Bobkats House

So long... and thanks for all the fish.

2011-04-14T13:19:00.003Z

It’s the end of an era, but not unexpected by those brave souls who have stuck with me through my increasingly sporadic posting. I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye though, or without ending things properly. Bobkat’s house was started by me in 2006 as a way of connecting with people. My blog was named after my dear departed but still much loved cat called Bob, whose house I was allowed to share with him as his companion.

It was somewhere where the rest of my life wasn’t, unless I wanted to bring it here and air it. It was a way for me to start showing my early efforts at photography and to share things I’d been doing, my thoughts, frustrations and some bits of my life. On the whole I have found it to be a hugely enriching experience and deeply rewarding. I have met some awesome people from around the world through my blog and have been privileged enough to visit them at their blogs and share their thoughts and experiences too. It has been an extremely positive place to be mostly, marred only by a malicious stalker who was mislead by my ex (you shouldn't beleive everything you hear) and obviously has issues that have nothing to do with me. I am glad to leave her behind. Annoying buzzing things are never missed.

Lately though I have not had time to dedicate to blogging and this has genuinely saddened me. I have managed to connect with some blog friends on FB and have kept up to date with their lives on there. I have missed visiting you all and reading what is going on with you. I also feel like I have let you down by not being at home here more often and this has made me feel bad. So what have I been doing instead? Well work has been very busy with long hours. I’ve never shared what I do here but it has to do with current events in the world. That is all I can say. I have also been really pushing ahead with my photography and have learned so much and am building it into something that could take me somewhere new. This is exciting but on top of full time work, exhausting too. Then there is my real home. I am finally trying to sort things out here. I’m getting things together, reclaiming my garden and redoing it, sprucing up my home and throwing out an awful lot of crap. It feels good, but it takes time and I really have to prioritise.

But, this is not the end but a new beginning. I will be starting a photography blog. I will continue to visit all my blog friends so I can share their lives, just a little. I will leave this blog up and visit for awhile to see who has been by and when the new blog is ready I will drop by and invite you over to my new place. Look on it as moving and not leaving, and thank you for being such great blog friends. It’s been an honour. Ther have been few fish. The reference is to a book by my favourite author, Douglas Adams, but the sentiment is true. So, so long… and hold the fish.

A little bit of drama

2011-02-15T13:54:00.004Z

Well, so far this year I have basically been two things: ill or busy. I had a stomach bug that lasted over a week and this year so far I have had two migraines making another twelve days out of action. Not great. Other than that I have mostly been at work or catching up on chores and stuff which have piled up while I was ill. As Cathy would say, 'Ack!' As a consequence I have very little to tell and nothing interesting to share that is for sure. However, everyone likes a little excitement and drama in their lives and as this kitty demonstrates, if you need more then you can make your own. Enjoy!

Photographic Musings

2011-01-20T15:07:00.002Z

Thank you to everyone who visited and left get well wishes for me after my last post. My migraine finally left after eight days. It was very unpleasant but I’m back to my normal self now. Whatever that is. The real annoyance is that it occurred just as I was getting into my stride with my new ‘cycle-to-fitness-in-front-of-the-TV’ regime. Now I pretty much am back at square one. Never mind, I will force myself back into the saddle tonight.

Other news is that my photography website crashed. I was using Concrete5 and they ran an automatic update that killed my website and everyone else’s that used them. Getting the site back would have required over a days work and as I was due to update my site anyway I decided to start from scratch and use iWeb. If you are a Mac user I can thoroughly recommend it. It’s based on a drag and drop system, is very user friendly (as one has come to expect from Apple), and integrates seamlessly with iPhoto. The site is looking good, even though I do say so myself!

I also went to a photographic convention in London recently which had loads of traders there and I found some great suppliers and chatted to some nice people. I attended a couple of interesting seminars and came away inspired and very tired. I have observed that there are two camps of photographers and both were at the convention: those who are kit obsessed and those that focus on the creative side of things. I find the people who are focused on the photography itself, and creating beautiful images are great to talk to. They tend to see photography as an art form and not a system of rules to be rigidly followed (the rule of thirds and no part of the subject should cut the edge of the frame for example (I break both)). They like to experiment and you can get a good idea of techniques that work from them and that you might be able to apply and adapt. I tend to avoid the camera kit obsessed. They focus on what model you have (they often look down on mine as it is not top of the range) and can reel off specifications like they would the alphabet. They always have the best kit and swan around adorned with branded kit and opinions. I am rarely inspired by their photography.

I once talked to a well established and respected pro photographer who told me: If you have (say) £1000 to spend on gear then spend one third on the camera and two thirds on the lens. A camera is simply a tool (albeit an extremely intelligent one) to capture what you tell it to, it’s the lens that creates the image quality and the photographer that creates a great piece of art. Which reminds me of one of my biggest niggles: I am often told “That’s a great photo – you must have a really good camera”. It always feels like being given a compliment and then having the rug pulled out from under you as if they are saying, it’s the camera that takes the picture and you just operate it. I have a good camera, this is true, but it is not top of the line. If I gave my camera to my mother she would still cut people off at the knees and there would still be times when the photo was over or under exposed, even if used in the fully automatic mode. I often wonder if such people, on seeing a wonderfully intricately carved wooden table, would comment to the carpenter ‘That’s a really beautiful table, you must have a really good chisel’?

Under attack

2011-01-12T15:11:00.002Z

Last Friday I was sitting in front of the computer editing some photographs when all of a sudden someone ran up behind me and smacked me on the forehead with a big hammer. Blam! At least that was what it felt like. On the right, just above the eye. Bugger. Sudden onset migraine with none of the usual warning signs.

I've been a migraine sufferer since I was a teenager and over that time I have learned what triggers them for me, how to cope and what helps me best. In short I know what to do. I usually suffer with common migraines with just the head pain, nausea and photo and aural sensitivity. They usually last around 24-48 hours and then I am left with a post migraine fog for a couple of days where I find it difficult to function properly - I can't think straight, I find it harder than usual to find words and get words mixed up easily. Most of all it leaves me tired and washed out. I could sleep for a week.

However, sometimes I have a persistent migraine that lasts from three to seven days or so, known as status migraines. This one has turned out to be such a one. Six days and counting. The pain is not so bad right now but is getting worse (again). My eyes ache and I have the brightness on the screen turned right down. It's getting me down as I cannot keep on with my exercise while I feel so awful and washed out. And thank goodness for spell check. Migraines are not just 'bad headaches' they are a painful condition which means you cannot function properly. I cannot wait for this one to leave so I can resume my life again.

I resolve...

2011-01-02T12:47:00.008Z

There comes a point when enough is enough. I have been at that point for some time. Somewhat like a saucepan of milk approaching the boil and it is time to take action before the stove top needs a damn good scrub. No-one likes burnt on milk and you wouldn't want me to reach boiling point. Think Godzilla on the rampage in a large city. Not pretty.

So, time for action. It's not going to be easy but I want my body back. I want to feel good again. Hell, right now I would settle for alert and energetic. I want to fit back into some of my own clothes which are taking up cupboard space but I can't bring to throw away as what I am now, is not me. I am sick of wearing whatever I can find that fits and want to wear clothes that I like again.

Most of all, I want to reclaim my self confidence. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you get messages all the time about how worthless you are judged to be by your peers. It's sad but true, when you are overweight people assume that it's because you have no self discipline. After all, if you didn't just sit on your huge behind and eat chips, doughnuts and chocolate all the time you'd be thin right? If only it was that simple. For a start if is hard to fit in exercise when you do a demanding desk job and are grappling with a fledgling proto-business on the side. And that is before you factor in chores. The real problem for me though is hormones. Hypothyroidism means weigh gain no matter what I eat and a lack of energy which goes so much deeper than normal tiredness.

It's also hard to find sporting clothing to fit. I am having so much trouble finding suitable togs that I would feel comfortable wearing to a gym, let alone a sports bra, which believe me is paramount unless a want two black eyes! However, despite all this, I am going to reclaim my health, my body and my life. It's been on hold now far too long. It's time I made me a priority again. As I said, enough is enough. This isn't a new years resolution. This is a promise to myself. It is not going to be easy so I'm going to need a lot of support. It's either that or Godzilla!

And finally, A Happy New Year to all my blog friends. Your tenacity at bearing with my variable blog habits remains deeply appreciated by me.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T00:00:00.007Z

It's Christmas Eve, the tree is up and decorated, the presents are wrapped and under it and I am sat watching a Christmas film and enjoying a nice glass of wine and some chocolate.

Christmas dove... is watching you!

I thought I would share some photos of my Christmas tree with you. I always decorate it with fruit, berry's and birds. On top of the tree I always have a white dove of peace. It seems apt for this time of year, being the season of peace and goodwill to all men. I also have some robins nestled amongst the branches, and what seem to be golden sparrows and a fanciful red glittery bird of some description (let's call it the Christmas bird of Paradise).

I finished work two days ago and am so happy that I have a whole two weeks off wrk over Christmas. I very much need the break as I have been very run down. Still more medical tests to come in the new year but I think the time away from work will do me good.

I have been working on my photography and actually shot a Christmas Eve wedding. It was very small but the bride and groom were happy. It was a short shoot though with so few guests! I also took advantage of the recent snow and went out taking some pictures, some of which I am really pleased with. I will share some here soon.

It's the small hours of Christmas morning and so I will finish now. Wished you health, wealth and happiness this Christmas. may it be filled with joy and may you be on Santa's 'nice' list.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Advent

2010-12-05T12:03:00.003Z

I am so looking forward to Christmas. I always do of course. My childhood Christmases were so wonderful that the magic of this time of year has always stayed with me. I love choosing presents for friends and family, wrapping them and sending cards. I love receiving cards in the post instead of just bills and junk mail. I love that people are usually just a little bit nicer to each other. The picture is of my advent calendar which has goodies in each pocket ~ a small chocolatey treat.

This year though, Christmas cannot come quickly enough as I get two weeks off work. I so need a break. Other than a couple of odd days off, the only time off work I have had was at Easter. Work has been particularly trying this year as well, mainly due to a very difficult boss, who is a control freak and only seems to care about outputs and process. On receiving a Christmas card from a friend at work, I overheard them ask "Are you allowed to send cards through the internal mail?" The jobsworth on a nearby desk confirmed that you were not and he said "I thought so" and seemed quite satisfied with himself. It just struck me as odd as most people would say "How nice, a Christmas card from so-and-so", but then I suppose it's in character for a person who stated at a team meeting "I don't feel the need to be friendly with my staff". We are a team of four people so needless to say motivation could be better. A year of this has left me somewhat stressed.

On top of that I have been feeling very run down physically too. I went for tests and the doctor confirmed it is my thyroid again (and potentially something else) which would explain the constant tiredness, lack of concentration and the complete absence of energy. Steps are being taken and I have to go back for more tests soon. I still feel like crap all the time though so forgive my lack of blog presence.

