on the busy side and quite a big tad on the stressful side. Change has become de rigour at work but this one is particularly painful as our team is being merged with another and the culture and modus operandi is so different that it's akin to mixing oil and water. Unfortunately the new boss took a JFDI approach to managing the change and now quite a few people are demotivated and disillusioned.

On top of that it is time for the end of year appraisal and I have been trying to write mine, something I always find difficult to do. I want my achievements to be recognised but then I don't want to over do it and give the impression that I can walk on water and do a neat trick with loaves and fishes.

On top of that, I went for my blood test this week and have been informed that I need to have another one in 3 months. Why? Because they are not happy with my thyroid function. Apparently my half a thyroid has not taken over as well as hoped. I told you I felt run down didn't I? This would help explain the uncharacteristic tiredness which is accompanied with bouts of uncharacteristic grouchiness due to feeling tired and having to cope with the hoohar at work.

On top of that I have used all my spare worry time on Bob. Since he came home last week I have kept a close eye on him, but the good news is that he is doing fine on the steroids. In fact, he is quite his old self apart from being very thin (though he eats fine). I took him back to the vets today and we decided to continue with the steroids and see how he goes, though I have been warned once again that this is simply buying some quality of life time. I know this, that is why I have already researched pet cremation places nearby. I don't want to have to deal with finding things when the time comes and this also helps me mentally prepare.

The truth is we don't know how long Bob has left but we will make it as good as possible for him. Bob of course is currently sulking at me for taking him to the V.E.T.S. and he let his opinion be known by throwing up on the way home. Right now, I'm just glad he's doing well, and will take his feedback in my stride. I hope I get better feedback from work next week when I discuss my appraisal. Right now though I'm just looking forward to a nice long bank holiday weekend, with a dash of sun please if that's not too much trouble?

The cat came back

The good news is that Bob is back home! My little chap is a fighter and responded well to steroids and I was able to collect him and bring him home late yesterday afternoon. I have to continue with the steroids this week and take him back at the end of next week for another blood test. Fingers crossed that he continues to respond well to the therapy.

I have been warned by the vet that even though Bob is doing so much better, that this is most likely lymphoma and seems to be the beginning of the end. Depending on the progress of the disease, and depending on Bob, he could last a few weeks, maybe shorter, maybe longer. It's hard to tell without invasive tests that I won't put him through. So the plan is to let Bob be my guide. I will respond to his needs and as long as he has quality of life then I will do everything in my power to make sure he is spoilt rotten and comfortable.

We have been together a long time and I know Bob will let me know when it's time. At the moment he is so pleased to be home. He has barely left my side and when I passed by his bed earlier today he was purring in his sleep. I am overjoyed to have him home and so glad that I didn't choose the option that is so final (which I was under pressure to do from a number of sources).

The hardest part of all of this has been having to put up with perhaps well intentioned people imposing their feelings and values on me about how I should feel. I felt like hitting a couple of people, one in particular who told me it must be easier on me as Bob was so old (Not at all, are we less upset when a loved aged relative dies or when a young person dies or is our grief linked to our love of the individual rather than chronological age?). A couple have given me the 'mad cat lady' look (I do know that my cat is not a child, but my compassion and love for something is not limited to things with two legs only) and a couple of people have even questioned my decision to try the steroids. I pose this question to them, how about if someone gave up on you if you became very ill, just because you were old? It made me angry that I was feeling completely devastated by the news and yet it felt like I had to justify my upset. So here it is: I love my cat. We have been together a long time, we have been through a lot. Bob is one in a billion and I am making the most of whatever time we have left together.

Not just a cat

My cat Bob, the namesake of this blog, has been my constant companion for around 17 - 18 years. I can't remember exactly how long we have been together without looking at his adoption certificate as it seems like he's always been here. Ever since I bought him home and he decided he would like to stay with me we have been pretty much inseparable (excepting work for me and some naps for him).