Still, thanks to online shopping all my Christmas presents are bought. My tree will be decorated this weekend coming and I will hopefully finish writing my cards this week. I have a Christmas CD in the car and I have a list of Christmas themed films to watch, from classics such as 'White Christmas' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' through to 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and 'Die Hard' (1&2). Even health problems can't crush the Christmas spirit in this Kat : )

Sad news

2010-11-17T21:16:00.006Z

I know my last post was a month ago and once more life has got in the way of blogging. Despite my best efforts I haven't been able to find time or energy to blog and I am once again genuinely sorry for that. As ever, it's nothing in particular. Work has been very busy (a constant theme these days) and it has been hard enough keeping up with chores and finding time for photography let alone anything else. Those of you on FB will know I find 5 mins or so to update my status and say hi on there but it is so hard to find time to sit down and actually compose something.

Energy has been an issue lately too and right now I am waiting for the results of various blood tests. I think they took a whole arm full and they seem to be covering all the bases. Part of my hopes they find nothing as I don't want to be ill, but part of me also hopes they find something as I must feel this awful, all the time for a reason? Ever feel conflicted? Anyway, I intend to make a special effort to visit all of you soon. I miss your blogs.

In the mean time I have had some sad news. That handsome hound I recently photographed in my last post died of a stroke yesterday. His owner is devastated. I have known Alfie since he was a puppy and he was a beautiful dog in nature and looks. He always had a big smile and a good wag and loved a game of ball and loved his owner. He will be missed. Rest in Peace Alfred the Great.

Alfie

2010-10-07T08:46:00.007Z

Alfie

I love to take photo of animals. Like people, it's not just a case of capturing their likeness, it's about capturing their character; what makes them who they are in a single picture. This isn't that easy as we humans see living things in motion. Essentially we are watching a movie as the pets, people and animals we see are not frozen in time in front of us, but constantly moving. The way they move and hold themselves is an essential part of who they are. So a photo is literally a moment in time and that is why my approach to photography is more journalistic than posed. I always know when I have 'the shot'. The one that captures the spirit and personality of my subject and not just how they look. I love it when someone sees a photo and says "That's so-and-so to a 'T'!"

I was recently commissioned by a client to take photos of their beloved Border Collie, Alfie. Alfie is a very personable old chap who loves his owner and likes nothing better than a game of ball, where he fixes his whole being on the ball until it is thrown for him. The first shot here is of Alfie looking at his owner. He is clearly enjoying himself. The second shot shows the intent side of him, the one that concentrates completely on his beloved ball which is just out of shot. When I showed these to the client she said, "Oh, that's definitely my Alfie" and there it was, the buzz I get from taking photos.

Got Gold!

2010-09-12T19:53:00.003Z

I had the best news recently. This photograph of jellyfish was awarded 'gold' in a recent competition held by the photographic society I am a member of. This means I will be published in their magazine and entered into the annual competition with other images that were awarded gold. I'm chuffed to bits!

Of course this is a wonderful antidote to my everyday bill paying job where I continue to (barely) tolerate things. Sammy is wearing his cone again. After his leg nearly healed he chewed the scab off and so it started bleeding again. Back to square one. He's allowed to have the cone off when he is sat on the sofa with me where I can keep a close eye on him. He loves to have his ears and neck scratched when the cone comes off and closes he eyes with pleasure and purrs like a nutter. Bless.

Cone of Shame

2010-08-20T20:11:00.003Z

Poor little Sammy has had the cone of shame on for a few days now and is not at all happy with his new look. The problem started around 3 weeks ago when a couple of small bare patches of skin on the back of his lower leg started to bleed. A lot. I'm not kidding when I say that it looked like small animals had been sacrificed on my lounge rug and landing carpet. One trip to the vets, a course of antibiotics and steroids and a cone and he seemed to get better. However, last weekend the bleeding started again. He had worked out how to get round his old cone and so that was useless in stopping him from licking his leg and so it was back to the vet. We have more antibiotics, more steroids and a bigger cone, much to Sammy's chagrin.

The cone is transparent so at least Max can't ambush him anymore, but poor Sam doesn't understand and often asks me to take it off. He can't wash and so Max has been helping (but then lost the plot and washed the cone) and I have some moist grooming wipes.I'm really hoping this works as his poor leg is a mess. On top of that my stair and landing carpet is ruined and I dare not replace it until he's better.

The photos are a couple of recent snaps (pre-back leg issues) of my boys. I am still working long hours at work for someone who doesn't know their derriere from their arm joint and thinks Leadership is doing what they want. It's demoralising and stressful. I hope life is treating you well though.

Sent with love

2010-07-23T13:09:00.005Z

Now I hope you are sitting down as this is the second post this month. I know, shocking isn't it? I am pleased to be here and interacting with you all though and show you one of the things I have been up to. The photos are of my own greetings cards featuring my photos. I am so pleased with how they look. I am trialling them at the moment to see how well they sell and may consider doing packs in the future and selling them online. What do you think? I am going to also put together some calendars.

Otherwise life ticks along. Work is hell on toast. It has got to the point where it is getting me down. I dislike my job. Actually that is a fib, it's not the job I dislike, it's the way I am managed. I won't go into too much detail as you never know who is reading but I feel constantly sidelined and undermined. I have spoken to another manager but they can't do much. I need to confront my manager but I am considering how to go about this using diplomacy as I still need to work with them. They are not the sort of person who takes criticism (or another point of view even) well.

I haven't been well lately either. I was out last weekend and suddenly had the most awful stomach pains. I went to the ladies and threw up and the rest of my weekend was spent on the sofa making poorly noises and knocking back pain killers. It might be some people's idea of a good time but not mine. The whole week I have been unwell on and off. It's getting boring for me and apparently for people on FB who are now ignoring my feeble attempts to gain sympathy. Oh, woe is me. No, seriously I will be fine. I have weathered worse storms than this. I just really wish someone would get the strange alien being out of my intestines or at least persuade it to loosen it's stranglehold on my stomach. I really don't think anyone should be this much aware of their innards. It just isn't right and quite frankly I have enough other things on my mind.

Anyway, less of my complaining. Let's focus on the pretty cards and I will be thankful that I have my photography. I'm doing a wedding on Christmas Eve and have been approached to do three family / child portraits as well. Perhaps I could turn this into a business?

Long overdue update

2010-07-13T12:19:00.003Z

I have been absent for some time and until I checked the date on my last post, I hadn't realised how long. From my blog stats I can see that very few people drop by and so I am probably talking to myself, though I am pretty certain a couple of my oldest blog friends will check in.

My situation at the moment is complicated. I have very little time or energy for much once work has taken more than it's fair share these days. In short I am very busy at work but very unhappy as well. I feel that I am being set up to fail for a number of reasons but I don't want to go into any more detail here. You never know who is reading. I used to blog at lunchtime but now often work through lunches.

I am so far behind on my chores at home that I just see things to do wherever I look. The list lengthens and no matter how much I seem to do, it never seems to make a difference. Just keeping the house clean is a challenge. My garden is a mess. Weeds have more or less taken over. There are dead things in pots which saddens me as I haven't had time to do anything. I fear pygmy warriors may have taken up residence in the dense undergrowth, but they too are on my list to evict.

Not everything is negative. I launched my photography portfolio website and have been working on improving my photography lately. I potentially have commissions to do a small wedding and a couple of family portraits. This is something I enjoy and this creative outlet can be a real sanity saver at times.

A blog friend commented that I had been lost to Facebook. Yes, I am active on FB, but it is not the reason I am not here. It takes just a few moments a day to update my status and check in on others through the news feed. I actually find FB to be 'noisy' with no real intimacy. It's a platform where everyone seems to be transmitting but is essentially not emotionally fulfilling like blogging. Or perhaps that's just me. I miss my blog friends but just can't seem to make time to come here and do anything meaningful. I'm working on it.

Ironically, at the same time I have been toying the idea of discontinuing my blog. I am painfully aware I have not seemed to be a good blogger. My problem is threefold. At the moment my life is not running smoothly and I do not want to share these things here. They are negative and boring and there are people who visit here that I don't want to share my inner thoughts with, including a malicious person, which covers the second issue: I do not feel I can share here any more except trivial bits and that is not what I want to write about. The third issue is time and energy. I am toying with the idea of a new blog based more around my photography but with a lot of me thrown in as well. It addresses the issues and I can stay in touch with my blog friends and bring you with me. I'm just thinking at the moment. I'll keep y'all posted. Thanks for popping by. I really do appreciate it.

I've just read this and it seems very negative - I was going to delete it but I it explains a few things. Believe me there are some good things too. Life is never black and white.

Have you got a bear in your freezer?

2010-06-01T08:10:00.008Z

Among the usual dross, trying to sell me things I don't want; trying to persuade me that their vision for my life is much more desirable that what I have and I could have it if I just bought their product; there are a series of adverts for a frozen food company that make me smile every time they air and they feature a slightly disturbing polar bear.

Things are fine here. Just very very busy at work and my spare time has mostly been split between chores and having a big clear out and tidy (I have too much junk) and working on wedding photos and compiling a photobook for the bride and groom as a gift. I'm very pleased with how it looks and can't wait to see the final printed version myself.

A year ago

2010-05-04T16:00:00.004Z

Bob - Beloved Cat and Companion

I can hardly believe it's been so long since I last posted. Things have been so hectic-busy-manic (one word will no longer so) that blogging took a back seat in order to retain some sanity. Of course I'm not constantly on the go, but since I was diagnosed as having hypothyroidism I seem to get tired much more quickly and it takes far longer to bounce back. That means sometimes I don't so much drop a ball, but put one down for a while. Just until I have the time and energy to juggle it again. It's self preservation really and it's been a long, hard lesson for me to learn because quite frankly I can't do the same things at the same rate that I used to before the operation. So what balls have I been juggling?

Work: The job I started in December has been more of a learning cliff to scale than a learning curve, but it's going well. Just last week I delivered a piece of work that is going to be adopted across the team and then other departments.
Home: I have been trying for so long to get my home straight. There is so much to be done that it can be overwhelming but I am taking baby steps. This too, is a ball though that I sometimes have to put aside for a while as just keeping up with housework can be exhausting.
Photography: I launched my new portfolio website nearly two weeks ago now and I'm really pleased with how it looks. I have toyed with posting about it here but I'm undecided as the website is the real me, not my online persona. If you would like to take a look, then email me and I will send you a link.
Wedding: No, not mine. I also photographed a wedding this weekend just gone. It was a huge challenge but I enjoyed it. As with everything, the best laid plans went awry as the bride had hair problems and so my time taking photos with the bridesmaids getting ready completely went off the schedule. I ended up helping the bride dress and acted as a calming influence on her mother who was in a flat spin as things were running nearly an hour late with getting ready! My stage management training kicked in and as with all the best shows, it opened practically on time. The group photos were interesting as people wrangling is like cat herding but I received many compliments on keeping it fun and keeping the ball rolling. I was so tired afterwards that it took me over a day to recover. All in all I think I got some decent shots, despite the lack of time to capture any reportage ones. I am currently working on them in Photoshop so they will be ready when the happy couple return from their honeymoon.

So, lots has been keeping me from here. It is also the anniversary of when my dear Bob left. I can hardly believe it's been a whole year and I still miss him. Just little things, like when I'm working at the computer, Bob always came to sit on the windowsill next to me. Sam and Max have started to do that too, but have a habit of trying to sit in front of the keyboard instead. We're working on it...

One Year Old!

2010-04-11T16:38:00.010Z

Max and Sam - 4-5 weeks old

This week saw my boys turn one year old! Of course, I wasn't able to bring them home with me until they were 12 weeks old and they were 5 weeks old before I met them for the first time. Back then they were tiny balls of fluff that could sit in the palm of my hand!

Sam and Max - One year old

One year on and my boys have become big kitties! They have grown up so much and have become giant balls of fluff instead. Especially, Max who has become a big soft pudding of a cat with a mischievous streak a mile wide. He is also very stubborn at times but is a very loving soul too who loves his belly being rubbed.

Max

Sam, on the other hand was quite a handful as a kitten. He was always the more timid of the two and could be quite naughty but has grown into a sweet boy. He is always the one who meets me by the door and will come running when he is called. He is also the brighter of the two and has leant quite a few tricks. His latest trick is to give me a high five when asked. He gets up on his back paws and smacks my open pal with his little paw. No, really he does!

Sam

They had recently been bought a new activity centre / scratching post and so they just had some treats and small toy mice on their birthday. The treats went down very well, with much licking of chops and the mice, well they were promptly lost under the sofa. All six of them. Happy birthday boys!

Max

Easter

2010-04-01T17:10:00.004Z

It's that time of the year again. Spring is springing (though you'd never tell from the weather which is cold and wet!), the daffodils are blooming, new born lambs are shaking their tails in the fields and March has mysteriously vanished. Easter is finally upon us, in a frenzy of chocolate wrapped in gaudy coloured foil and thankfully, brings a few days off work. Christmas break seems so long ago...

I am feeling much better now, tough still having trouble with my asthma after the last chest infection. Healing takes time and I am trying to be patient but I would so like to walk somewhere without breaking into a wheeze of a 80 year old that has smoked a packet of cigarettes a day since their teens. Work has been crazy busy, more so than usual, and I have delivered a couple of things that should benefit the whole area. I am just waiting for the Management Board to endorse one so fingers crossed.

In my personal life I have been working on a couple of projects. The first is a damn big clear out. So far, I have thrown a load of stuff out and the place looks worse than ever! I can only hope that there will be a place for everything when I'm done and I don't disappear under a pile of random detritus before I'm done. The cats are accounted for and are banned from the spare room and study for fear that they might get trapped under something.

I am also working on a website. My website. It's going to be a photographic portfolio of some of my work. I am not setting up a business as such but I have been asked to photograph a wedding and do a pet portrait and I thought it would be nice to have somewhere to display my work and see where this thing takes me. More information will follow soon. Lastly, I will be collecting a new member of my pet family tomorrow and I can't wait. It's a baby Crested Gecko and these little chaps are so sweet. More news on him with pics soon. In the meantime, if you celebrate it, have a very Happy Easter.

Bad Bobkat!

2010-03-12T18:51:00.000Z

The title refers to me of course but has a dual meaning. I have, of course been quite remiss lately. I haven't been blogging much and have failed to visit my lovely blog friends. It goes without saying that it is my loss. I am often in awe at the way someones blog can make me smile on a bad day or inspire me or just make me think. I miss these connections and yet there is always something demanding my time at the moment.

I have also been ill for a while. Anyone that knows me on Facebook will have seen some status updates hinting at various ailments but the truth is that I am run down. My immune system just seems to have lost the will to fight and lets every horrid little bug doing the rounds set up home. I am currently suffering from another chest infection, I have also had a cold that lasted and lasted and been generally run down which prompted blood tests. If this wasn't fun enough, had a migraine that lasted a whole week. That was not fun. I have also been pulling long days at the office which haven't helped but that work ain't gonna do it itself!

So, I am bad. Remiss for neglecting my blog friends, who despite evidence to the contrary, I value greatly and poorly sick bad. It's getting me down.

On a more positive note I am working (when I can summon the energy and the time) on a personal photographic project which I hope to share here soon(ish) and I have also been asked to photograph a wedding and do a dog portrait. Nothing is ever all bad eh? : )

LuBling

2010-02-10T22:28:00.005Z

The gods of bling have clearly been smiling on me as I recently got to select a piece from the LuShae Jewelry collection and all I needed to do was tell you what I think of it. Now you might think that a freebie may colour my objectivity but I think that would be doing you, me and the seller a disservice. Thankfully, it's not an issue though as I can tell you that I am one happy bunny. I love the piece I chose and I found the whole experience of dealing with LuShae to be pleasant.

White Gold Rhodium Bonded Wreath Pendant with Pave Ruby and Emerald CZ in Silvertone

LuShae offer a wide choice of lovely jewellery pieces, including rings, earrings and pendants. The photographs here are of the piece I chose which is the wreath pendant. It wasn't easy choosing a piece as there were so many pendants to choose from that caught my eye. In the end I chose the wreath pendant as the simple circular design gave it a classic look, that although inspired by Christmas, made it a year round winner for me.

The photographs here are of the actual piece I received. Considering it had come from the other side of the planet, delivery was quite swift and it came well packaged and protected. The pendant came in a lovely blue and cream presentation box which pleased me as I hate it when a lovely piece of jewellery is presented in a cheap box. Luckily LuShae don't cut corners here.

I was very pleased with the pendant itself and have been wearing it for a couple of weeks or so now and so far it has received many compliments. It lives up to the quality promised and quite frankly the only niggle I have is that the Emerald and Ruby CZ really doesn't show up as well as it does in the picture on the website which was a little disappointing. That said this is still a great piece and one I will be wearing for quite a while. It's nice when you can safely recommend a company based on quality service and product.

Life in The Office

2010-01-31T12:45:00.004Z

Ricky Gervais as David Brent - The Office (UK)

I have been so busy and this is a trend that is likely to continue for the next 3-4 weeks. Oh, work has been busy and the chores at home never seem to end but that is not it. I recently passed the first stage of a lengthy and competitive promotion process. Stage one down, two more to go! The next stage is in 3-4 weeks or so (depending on the slot I am given) and takes the form of two written exercises based on work type scenarios. The final stage is in September and is an assessment centre with written exercises and role play situations.

The whole process is very competitive with around 800 candidates all after around 170 promotion 'tickets'. These are a bit like Willy Wonka's golden tickets as they permit those that have them to apply for posts at the next level. So I suppose there is a further stage after the whole assessment process as you have to apply for posts and pass interview to get a post!

I am being very realistic about the whole thing. Very few people pass first time but on the whole I feel I am in a win-win situation. If I an unsuccessful at either of the next two stages then I am given feedback to help me address areas I am less strong in and I can always try again next time round. There are very few opportunities for such detailed feedback so I feel I even win if I lose in a way. It's not often that happens!

Anyway, for now I am chuffed that I passed the first stage as quite a few people didn't. I had a small celebration at home with a bottle of Champagne (it is so important to celebrate the successes along the way). Wish me luck for stage two and please understand if my blogging is erratic. It's all a bit like preparing for exams!

Snow Business

2010-01-10T09:59:00.019Z

Frozen Britain taken by Nasa's Terra satellite on 7 January 2010

Snow is not a usual feature of Britain's winters. Sure, it can be found in the Highlands of Scotland and on the peaks in Wales and Northern England, and we have the occasional flurry which may hang around for a day or two, but nothing like this. This is snow that means business. It's several inches thick and it's here to stay at least for the time being. The big kid in me loves the snow even if it made it a little more inconvenient to go to work at first. What I can't stand is the perpetual whining from the majority of my fellow countrymen. I continually hear the chorus of 'Someone should do something about this'. Indeed, the Government should legislate against winter and ban the snow, except in areas where it is pretty and can be used to make snowmen, no?

Tintern in the snow

The shelves in many supermarkets have been stripped bare from panic buyers. There is no salt or kitty litter to be had as people are using to grit their paths, something they say, the council should be responsible for. The call for more cat litter and salt is putting additional demands on an already strained supply chain trying to cope with the panic buying of food. Hello?! Your home is your own responsibility and if we all go out there are cleared our drives and the path in front of our homes then these would be clear! This is all symptomatic of how the welfare state has enfeebled the country. Meanwhile, the same people whining about not being able to go to work are outside playing in the snow and building snowmen rather than going to work. If you travel a few miles to a hill to slide down it on a tea tray then you sure as hell can get to work. Not exactly the blitz spirit that our grandparents would recognise.

Tintern Abbey

Having been in work all week, I took the weekend as an opportunity to go out and see the snow and get some fresh (and freezing) air. I ventured over to Tintern to photograph the Abbey in the snow. The clouds were threatening more snow, but the sun kept breaking through to reveal a blue sky and make the snow glisten.

After a while my hands were so cold that I needed to get warm. We decided to retire to a local hostelry to thaw out and for sustenance. The Anchor, was beautifully warm and cosy inside. I had the most delicious burger I have ever tasted and soon felt the feeling come back to my numb fingers and cold cheeks.

Tintern is among the earliest of Cistercian settlements in Wales and was founded in 1131 by monks sent directly from Normandy at the behest of Walter fitz Richard de Clare, the Earl of Chepstow, on the banks of the river Wye. Tintern, as with all monastic institutions, was suppressed by Henry VIII during the Dissolution of the Monasteries, between 1536/9. The nearby Anchor Inn was probably the abbey's watergate and a 13th century arch links it with the slipway.

The Abbey is situated on the River Wye in Monmouthshire and the ruins have inspired the Wordsworth poem "Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey" and Tennysons's poem "Tears, Idle Tears" and more than one painting by Turner. It also featured in Prince of Thieves and in the video for Iron Maiden's "Can I Play With Madness".

Once we had warmed up,we ventured out again and walked along the river before heading back along the main road towards the Abbey again and the warmth of the car. It was cold, but beautiful and although we saw a few other stalwart souls, the place was quiet and still in the blanket of snow.

The Boys

2010-01-04T14:14:00.003Z

Max and Sam are now nine months old and as you can see from the photos, they have grown somewhat. When they are fully grown (they grow up to two years in age) they will be between 12-20lbs in weight so they still have some growing to do.

Sam

The older they get, the more their personalities develop. Sammy is still the more reserved of the two, suspicious of visitors, sometimes moody and often tells me off when I stop him doing something or make him do something he doesn't want to. He is however, very sweet, loves his chin being tickled and the one more likely to keep a close eye on me. He loves being picked up for cuddles and nestles his head into my shoulder. When he plays with Max, he is the rougher of the too and when he plays with me he loves to jump in the air and catch things.

Max

Max is the bigger of the pair and a lovable rogue. He has a cheeky streak a mile wide and is a wide open book. He has the loudest purr and bestows it on me liberally. He loves having his tummy rubbed and likes to chase things across the ground. He will do anything for a treat and will shake paws, beg and sit on command (as will Sam) and also likes to give me 'kisses' which basically means I get a wet nose.

My boys are growing up, but they are growing into beautiful cats don't you think?

Health, Wealth and Happiness

2009-12-31T16:54:00.004Z

Where did the year go? Did someone shorten it by several months when I wasn't looking? As ever time has whooshed by and here we are at the cusp of another new year and I wonder what this new one has in store for me.