My relationship with Bob outlasted my marriage, and in fact Bob was there letting me cry into his fur when it all went horribly wrong. He was there too recently when I had my thyroid surgery and applied the simple therapy he was so good at dispensing, a cuddle. He was also there when I went through hell and anaemia with fibroids three years ago. When I was studying for my MBA he would usually sit with me, and help by wandering across my desk, sitting on my notes and nudging me. I liked it best when he would sit on the windowsill by my right shoulder, making little kitty snoring noises. He was there too when I left the theatre and changed careers, whenI bought my first house and everything else over the years. Bob is not 'just a cat', not to me.

Bob had to go to the vets today. He's been looking very under the weather and I was worried. They kept him in to treat dehydration and do some tests. Turns out Bob most likely has cancer and it is most likely lymphoma. All the signs support the diagnosis. I have been asked to consider my options including... I can't even write it at the moment. I am waiting to see how he does overnight on the rehydration therapy. Steroids are an option but basically will only buy some time. I have been told to not expect much.

Cat on a hot windowsill

I have written before about my cat, Bob, the namesake for this blog. He has been a feature in my life and a companion for a looong time. In fact it's coming up to 17 years now. I have no idea exactly how old he is as he is a rescue cat but he was estimated as being between 2-4 years when I adopted him, so he's quite an old boy.

Bob likes to 'help'. This is the alternative cat definition of 'help' which seems to translate as getting in the way and sitting on stuff. Through out my MBA studies, he has helped in this manner. He has walked over the keyboard, sat on my books and papers, head butted me while I was trying to work, stood in front of the monitor and stuck fur to my mouse mat. I wouldn't have it any other way though as through those long and many hours of studying he has also sat quietly on the window sill next to me. Just being there. Sometimes he watches the world outside and other times he would nap. Sometimes he would snore and I would gently poke him to make him stop, and he would open his eyes so that they were narrow slits and give me the 'look'.

I took this photo of him one day when I took a short break while completing my final MBA essay. He was sat on the sill as always, enjoying the afternoon sun and taking a nap. I know he isn't human and therefore does not understand the moments of pure despair I have had at times trying to do my studying with work as well, but he has been there right beside me, all the way through. Now, doesn't he look peaceful?

Guard cat!

Hi, Bob here. The REAL Bob that is, not my 'owner' who I have so graciously condescended to adopt my name as a nom de plume. Actually I use the term 'owner' but we all know who is the real boss around here too. I keep her around as she has those handy opposable thumbs which are good for opening doors and packets of food. Also, she's taller than me as some idiot put everything too high in MY house so I need someone to reach stuff too. Besides, why keep a dog and bark yourself?

I have found a window in my heavy schedule of napping, stretching, napping, eating, getting in the way and napping to let you know that 'Bob-kat' is away right now being busy. Ha! has she not seen my schedule? There are not enough napping hours in the day and so my schedule eats into my night time napping! She tells me that work is manic as her boss is sick and there is much to do due to compressed deadlines, on top of that work are migrating to a new computer system which has meant much time backing up files and such and she is not getting ahead with her MBA essay as work is eating into study time! All I know is she is home late to feed me! Harumph. Anyway, time for a nap....zzzzzzzzzzz

Sun worshipper

The last weekend in the UK was sunny and although this time of the year there is a distinct chill in the air, Bob the cat was determined to catch whatever rays he could. He bothered me with constant meows, first they resembled gentle requests and then got louder and more indignant until the door was opened. He shot out like a cork from a champagne bottle and busied himself with his rounds, making sure everything was where he had left it. With this important business taken care of he then carefully selected a sunny spot under a large shrub and settled down to absorb just as much sun as he could.


After a while I went outside and he was still there. When I touched his belly, it felt soft and incredibly warm from the sun, and he gently complained as I cast a shadow over him. I took a few photo's of him stretched out contentedly but I really liked the one I have posted above of Bob on the prowl. Sometimes, a cat has just gotta make sure everything is okay before he can stretch out, relax and catch those rays.

Study Partner

Sooooo... the exam is over. I put my pen down at 1pm today which was a relief quite frankly as my hand ached. Alot. I am so used to tapping away on a keyboard (computer, not musical instrument), that writing continuously for three hours always comes as a bit of a shock. By the end of the exam, my handwriting had definitely decended from the the free flowing articulate form which is usually a trademark of my letter writing, to something more befitting an illiterate inebriated spider. I can only hope that the marker has completed his course in advanced handwriting deciphering.