2009 sure has been one hell of a mixed bag (I've made some links in bold to relevant past posts). I started the year with surgery to remove my thyroid tumour which thankfully turned out to be benign. Over the course of the year the scar across my throat has faded so that it is barely noticeable which is a far cry from the Frankenstein-like staples I was sporting for a week or so after surgery. Afterwards my poor half a thyroid couldn't cope very well and I spent the next six months in a kind of torpor with my main goal in life being to just stay awake. Lord knows how I made it through those following months (for all I know I probably hibernated) but now I can stay awake thanks to some little white tablets.

In April I visited the wonderful and vibrant city of Barcelona and met up with an old blog friend, Mar, who turned out to be as lovely and fabulous as her writing leads you to believe. Soon after I returned from this trip however, my dear old cat, Bob became ill and died. I was bereft and miss him still. May also marked my graduation ceremony for my MBA, the culmination of five years study and I had a wonderful day. I also decided that something in my life was missing and went to meet a tiny young kitten called Max who sat in the palm of my hand and went to sleep. From that moment he was mine and later on I would decide to adopt his brother too. June saw me reach four decades. Nuff said.

Max and Sam came to live with me in July and have caused mischief and mayhem ever since. I cannot believe how tiny they used to be compared to the big fluffy kitties they have become. I will post some more pics of them soon. It was also around this time that I started to feel more myself again and I have been playing catch up on the year ever since, having a clear up and a clear out that was long overdue.

In November I visited San Francisco (post with pics coming soon) and had a great time and then there was the rush to Christmas. Oh yeah, I was also made surplus in my old team and so had to find a new job and luckily did that in under a month. I'm still finding my feet but I think this post will be good for me.

Sure there was other stuff and hubbub but those were the highlights. I know that life is full of ups and downs and so I know 2010 will be filled with these, but I hope for less of a roller coaster ride and more ups than downs for 2010. I wish the same for you and hope that the new year brings you health, wealth and happiness. Thank you for visiting me (all except my malicious 'anonymous' visitor) and for your continued support.

Happy New Year!

Oh! Christmas Tree

2009-12-20T21:35:00.010Z

I always love Christmas and so always look forward to putting my tree up. I don't rush though and put it up as soon as December arrives. Part of the whole experience is the anticipation of Christmas, of looking forward to putting the tree up and decorating. It feels more special if it is up for a just three or so weeks, and it comes down on the twelfth day of Christmas.

I decorate my tree with fruit and birds in hues of gold and red. I have ivy and berry garlands entwined around the tree and a white dove sits on top. Underneath I have a collection of little chaps who look like a bunch of carol singers.

I love to sit and watch films, or use my laptop by the Christmas tree lights and some candles. It feels cosy which is just what is required with the freezing temperatures we've been experiencing here lately. I have watched quite a few Christmas films in the run up to Christmas including, Scrooged, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street (original B&W), Die Hard 1&2, Gremlins, While You Were Sleeping, The Holiday, Elf and Love Actually. Holiday Inn, A Christmas Carol (B&W) and Nightmare Before Christmas to go.

On a separate note, my new job is going really well, and after two weeks I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable even the learning curve is more like a learning climb! I'm being given extra responsibility already and my boss seems to like my ideas. That has to be good. Other than that I am nearly ready for Christmas, just a few presents to wrap and the turkey to get along with a few other bits and pieces. The sprouts have been on since last week so they should be cooked in time, LoL!

Place Holder

2009-12-06T16:52:00.008Z

Name: Bobkat

Date of reservation: 6th December 2009

Location: In da house.

Comments: This spot is reserved for a post on San Francisco.

Notes: I just cannot seem to find time to sit down and finish my post on San Francisco. I don't think Blogger wants me to post it either as it kept spitting my photos out. I will persevere though and so it is a post 'in progress'.

So, what on earth have I been up to? Well, a number of things. I have finally got around to sorting my house out. My divorce was three years ago and my house has had piles of random "stuff" to sort out, rooms to furnish and generally a whole make-over and declutter was required. It is a big job and I am not finished yet but I am getting there. Every time I sort something out it makes me feel good; like I am getting on with my life and leaving the past where it should be - behind me. I have my parents coming for Christmas so there is a sense of urgency to get certain things done and prepare for Christmas. The tree will go up next week.

I have also been helping my partner with his recently launched book. First I was taking photographs for the illustrations and then I helped with the editing and promotion. The book is called "Zompoc: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse" and is available on Amazon (.com and .co.uk). It's doing quite well and is being well received by zombie fans (there are more of them than you know!).

Lastly, work has been more hectic than ever with the team short by two people. I then found out that my post was to be cut as well and so I then had to find another job. I managed to find one elsewhere in the same organisation doing something completely different but it seems like it's a good move for my career. Fingers crossed. Isn't it funny how things work out? Anyway, I start tomorrow so wish me luck!

Back in Blighty

2009-11-16T16:47:00.004Z

I've been back from San Francisco for a couple of days now, battling jet lag, catching up on tons of laundry, getting my bearings and braving the British weather. I had a fabulous time and having left SF with blue skies and sun I returned to torrential rain and gale force winds. A further bump back to earth came when I got home and realised I had a suitcase full of dirty washing to contend with and I had to go back to work. To paraphrase a famous Hollywood icon, 'Toto, I guess I'm not in California anymore'. Photos will follow soon.

Packing Boxes and Bags

2009-10-31T17:53:00.003Z

I do not know where October has gone to. It seems to me that it has been cut by around three weeks or so. Mind you I have been busy so it is not surprising that time has flown by. So, what have I been up to? There is so much to tell.

Work has been hectic, and I mean more so than usual due to various factors beyond my control. Also, at the start of the month I had a really bad chest infection which left me unable to breathe properly. I was put on a course of steroids strong enough to be the envy of an athlete with questionable morals and told if things didn't improve in a couple of days then I would be admitted to hospital. Luckily I did improve but am still not 100%. Nasty bug. So, I had to have some time away from work which further compressed deadlines. I have been very tired. On top of that I found out recently that my post has been cut so I need to find something else.

I have also been raising funds for Operation Christmas Child. I chuffed to bits that I managed to fill and wrap 50 shoe boxes for under privileged children this year. It's so simple to do and has such an immediate effect as I know that the box I put together will be received, as it was sent, by a child that would otherwise receive nothing. I love that such little things like soap, toothbrushes, stationary, small toys, hats, gloves etc. are appreciated. It seems to me that we can take a lot for granted sometimes. In Romania, the children from gypsy families cannot even go to school unless they supply their own stationary so just a few pencils and notebooks can provide access to education. Who would have thought it would be so simple to really make a difference to someones life?

I also had my first professional commission as a photographer. A friend of mine has written a book about survival during a zombie apocalypse and I have been assisting with taking photographs and editing. Taking the photos was quite intense but a lot of fun, especially when we had people made up as zombies. I loved that even though there was a list of shots that were required I could also still exercise some of my creative skills and came up with a few good ideas of my own. It was good experience having to direct the people modeling, especially as none of them were professional models. It was pretty time consuming but worth it as the book has been published and is available online.

So, after all that I think I deserve a holiday and so that is exactly what I am doing. Soon I will be jetting off to San Francisco, somewhere that has been on my list for some time. Literally everyone I have spoken to that has been there has said that they loved it. I am so looking forward to seeing it for myself. Of course this means that I will be absent from blogging for around just over a week but I am going to make a concerted effort to visit all my blog friends before I go. Watch out San Francisco, I'm packing my bags.

Where is Bobkat?

2009-10-06T12:07:00.002Z

Blog friends of Bobkat have recently been puzzled by her apparent absence. Until recently Bobkat was a frequent visitor to others blogs and could often be found at her own blog posting and behaving in a convivial manner.

Bobkat was last sighted at her virtual home ‘Bobkats House’ a week last Tuesday, when she was heard to mutter something about “popping out for a short while” and that she “might be some time”. Her cats, Max and Sam have refused to comment but released a short statement which simply reads “Meow”. Such brevity has not shed much light on the subject.

Bobkat left some clues as to her whereabouts and was seen last week in the South East of the UK attending a Leadership course. Reports have also been made of sightings in Wales, where it is believed she is taking photographs to provide illustrations for an upcoming book on ‘How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse’. Additional reports have been made of a woman matching Bobkats description, putting small items into shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child. As the sighting was made at her home address it’s a fair assumption that it was her. A note found on her neglected laptop simply reads ‘Back soon, hugs n stuff’.

Of cats, shoe boxes and newspapers.

2009-09-14T15:32:00.011Z

Can we have new beds please? These are not up to kitty standards!

Firstly thanks to everyone who left kind comments and encouraging words on my last post. I really appreciated them. I've been shooing my black dog away, though things remain trying. I decided to use some of my work skills and apply them to my personal life and so I made a list of everything that was bothering me, what the issue was and then looked at what I could actually change and what I might just have to accept and how I could go about this - a little like a very organised version of the serenity prayer. It helped organise my thoughts and so now I am working on resolving the things on the list. Curiously, the things that I can change are not necessarily the hardest ones to tackle. It's one thing knowing you have to accept something and quite another one actually learning to live with that.

I can see myself in that funny thing you're holding to your face!

Meanwhile life goes on and my kitties are growing up at such a rate! They are now the size of the average adult cat and are just coming up to 6 months old. They are still the pure embodiment of mischief and are into everything. Their personalities get more developed with each passing week and they have started to get very definite habits. It's wonderful watching these two cats develop from little balls of fur into what I hope will be lovely companions.

Watch the birdie? What birdie?

I have been putting together shoe boxes of gifts for Operation Christmas Child and my boys have been "helping me", hence the photo of Max in the shoe box. So far I have put together sixteen shoe boxes and I'm raising funds to do more through work. To do this I run a tuck shop and a trading post for CDs and DVDs where people bring in their old ones and can exchange them for something else for £1.

Very sleepy...

On a different note, I saw a familiar face in one of our national newspapers last week. It wasn't a shock really as I did consent to the interview. The interview was about my MBA and my experience of studying and how it has benefited me in my career and was used as a case study to support and article on MBAs. It's a silly piece of vanity I know, but I was quite pleased with the article and how it looked. I even sounded good to me and it was a good boost to my morale.

I also had the results of my MBTI assessment and my 360 degree feedback at work. This gave me such a boost on one hand and a little bit of a shock on the other. It was great as many ex line managers of mine completed it and had some really nice things to say about me and scored me quite high on many qualities. The shock came as my current line manager scored me very low on most attributes and his assessment was way out of line with colleagues and everyone else.

Best buddies

I discussed this at length with the consultant giving the feedback analysis as he voiced his concerns about the disparity between the scores. From discussion we felt that the culture and the team I am in are holding me back, even suppressing me and not letting me shine. My boss is also new to management (we are his first staff) and it was felt this was a major factor as within the team culture he probably felt he couldn't give high scores. It's a great concern as a report on the same lines will hold me back from promotion so I need to address this with him and explore why his scoring was so much lower than everyone else. The up side - I know it isn't me and that work and the negative energy there is affecting me. I am seriously looking for another job with another team in the organisation. Sometimes, information comes just at the right time, and this time it's helping me address something negative through giving me a positive boost. And just knowing this has made me feel so much better already.

Feeling doggy

2009-09-02T20:59:00.008Z

This isn't a real post. It's more of a place marker.

I am feeling very low lately. I'm in a kind of fugue and I can't seem to shake it. I am not enjoying the work situation and my family have done a sterling job of making me feel crappy. In August I was excluded from my nephews 18th birthday barbeque a couple of weeks ago and my (oldest) brother's family birthday tea last weekend. My mother is always sure to tell me about them though, and if I try to discuss how hurt I am feeling she simply changes the subject in the middle of my sentence. Needless to say, my other (youngest) brother is involved in all this and so the family that didn't want to know, and wouldn't take sides have effectively taken sides. Apparently it is okay to send abusive text messages to your sister and then expect an apology from her. Who knew?

I can't seem to keep on top of anything, chores are getting away from me and my health has not been good.

I might very well delete this post as I might decide I sound too self indulgent later and I hate it when I sound like that. I cannot stand sounding whingy. I know I need to pull myself together and 'get over it' or whatever. It just isn't easy. I will be by to visit when I can, but otherwise I hope you forgive my absence. Like Winston Churchill, I have a black dog on my shoulder to shake.

Just to prove I'm still alive

2009-08-22T18:38:00.006Z

Awakenings - Art by Tracy Kobus Fine Arts

Buzz, buzz, buzz...busyness abounds! Work is hell on toast (still) and among other things occupying my time are;

two kitties full of hormones, hell bent on destroying my home (Max chewed through the hallmark doggie tag off my Radley bag today)
a never ending list of chores
a new aquarium
putting shoe boxes together for Operation Christmas Child
setting up a trading post for CDs, DVDs and games at work to raise funds for charity
an interview with a national newspaper about my MBA
organising a trip to see a museum collection for our historical fencing club

Never a dull moment eh? This week I also have to go for another blood test to check my thyroid function. Since having half of it removed I have suffered from hypothyroidism. I have been on hormone therapy now for a couple of months and I feel so much better. It's such a big plus being able to stay awake. I am not exaggerating when I say it has felt like a similar experience to the patients in the film 'Awakenings'. For so long I have felt like a walking zombie, unable to concentrate, with no memory and who spent any energy she could muster, Just. Staying. Awake. Dammit.

Before I go I thought I would leave you with two tips for top TV: 'Lie to Me' and 'True Blood'. The first is a psychology based drama and it's intelligent, smart and well written. Tim Roth plays Dr Lightman who is an expert in unearthing the truth using the facial Action Coding System which uses micro expressions to read people. The second follows Sookie, a barmaid living in Louisiana who can hear people's minds, and how her life is turned upside down when a Vampire called Bill, walks into her place of employment two years after vampires 'came out of the coffin' on national television. It's early days with this one but there is something about it that intrigues. Take a look and see what you think.

Because you asked so nicely...

2009-08-12T08:48:00.008Z

The Boys

Many people who stop by here have asked about Sam and Max and requested photos, so at the risk of boring all my non cat loving blog friends, here are a couple of recent pics. My boys are growing up, and fast!

Sam

Sam and Max came to live with me at the start of July and are now definitely part of the family. As time has gone on I have come two know two very different little characters. Sam is an intense and needy little fellow. If I turn around it's most likely to be Sam getting under my feet (though he does not have exclusive rights to this). He also has a temper on him and complains about things that won't co-operate with him and smacks things with his paw (like closing doors). He is also the one that catches onto things more quickly and sits on his hind quarters with his fore paws in the air when he wants something.

Max

Max is the slightly larger of the two and is very laid back. Very little fazes him and he is by far the more independent of the two. Max knows his own mind and is into everything. This can also lead him into naughtiness (but he doesn't hold the monopoly here) but he has a very loud and ready purr and a sweet nature.

Both of them are lovable rogues and are very playful. Their days are carefree and consist of playing, napping and chasing each other around the house at 100mph. They are indoor cast as their nature is too trusting and open and paired with curiosity means that Ragdoll cats often go missing or worse when left to their own devices in the outside world. However, I have bought them harness and lead sets and they love going out around the garden on a sunny day and sit very patiently while I put their harness on. They have also learnt to answer to their names (most of the time), and know words such as 'food', 'no', 'down', 'out' and 'up' though sometimes suffer from selective deafness! They are my pride and joy and drive me mad. Right now they are both sat on the sofa with me.

As for the rest of my life, well, I am acutely aware that I still haven't been visiting my blog friends much. I am busy but that is not the whole story. Work continues to be very stressful and I simply have very little energy for anything. The team culture is very reactive and rather than being lead, I feel like I am being yanked on a leash, not knowing which way to go next until I am jerked in that direction. On top of that, there is also much micro-management from above in the food chain and there is a disconnect between being able to manage your own work and responsibility for it. I do not thrive under such conditions I'm afraid and I am very tense as a result and am suffering from back and neck pain. I am hoping things will settle down in the long term but basically I am keeping my eyes open for another opportunity elsewhere in the organisation. Fingers crossed.

In short...

2009-08-02T22:38:00.003Z

Sorry I've been AWOL. I've been hellish busy or away.

Just got back from a weekend of camping where the heavens parted and dumped a sea on our heads. Apparently mere rain would not soak us enough. The campsite was also dreadful with very little level ground not populated by thistles and very soon turned into a quagmire. Despite this a good time was had in the evening huddled round a barbeque for warmth and food although rain spoilt play during the day. Ah... the joys of a temperate climate. I am so glad to be home, warm, clean and dry after a hot shower and a proper meal and am looking forward to my own bed. There is nothing like deprivation to make you appreciate something.

This week work is going to be gruesome (work) and I doubt I'll have much time for blogging again. I am conscious that I haven't been by much lately and hope to fix that soon! Meanwhile I appreciate you popping by.

Wind of change

2009-07-21T15:22:00.008Z

I haven't posted for a little while and to tell you the truth I haven't got a clue what to write now. I am alive and well... 'well' meaning things are pretty much the same. Except that I have been feeling pretty much demotivated by work and the feeling is so acute that it is spilling over into the rest of my life despite my best efforts to contain it and leave 'work' at work.

Change is an inevitable part of work these days and the team I am in are being subjected to a lot of change. I use the work 'subjected' advisedly. I am not one to balk at change. It has always been highlighted as one of my strengths in work appraisals and I have long since realised that change can be for the better and that if not, nothing lasts forever and things can always be changed back, or they will change yet again. I have long since learnt to sway with the wind of change like the reed in Aesop's fable, rather than break like the unbending tree. So why is this change causing so much stress?

While I was studying for my MBA I learnt that change is not just inevitable, but necessary in the business world. Organisations need to be able to adapt to the changing context they operate in. They need to meet evolving customer needs and they need to roll with the punches like the current recession in order to survive. I also learnt that there are methodologies that make such changes easy for everyone involved and that the flip side of that coin is that there are less than satisfactory ways to manage change.

Change is like a journey and if you are leading or managing a change initiative you need to take those affected on the journey with you. You need to be able to communicate what the change is about, why it is necessary and where you are heading.

You must involve those affected, consult with them and ensure that stakeholders are kept up to date and their views considered.

You must be cognisant of cultural factors, particularly when two teams are being amalgamated - all too often the meaning of words can be different as well as the accepted way that things are done.

You must plan how the change is going to happen and delegate areas so that people feel involved. You must get a senior manager to Champion the change and actually lead it in more than name.

You must review progress to ensure you are on track and address any concerns - remember resistors to change are not the enemy, sometimes they are resisting for a very good reason and it could be something you have overlooked!

Last but not least people should know what is happening and when and disruption to normal work should be minimised.

All this is is a 'should do' list, not a 'don't do' list! Change is never easy to manage and it is a learning experience for anyone involved, no matter at what level of the organisation. I have personally helped scope and manage two large change initiatives in the recent past and together with my Masters degree I feel I know the good from the bad from the down right ugly. From where I'm sitting right now, the view is not pretty at all.

If change is managed badly it can leave those affected demotivated and resistant. At best they will shut up and productivity will decline; at worst they may leave, taking skills and knowledge with them or they may undermine the change effort. Change is about making the organisation more effective and perhaps more financially efficient. When change is done badly it can become costly so why is it so often done badly by so many organisations? Essay answers please, on the back of a stamp or delivered by carrier pigeon.

Small Furry Lodgers

2009-07-08T17:25:00.005Z

I have small furry lodgers, and no, I don't mean the kitties. I was stood out in my back garden when I noticed a buzzing sound. Close by. I looked up and my lodgers were going to and fro from their nest which they had set up in a small bird box near the garage door. Buzz...in through the hole....buzz out the hole...and so on, busy, busy, busy! I have bees of course. Bumble bees and I'm pleased as punch to have them in my garden.

The photo is one of the bees returning. Apologies for the photo clarity, but I didn't want to get too close and the light was poor, but I wanted to get a shot to post and to help identify what type of bumble bee I have. According to *this site*, my black bees with red bottoms most probably the Red Tailed Bumble Bee. I can't be sure as I cannot get close enough (don't want to disturb them and don't want to get stung).

This little bit of research led me to doing more reading about bees. Bees are currently threatened from disease, loss of habitat, loss of bee keepers (really) and more the more aggressive South American breeds. Einstein is quoted as saying " without bees to pollinate our food crops, humans would die off in just 4 years". I checked out Snopes.com and it is unlikely that Einstein actually said this, but the point is no less salient. So, I'm happy to have my lodgers. Bumble bee nests are small and short lived on the whole, so they will move on in time and in the meantime they seem content to share my garden with me.

Having Kittens

2009-07-01T15:15:00.012Z

Max & Sam, July 1st 2009

My home has been invaded by small furry creatures. Thankfully not the rapidly multiplying Tribbles of Star Trek fame, but rather two Ragdoll kittens which I have named Max and Sam. Max is the seal point (brown nose and brown paw pads) and Sam is the bi-colour (pink nose and paw pads). The brothers are my birthday present to myself and I must say I am thrilled at my choice of gift!

I have missed the presence of a kitty (or two) in my life ever since dear old Bob passed away a couple of months ago. Already, I am starting to see their individual characters. Max is the bolder of the two. He is always first into everything, and he wants to get into everything too.Where Max goes, Sam invariably follows.

But Sam is no sheep. The more timid of the two at first, Sam knows his own mind and once he settled in, seemed to be the more pliable of the two. Already he recognises his name and the word 'no'. Max plays much rougher than Sam and also hogs the toys. If Sam has a toy then Max wants it too. I ma looking forward to getting to know them both better.

Other news is that I had a wonderful weekend away to celebrate my birthday. Chester is a wonderful old town where the buildings are white with black timbers and the shops are double decker with one row built on top of the first complete with covered walkway. The sun shone and I had a lovely time. I was dined at the most wonderful little restaurant, called Upstairs at the Grill run by two people who used to work at the Savoy (in London). I had the best steak I have ever tasted, along with a lovely Stilton Souffle and Creme Brulee, all washed down with some nice Chablis.

I had some lovely gifts too although not all of my family bothered to mark the occasion by even sending a card. Happily many friends did though and quite frankly, that counts a whole lot more in my book. On Thursday I am going out for a late celebration of a few drinks and something to eat with some of those friends which should be a good evening. Meanwhile I have two kitties to keep me entertained : )

Proof that time flies

2009-06-26T21:34:00.005Z

Somehow, I seem to have lost some time somewhere. An awful lot of it as it happens as I seem to have completed another decade. How???!!! Still, you know what this means?