As ever I have no idea as to how I have done. I feel that I fluffed one section but I'm pretty sure I did better than I expected to on the first section. I really don't know about the final section as it was a very open-ended essay question. I guess it's wait-and-see time which is always what my mother cooked for dinner, or at least that is what she told us when we asked. But I digress.

The nice thing about getting an exam over with is the feeling of freedom that envelopes you afterward. Freedom from the bonds of revision and the confines of a small study, freedom to do with my time whatever my little heart desires. At least for a while, once the chores are done and around work, but the rest of it is mine! All mine until the next part of my MBA starts in May.

As promised I have some photos I have taken to share with you, but until I get around to posting them I thought you might like the pic below of my study buddy, who sits on the window sill by my desk and purrs, and also occasionally wanders across my desk to see me in a helpful manner, more befitting a bull in a china shop than a small cat, with items tumbling to the ground after being toppled casually by his passing. Still, his company was appreciated. The pic is of Bob alfresco earlier today.


Photos of my day out to Raglan Castle coming soon as promised. Right now I am off for a relaxing evening.

Doo doo do do doo...

See... this is what happens when you confine a person to her study with only a computer for company and a small black and white cat! She goes a little nuts and surfs the web and finds the clip below which makes her beam like an idiot because a) she's gone a little nuts and b) she remembers the clip from her childhood and remembers her and her brother driving their poor mother mad singing it non-stop for days. We always used to sit down together as a family and watch the Muppets when I was growing up and it always made us laugh. We all had our fave Muppet (mine was Animal) so who was yours?

Incidentally Bob the cat has been very little help with my essay writing. I have found him doing various 'helpful' things over the last few days including:

• Napping on my notes and refusing to move. Not even when I tried to pull them from under him. I even tried doing the table cloth trick and all I got was a cheesed off looking cat.
  
• Trying to help by walking across the keyboard and typing "xdfsfdcurtm". I looked it up and it is NOT a word, no matter what Bob says.
  
• Deciding to come and sleep in front of me so that I had to reach over him to type. I thus looked like some mad muppet pianist! Take it from me this is not a desirous look and it is not comfortable.
• Drinking from my glass of water when I left the study for two minutes. I came back to find him stood on the desk, lapping away. I walked into the study and exclaimed and he looked at me as if to say "What?". Honestly, I don't drink from his bowl!
  

Still, he usually comes and sits on the windowsill next to my desk when I am working and it is quite nice to have him there, where I can occasionally reach over and stroke him. Anyway, back to the books for me! Hopefully normal service will be resumed soon as my deadline is at the end of this week so I won't be around much in blogland until after then. Hope you enjoyed the clip! :-)

Bob's Christmas

Well, Bob the cat was in a cattery over Christmas while I was off being ill in the Med so he had his Christmas when I came back. I know he's a cat and as such Christmas probably means very little to him other than his house gets invaded by a sparkly tree but he's my cat and so he gets presents, despite the fact that he never gets me anything!


So, first I gave Bob his stocking, which he sniffed expectantly and patted experiementally with his paw. When we had ascertained that it was dead and was not going to a) run away or b) attack we could proceed with the goodies. First, new ping pong balls. Bob loves these but gets through loads of them as either they get lost under furniture to be rediscovered on hoovering (and sometimes hoovered up) or I sometimes tread on them which takes the ping outta them.

The ping pong balls having been approved (and one immediately lost under the sofa) the next thing out of the stocking was some treats. Now, given half a chance Bob would scoff the lot but I made him have only a couple like a good boy to save room for his Gourmet cat food which was in the stocking also (and a big hit - very clean dish!).

The last thing in the stocking were toy mice and not just ordinary ones but cat nip ones. Once Bob got one whiff of these he was in catty heaven and I could get no sense out of him. So that was Bob's Christmas - food, toys and drugs! What feline could ask for anything more?