It's my Birthday!

Well, it is on Sunday. I like birthdays. I like the fact that one day a year I get cards and presents just for being here. After all I am getting older every minute of every hour of every day so why not celebrate rather than pretending it's not happening? When I think of my teens (quelle horreur!) I wouldn't go back for anything. The fact is that now I know who I am, I know what I want (mostly), and I feel more happy because of it.

I also feel like celebrating as getting to 40 has not been plain sailing. Anyone who visits here regularly knows that the past 2-3 years have not been the easiest. At times I wondered if I could make it to the next day but by heck I did and by heck I am still here! And you know, now I am getting help from the doctors to manage my thyroid condition, for the first time in ages I feel like myself and I feel like I can take on the world! (Well, at least I can stay awake mostly now which is a great improvement from catatonic zombie).

So, I'm off to have a weekend celebration. I'm going to Chester for the weekend. A lovely old Roman town with black and white timbered buildings where I intend to exercise my photographic muse. I intend to enjoy myself because when it comes down to it, life is too short to be miserable. I'm 40 and I'm fabulous!

Soooo tired

2009-06-22T14:42:00.003Z

I am tired. Very tired. No, that doesn't sum it up enough. I am tired down to the very cells in my bones. I am so tired I have no energy to do anything. I am writing this in a good moment and to tell you the truth if I closed my eyes I would go to sleep right here, right now on the sofa, sat bolt upright with my laptop.

I constantly feel listless. Doing anything feels like wading through treacle with a huge weight on my back whilst going uphill in gale force winds. I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything, let alone actually do anything. Work is very stressful and busy at the moment also, which isn't helping at all and it feels like things at home are falling apart as housework remains undone because I'm too busy falling asleep. It's all very frustrating. I have made an appointment with the doctor as something is clearly not right and the only thing that is obvious, even to my confused and tired mind, is that this can't continue. I feel crappy and if I had the energy I'd probably cry.

So, I doubly appreciate those of my blog friends who pop by here to say hello. I am sorry I have been neglecting you and I owe you all a visit and just as soon as I can fit you in between naps.

Not a lot else going on in my life at the moment (no energy) but it is my birthday this Sunday coming when I celebrate a milestone birthday. Lord knows I don't feel that old but the calendar assures me it's true. I'm going away for the weekend to celebrate with M as if I waited for my family to throw a party or something I'd turn blue and fall over if I held my breath. It has ever been thus and quite frankly I'd rather have a quiet time away then a few drinks with a couple of friends another time. One plus point of getting older is you know who your real friends are, and it isn't always your family. Friends are indeed, the family you choose.

Of course, when I get back home after my weekend I get my kittens which are my birthday present to myself. The purrfect present! I know it's a bad joke but hey it's the best I could do on my batteries. If you see the Duracell bunny tell him I need a recharge. Thanks!

Double trouble or twice the fun?

2009-06-15T20:14:00.007Z

Sam

Then there were two... I had been thinking of getting two cats for many years but held off as Bob was very set in his ways and I knew he would not take to sharing very well. He barely tolerated other humans in 'his' home. So, when I decided to adopt Max I always had the intention of having two cats...eventually...sometime in the future. I just didn't realise it would be so soon!

Max

Sam is the last of the litter to find a home and he found it with me and his brother. I decided that two litter mates that were best friends would be so much easier to adopt than trying to introduce another feline further down the line. Sam and Max would wear each other out and be company for each other while I am work and I avoid all potential future problems from introducing a new cat later. I am thrilled and can't wait until I can bring them home at the end of the month as a birthday present to myself. It's a milestone birthday too so the present had to be extra special!

On a different note I apologise for my lack of blog presence lately. Work has become busy beyond belief and I am barely coping with my thyroid condition. I work, I sleep and do very little else as I have no energy. Once I get the next week or so out of the way I hope normal service will be resumed. Just in time to prepare for the arrival of my kitties and my birthday, which I'm determined to enjoy. Thanks for popping by, I really appreciate it and I hope to repay your visit soon!

I don't normally use the word cute a lot but...

2009-06-05T20:37:00.007Z

Max at 8 weeks

Those who are not cat lovers might like to skip this paragraph. I visited my Max this week and was amazed at how much he had grown. He had basically doubled in size from when I saw him at 5 weeks and this time he was very much awake as you can see from his beautiful big blue eyes. He looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth but approximately two minutes after this photo was taken, he was chewing on my fingers. Earlier that day he had been shut in a room he wasn't meant to be in and had apparently been getting up onto the dining table (and being shown the floor again). It sounds like I will very much have my work cut out for me when I bring him home at the end of the month but truthfully, I can't wait :)

On a different note, the chaos that is poorly thought out change continues to sap my will to live at work. This week has been particularly difficult as my thyroid condition seems to be playing up at the moment. It's been a really lovely sunny week and I've had no energy whatsoever. I have been feeling like the Duracell bunny who got the short straw of generic batteries and is the first one to stop drumming. Bleh! The next couple of weeks are going to be really busy so I hope it sorts itself out a bit.

Between work and bouts of nodding off on the sofa I have been watching some great TV series. I have rediscovered 'Ed', a series about a lawyer who also owns a bowling alley in a small American town and also 'American Gothic'; a series about a small town in America where everyone is not as they seem and a young boy, Caleb loses his sister who then visits him as a ghost to uncover the past and protect him from the Sheriff who isn't what he seems to be. I have also discovered 'Castle' which is a series about a murder/thriller writer who teams up with a NYC detective to solve crimes. It sounds trite but the characters are great, the script is well written and acted and it's humorous. Click on the series names to check them out as IMDB will tell you more than I have the energy to here right now.

Other than the above, I am looking forward to a quiet weekend before the busy week ahead and will be booking a weekend away for the end of the month to celebrate my birthday. It's gonna be a milestone one and I intend to do something special. If I haven't been round to visit you recently then I hope to soon. Right after 40 winks. Promise.

Hats off...to me

2009-06-01T15:57:00.006Z

verb /gradyooayt/ 1 successfully complete a degree, course, or (N. Amer.) high school. 2. (graduate to) move up to (something more advanced). 3 arrange or mark out in gradations. 4 change gradually.

Friday 29th May 2009 was the date of my graduation ceremony for my Masters degree. It symbolically marked the end of a journey that took me 5 years to complete, but I did it, against what seemed like insurmountable odds at times. Sitting in the vast hall, shoulder to shoulder with fellow graduates of the Open University in my light blue robe and gold and blue hood I allowed myself to feel proud of my achievement. I had done it. I had gained my MBA and here I was having it bestowed on me.

I posted the definition of graduate at the top of this post and for me three of the definitions are pertinent. My MBA has precipitated great change in my working life with two promotions over the past five years so I have moved up to new challenges equipped with the skills of my course. I have also seen gradual change in myself. I am much less naive than I used to be, both professionally and personally and some of this is due to the opportunities that have opened up because of my studies and some of it is due to personal experiences over the same period that are intrinsically interwoven with my studies, such was the commitment to it over the years.

The ceremony took place at Cheltenham Town Hall, which has a wonderful marble pillared hall with balconies on three sides and a stage at one end. On arrival I collected my robe and had the obligatory photo session and then we set off into town, down the promenade to take my parents to lunch. On the way I spied many other robed students, most in dark blue robes denoting it was their first degree, while a few were also in the light blue which denoted a Masters degree. We found a nice little Italian restaurant and I enjoyed a nice pasta dish that fused Italian pasta with Chinese duck in plum sauce and it was very tasty. Afterwards we took a leisurely stroll back for the ceremony.

The ceremony itself consisted of the usual speeches and presentation of the graduates but the tone was set for an enjoyable afternoon with a band on the balcony that played hits from shows such as Oklahoma. It sounds cheesy, but the tunes were upbeat, the air in the hall was alive with the spirits of people who knew they had earned the right to be there, and with the pride of those that had come to support them. The combination of all these made for a very pleasant afternoon which was rounded off by a glass of sparkling wine. It was a fitting end to five years of blood, sweat and tears and I had a great time.

Kitten Love

2009-05-27T16:10:00.006Z

Meet Max.

Max is an itty bitty lil kitten who is going to help fill the big hole in my life that Bob left behind. Bob, of course, is irreplaceable but I have practically had a cat my whole life and I miss not having a cat in my life. I miss being met at the front door when I come home and having an animal presence around. My lizards are great but somehow they just aren't the same.

Max is a Seal Point Ragdoll kitten which is a breed of cat known to be affectionate and biddable. They get their name as many of them go limp when picked up, though this is certainly not true of all of them. He will be coming to live with me at the end of June (ish) which gives me plenty of time to prepare for his arrival and enough space to get over losing Bob.

Guess who has already been buying new cat beds, toys and other kitty related paraphernalia? I just bought these cool looking cat toys for him and also a great scratching post based on a cylinder design with two levels and holes in the side to go in and out of and hide. I am counting on this to help save my furniture, especially my new leather sofa! It also has a ball on elastic string so I am envisioning a few comedic moments with that!

I am very much looking forward to getting to know my new kitten. I will be visiting him again next week and hope to take more photos then. The one at the top of this post was just a quick pic taken with a mobile phone. Max had been playing all day and he was tired. I scooped him up and sat him on my lap and asked him if he wanted to come and live with me. He made eye contact and then settled down on my hand and went to sleep. I took that as a yes.

Other people's words

2009-05-21T09:00:00.006Z

Picture from Lolcatz

'We lavish on animals the love we are afraid to show to people. They might not return it; or worse they might' ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I've not been around much in blogland this last week or so. All the things I talked of in my last post are still pertinent: I still miss Bob and grieve for him, the change programme at work is very trying and demotivating (having done an MBA I know a good example of 'how not to manage change' when I see it and no, my input is not required), and I am still battling the lack of energy that accompanies an underactive thyroid. I'm not going to go on about all this though as I even get tired of hearing myself at times.

All is not doom and gloom though. I have a long weekend coming up courtesy of a Public holiday adn a couple of days leave and a new sofa being delivered. The old one was looking very tired and it was time for a change. I am also going to see the Royal Shakespeare Company perform Julius Caesar in Stratford-Upon-Avon on Saturday which I am really looking forward to. I haven't much else to tell right now so I thought I would leave you with words of wisdom from other people. Pick the ones that mean the most to you.

'Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.' ~ Oprah Winfrey

'Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.' ~Martina Navratilova

'Family is just accident... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.' ~ Marsha Norman

'Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.' ~ Marcelene Cox

'If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders'.' ~ Abigail Van Buren

'People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.' ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

'Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes... You think everything's OK, and it is...'til it's not.' ~ Ani Difranco

One week on...

2009-05-12T16:28:00.005Z

I've not felt like blogging much this past week. I thought I would spare you all my grief and mourn privately. I was devastated by Bob's death but one week on I am coping with the huge gaping hole this small dear cat left behind. The photo is of Bob two days before he died. It was just a quick pic taken with a mobile phone but I love it.

Thank you to everyone who left condolences here or on FaceBook for me and also to two wonderful blogger friends who sent me emails. I very much appreciated them.

There is not much else to tell really. Life goes on. The restructuring at work continues apace though it seems that no-one really seems to know what is going on. Isn't communication wonderful? I took my sister her birthday present of a digital photo frame and on the way up the motorway we had a little excitement when we received a call from M's brother who was on the hard shoulder with his vehicle on fire. The weird thing is we were literally just two minutes from him when he rang for help. Now, what are the chances of that happening? The fire engines turned up and put out the blaze, the highways agency closely followed them and closed the lane and it was all over quite quickly really. We left them there waiting for the road rescue breakdown truck to arrive. Luckily real life didn't mirror movie art and the car didn't explode, but I got a little concerned when the fire was near the tyres. Gas under pressure plus heat is not the best combination really.

Unless you really want to hear about my chores that is pretty much all I have to tell. When I feel more like it I will post some more photos from my Barcelona trip. I have much to share, but right now I'm not in the mood. Grief is tiring but I'm working on feeling better.

To Bob

2009-05-05T21:32:00.004Z

Everybody who ever met you, loved you. Even those who said they didn't like cats. I remember one of the most ardent cat haters, a steely Vice Chairman of a large corporation, grudgingly saying that you 'quite nice for a cat' while he scritched you behind the ears. Oh yes, everyone loved you but no-one more so than me. I remember the day I bought you home as if it was only the other day and not 1991, or was it 1992? (Forgive me, my memory fails me as in my head you have always been there). I thought I had chosen you, but of course as all good cat owners know, you had in fact, chosen me. I saw you in the pen at the shelter and I remember asking you if you wanted to come home with me. You looked straight up at me with big wide green eyes and simply said a very loud affirmative 'meow'. There was no mistaking your tone and so the following week I bought you home in a cardboard box which you fought to escape from the whole way back. You never did like enclosed spaces.

When we got home you were not so impressed at first. I lived in a first floor flat and you sat at the bottom of the stairs looking suspicious. I sat with you and stroked your head and you hit me. No claws, just a smack. This went on periodically throughout the first day with the periods of stroking getting longer. Sometime that first evening you made the decision to stay. You walked upstairs and came into the lounge. You jumped up onto the arm of the sofa next to me and looked straight at me. I looked straight into your eyes and I knew we had reached an understanding. Thank you for trusting me all these years. It is the greatest compliment to be trusted so completely.

Since that day you followed me around like a puppy, barely leaving my side when I was at home. Even when you went outside you would come back in to check I was still there. I remember you didn't like it when I left the house to go out, or when I went to bed and you would fly at my legs and hold on, sometimes gently biting my ankles or knees. I always told you I would never leave you and I always came back, but still it helped to roll some treats across the floor so that I could retire unmolested. And so our first ritual started which persisted until you left me.

We had many more rituals you and I. Ones that wove themselves into our very existence so quietly that they became natural. There was the licking of the yogurt pot. How you loved anything dairy! I told you it was not good for you but still you loved it so much that I could not deny you a little now and then (you held no truck with that cat milk junk). You would patiently wait until I had finished and then I would ask you what you wanted. You would hold up your little paw (and sometimes dance from paw to paw in excitement) and meowingly ask nicely. You also liked my shoes and at bedtime would wait by my bed for my slippers which you would then lie on and purr while demanding fuss. You would answer to your name and come running when called and knew other human words too.

We have been through a lot together you and I: 3 homes (including 1 relocation to another city), 1 career change, 3 promotions since then (me, not you), 3 relationships (not counting ours), 1 wedding and then ultimately 1 separation and divorce (again, me), 2 teeth removal operations and 2 hospital stays including renal support (you, not me), numerous illness including surgery for fibroids (twice) and my recent thyroid surgery (you were an excellent nurse), 2 post grad qualifications and 1 MBA (me, though I know you helped), 2 family bereavements (human), 1 family estrangement and countless other ups and downs. Thank you for being there and never ever judging me.

You were beautiful, you were special, you were mine and I loved you dearly. Thank you for being my friend and my constant companion all these years. It has been a privilege and I will always treasure the time we had together. You died on 5th May this year. It was windy when I took you to the vets and it seemed that it had come to carry you away. That decision was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it was time. You were tired.I stayed with you right to the end.

Missing you old friend. Rest well.

Bobbing along

2009-05-01T15:46:00.009Z

So..it's been nearly a week since I last blogged but I have a good excuse, honest. Well, actually it's not that great but it's true. Work has been a tad on the busy side and quite a big tad on the stressful side. Change has become de rigour at work but this one is particularly painful as our team is being merged with another and the culture and modus operandi is so different that it's akin to mixing oil and water. Unfortunately the new boss took a JFDI approach to managing the change and now quite a few people are demotivated and disillusioned.

On top of that it is time for the end of year appraisal and I have been trying to write mine, something I always find difficult to do. I want my achievements to be recognised but then I don't want to over do it and give the impression that I can walk on water and do a neat trick with loaves and fishes.

On top of that, I went for my blood test this week and have been informed that I need to have another one in 3 months. Why? Because they are not happy with my thyroid function. Apparently my half a thyroid has not taken over as well as hoped. I told you I felt run down didn't I? This would help explain the uncharacteristic tiredness which is accompanied with bouts of uncharacteristic grouchiness due to feeling tired and having to cope with the hoohar at work.

On top of that I have used all my spare worry time on Bob. Since he came home last week I have kept a close eye on him, but the good news is that he is doing fine on the steroids. In fact, he is quite his old self apart from being very thin (though he eats fine). I took him back to the vets today and we decided to continue with the steroids and see how he goes, though I have been warned once again that this is simply buying some quality of life time. I know this, that is why I have already researched pet cremation places nearby. I don't want to have to deal with finding things when the time comes and this also helps me mentally prepare.

The truth is we don't know how long Bob has left but we will make it as good as possible for him. Bob of course is currently sulking at me for taking him to the V.E.T.S. and he let his opinion be known by throwing up on the way home. Right now, I'm just glad he's doing well, and will take his feedback in my stride. I hope I get better feedback from work next week when I discuss my appraisal. Right now though I'm just looking forward to a nice long bank holiday weekend, with a dash of sun please if that's not too much trouble?

The cat came back

2009-04-25T14:18:00.004Z

The good news is that Bob is back home! My little chap is a fighter and responded well to steroids and I was able to collect him and bring him home late yesterday afternoon. I have to continue with the steroids this week and take him back at the end of next week for another blood test. Fingers crossed that he continues to respond well to the therapy.

I have been warned by the vet that even though Bob is doing so much better, that this is most likely lymphoma and seems to be the beginning of the end. Depending on the progress of the disease, and depending on Bob, he could last a few weeks, maybe shorter, maybe longer. It's hard to tell without invasive tests that I won't put him through. So the plan is to let Bob be my guide. I will respond to his needs and as long as he has quality of life then I will do everything in my power to make sure he is spoilt rotten and comfortable.

We have been together a long time and I know Bob will let me know when it's time. At the moment he is so pleased to be home. He has barely left my side and when I passed by his bed earlier today he was purring in his sleep. I am overjoyed to have him home and so glad that I didn't choose the option that is so final (which I was under pressure to do from a number of sources).

The hardest part of all of this has been having to put up with perhaps well intentioned people imposing their feelings and values on me about how I should feel. I felt like hitting a couple of people, one in particular who told me it must be easier on me as Bob was so old (Not at all, are we less upset when a loved aged relative dies or when a young person dies or is our grief linked to our love of the individual rather than chronological age?). A couple have given me the 'mad cat lady' look (I do know that my cat is not a child, but my compassion and love for something is not limited to things with two legs only) and a couple of people have even questioned my decision to try the steroids. I pose this question to them, how about if someone gave up on you if you became very ill, just because you were old? It made me angry that I was feeling completely devastated by the news and yet it felt like I had to justify my upset. So here it is: I love my cat. We have been together a long time, we have been through a lot. Bob is one in a billion and I am making the most of whatever time we have left together.

Not just a cat

2009-04-22T21:02:00.005Z

My cat Bob, the namesake of this blog, has been my constant companion for around 17 - 18 years. I can't remember exactly how long we have been together without looking at his adoption certificate as it seems like he's always been here. Ever since I bought him home and he decided he would like to stay with me we have been pretty much inseparable (excepting work for me and some naps for him).

My relationship with Bob outlasted my marriage, and in fact Bob was there letting me cry into his fur when it all went horribly wrong. He was there too recently when I had my thyroid surgery and applied the simple therapy he was so good at dispensing, a cuddle. He was also there when I went through hell and anaemia with fibroids three years ago. When I was studying for my MBA he would usually sit with me, and help by wandering across my desk, sitting on my notes and nudging me. I liked it best when he would sit on the windowsill by my right shoulder, making little kitty snoring noises. He was there too when I left the theatre and changed careers, whenI bought my first house and everything else over the years. Bob is not 'just a cat', not to me.

Bob had to go to the vets today. He's been looking very under the weather and I was worried. They kept him in to treat dehydration and do some tests. Turns out Bob most likely has cancer and it is most likely lymphoma. All the signs support the diagnosis. I have been asked to consider my options including... I can't even write it at the moment. I am waiting to see how he does overnight on the rehydration therapy. Steroids are an option but basically will only buy some time. I have been told to not expect much.

Never judge a book by it's cover

2009-04-21T16:20:00.013Z

I don't usually post about things on television or in the media but a friend recently drew the following clip to my attention. It's from a reality talent show here in the UK and has been big news around the world. I thought I would post it here because, a) it's something extraordinary and b) you might be one of a handful of people around the world that hasn't seen it yet. Please click on the You Tube video link to view it before reading further:

You Tube Video

Isn't that something? I worked on Les Mis (or The Glums as it is sometimes called in The Biz) and she easily equaled anyone I saw perform the song. I especially like how she made the audience swallow their sniggers and then to be fair, I love how they gave her a standing ovation for her performance. What a wonderful example of never judging someone by their appearance!

Of course, Susan has been in the limelight ever since. So far over 110 million people have viewed her singing on You Tube and even today the press ran a 'story' where someone had manipulated an image of her to show what a makeover and a bit of cosmetic surgery could do. I don't know what you think but they seem to have made her look like Cherie Blair.

Susan herself has been resistant to a makeover but I must admit I am torn in my opinion (not that it counts as it's her choice!). On the one hand I feel that she should not give in to pressure and change her appearance to fit the accepted view of what people should look like. If she is happy as she is then good for her and tell everyone else where they can stick their mascara brush. However, on the other hand we live in the world we live in. If her dream is to be Elaine Paige (huge star of music and stage) then she perhaps needs to change a little. Showbusiness is a competitive world and sometimes talent alone is not enough. It's a shame but then we live in the world of the size zero model, augmented breasts, polished celebs, Botox, teeth whitening, liposuction, the six pack, the perfect tan, skin creams that fill in your wrinkles or make them disappear altogether, fashion maagzines, make up for the flawless finish and all the other procedures, tonics, lotions and potions that make us all a little less unique and a little more 'perfect'. Hmmm.

More Barcelona pics coming soon :)

Gorgeous Grand Gaudi

2009-04-14T08:29:00.019Z

Sagrada Familia, The Facade of the Nativity ~ Barcelona, April 2009

I have so many photos to share that I took during my recent visit to Barcelona. I haven't even started to edit them yet due to an extensive Spring cleaning project but thought I would share a few with you now.

A visit to Barcelona would not be complete without a visit to one of the most easily recognisable buildings in Europe, the Sagrada Familia. We arrived there early in the morning to find an already sizable queue snaking it's way around the outside of the church, so we decided to walk around outside and return later to go inside. Either side of the Sagrada Familia are two park areas where people sat and took in the sun and the surroundings while some of the locals played Boule under the pink blossom. The first photo was taken from one of these parks. We wandered around, taking in the souvenir stalls and taking photos before heading off elsewhere to return later that day.

When we returned in the evening we were pleased to find that the queue had all but disappeared and so we went inside. I was immediately stuck by two things: the sheer size of the space inside and the amount of scaffolding that filled it! Sagrada Familia has been under construction since 1882 and is probably Gaudi's best known work. Guadi is synonymous with Barcelona and his architecture is unique, being largely inspired by the organic forms found in nature and influenced by Gothic architecture.

Gaudi devoted much of his life to the design and construction of the church until his death in 1926 and only lived to see four of the twelve bell towers on the facade built. Currently, eight of the towers, dedicated to the Apostles, have been built and at 100 metres high they are quite imposing to behold. In addition to these are four belfries awaiting construction which are the Facade of the Glory, a 170 meter central dome dedicated to Christ, the tower of the Virgin Mary (125m) and the tower of the four Evangelists.

Once inside, despite the scaffolding, it was easy to see that the impressive vaults of the main nave were finished, with impressive tall columns which reminded me a little of octopus suckers.

As it was early evening, the sun cast wonderful patterns inside, echoing the shapes of the windows, and it also shone through two stunning stained glass windows, which my photo has not done justice to. It was quite cool and dark inside however, as we queued for the tiny elevator which would take us to the very top of the towers.

The view from the top was nothing short of magnificent! The day was sunny and clear and all of Barcelona lay spread out below me, with the sea on one side and hills on the other. The photo below shows the Agbar Tower which is the third tallest building in Barcelona, standing at 142 meters and stands at the intersection of three major thoroughfares, one of which is the Avenue Diagonal on which our hotel stood.

The photo below shows the Avenue Gaudi stretching off into the distance, flanked by typical buildings in the city.

The photo below looks down on the Placa de Gaudi which is where the beautiful blossom trees were in our morning visit. You can just make them out on the right of the photo.

From the top we could clearly see much of the construction work that was being done as we looked across the nave to the other towers on the opposite facade.

We opted to walk back down the spiral stairs and every now and then there were unglazed openings through which we could peek and see wonderful details like the mosaic effect of the tiles that covered the finials and other architectural details, and are typical of Gaudi. It was a long walk back down increasingly narrow and dark stairs that were open on one side. It felt very claustrophobic and I was alarmed to find my hands sweating and my mouth dry and my breathing turned more to a shallow panting. Claustrophobia runs in my family but I have never experienced it before! I managed to keep my panic under control but have never been so glad to reach the bottom and come back out into the sunshine.

Afterwards, we spent far too much in the souvenir shop and then headed back to the hotel with aching feet before heading out to find somewhere to eat. If you visit Barcelona, then make sure you visit this iconic piece of architecture, even if you choose not to go inside the walk around the outside is a very pleasant way to spend and hour or so and will reward with with a magnificent view of Gaudi's masterpiece.

I will be posting more of my Barcelona photos soon, including pics of La Padrera, Barcelona Zoo, Port Vell and Las Ramblas.

Back again!

2009-04-07T09:11:00.012Z

What can I say? I loved loved LOVED Barcelona! It was a wonderful city awash with history, wonderful architecture, sights and things to do, colourful and vibrant. I was only there for a short time but I saw and did so much! I visited La Pedrera, the Sagrada Familia, Barcelona Zoo, Monjuic castle, Las Ramblas, Port Vell and walked for miles and miles until my feet and legs ached at the end of every day. I also met up with my blog friend, Mar of Maremagnum.

We arranged to meet on my first evening in Barcelona as Mar was heading off on a trip of her own, skiing in France. I had arrived in a rather damp and grey Barcelona and I was tired by the time I got to the hotel. The trip across the city via train and Metro was not as simple as I thought it would be but it was a useful lesson in how the system worked and served me well for the rest of my visit. Once I had freshened up, M and I set off to find La Pedrera, one of the famous Gaudi buildings, which is where we had arranged to meet up with Mar.

It was raining when we got there and La Padrera was surrounded by French school children. I was worried I would miss her in the throng so we stood by the door of the souvenir shop , while Mar waited inside because of the rain. Anyway, she spotted us and it was like meeting an old friend. We went for coffee in a wonderful place nearby that was full of scenes made from chocolate including, quite bizarrely, Sesame Street characters and one based on Japanese architecture, complete with a Samurai warrior that appeared to be executing an Easter chick! Still, it all smelt delicious when we went in and sat drinking coffee while we waited for Mr Mar to finish work. Alas, Mr Mar could not join us but we got a great view of La Pedrera from the office building and it was lovely to meet him. So we went for Tapas with Mar while she waited for Mr Mar to finish, at a wonderful and bustling little Tapas bar where we sampled some tasty Catalan food.

We talked so much and about so many things, from blogging (of course) to our lives, geography (the differences and similarities between things in Spain and the UK) and many other things. The visit was over far too quickly before we had to go our separate ways. It was wonderful meeting Mar. She comes over exactly as she does on her blog. Vivacious, friendly and warm. I liked her very much and I hope we get to meet again one day.

I took over 500 photos while I was in Barcelona and will be posting more about my trip soon.

The storm before the calm

2009-04-01T15:20:00.003Z

I am going to be away on a break for the next few days so I won't be visiting until I return. Right now I am in a frenzy of packing and taking animals to various pet hotels (catterys and lizardary's) and the various other 101 things that need to be done before I can go away and relax.

I am off to Barcelona for a few days and even though the forecast says rain I intend to enjoy myself as much as possible. I have been doing some research and it is a city packed with things to do and see, but of course there is the wonderful Gaudi architecture, Las Ramblas, there is a Castle with a military museum, galleries, a zoo and shops. No matter what the weather I don't think I'm going to be bored!

And the added bonus is that I get to meet a fellow blogger too! I have been reading her blog since I first started blogging nearly 3 years ago (is it really that long ago?!) and I can't wait to meet Mar!

Anyway, be good, feel free to poke around while you're here and visit folks in my side bar. Just don't move the furniture, okay? ;)

See you soon!

Never judge a film by it's poster

2009-03-29T12:20:00.007Z

There have been many films that have surprised me lately. I just love it when you settle down to watch a film and it exceeds all your expectations and you are left entertained and above all have enjoyed the experience of watching it, no matter what the type of film is. Recently 'Body of Lies' was just such a film. It appeared to be just another action movie but it was so much more. Conversely I feel cheated to my very core when I want so very much to enjoy a film, when it's pedigree, it's trailer and everything else lead me to expect it to be good and then the film falls far short of anything resembling what it promised.

I find this most often with so-called 'Blockbuster' films. The ones with the huge budgets, the 'A' list stars and all the CGI wizardry. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull left me cold as the film lurched from improbable event to improbable event, ending in a bizarre alien tornado that barely seemed to be credible and taking in angry jungle animals along the way. It wasn't just the over reliance on CGI effects at the expense of plot, but rather that each turn of the plot relied on something that seemd merely a lazy plot device to progress things. And we were being asked to not just suspend disbelief but to swallow it wholesale. Needless to say I choked.

I'm not just getting at poor old Indy here either. Other films that have had a similar effect on me are, the last two Pirates of the Caribbean films, and Quantum of Solace. As a sequel to the wonderful Casino Royale (IMHO) this was just a total let down. The baddie was weak, as was the Bond girl, the plot barely hung together, the characters were two dimensional and the action sequences were impossible to follow. Eugh. I could just imagine the Producers meeting, akin to the ones on the adverts for a well known mobile phone company:

"Bond is back and this time he has to be bigger and badder"
"I have the perfect idea. Let's have chases on land, sea and in the air! And this time we'll have all that close up shaky camera action too".
"But what about the plot? We don't seem to have much of one here."
"We'll throw in a few huge explosions, some pretty girls and lots of CGI. No-one will notice"

The Producers high five and 'do lunch' while for me at least, the new Bond is completely ruined.

I like films with a well written script and a well thought out plot that hangs together, even if it involves aliens, monsters or heroes. I like real stunts done by talented stunt men. I don't mind CGI when it is used as part of the film, and not almost as an actor itself. Most of all, I do not like to be decieved about what I am going to watch. I do not like to come away from having spent my £7.20 on a ticket feeling like the film makers think their audience are very stupid indeed. I do not appreciate it at all.

Tie One

2009-03-24T21:06:00.003Z

It is customary in the UK for troops returning from conflict to parade through the town where they are based. I was recently appalled by *this story*.

This week, from 24 to 31 March, is 'Yellow Ribbon for the Forces Week' which encourages people to support the British Armed Forces by wearing a yellow ribbon.

It's run by the Yellow Ribbon Foundation, which is an independent, non-political community support organisation for anyone with a British Armed Forces connection and aims to boost the morale of both the serving personnel and their families. Funds are raised from the selling of yellow ribbons which supports charities that have a connection with the Armed Forces. Support is also shown by people in many other ways such as turning a street yellow with ribbons on their front doors or by having a 'Dress Yellow Day' at work or school.

Politics aside, these people serve their country, sometimes in very dangerous and unpleasant conditions. The least we can do is show support as a Nation.

Round Up

2009-03-20T21:04:00.006Z

Great song eh? But more on that later...

It's been a loooooong week. There is much change at work with the team I am in being broken up and various sections being reorganised with sections from other teams. Apparently nothing else much will change which begs the question: then why do it? I believe there are two reasons: the first being that if handled properly there could be advantages in closer working with some other sections and the second that senior management need to earn their keep so occupy themselves with tasks akin to arranging deck chairs on the Titanic. At least that is how it seems sometimes from my lowly position.

It has been an eventful week though and a complete mixed bag the highlights of which I shall list for your amusement and edification and the reason for posting the video will become evident:

All week I have been hounded by someone at work who believes their crisis should also be mine. It got to the point where I was being bombarded with emails and calls and had to put my phone through to voicemail to get some peace (I was not ignoring them and had replied but they wanted a different answer). Ever felt hunted?
The sun has been shining for most of the week and it feels like Spring has sprung with a vengeance! I took my bearded dragons outside to see the sun and they loved it. It really was quite funny to see them as it was the first time they had actually seen the sky!
One of my fish is digging big holes in the aquarium sand and clogging the filter. Yesterday it overflowed and poured all over my sideboard and down over some hardback books. I was not impressed.
The chatterbox at work has held me hostage several times this week. It is my considered opinion that they do not breathe air as they certainly don't stop for it! Today they kept me in conversation for 15 minutes and then announced to me that they were bored! Really?!!!!!
It's Mothers Day this Sunday and I have mine and M's mothers' gifts all sorted and gift wrapped. We have been asked to dinner but...
My parents continue their hamfisted attempts at reconciling myself and my brother. This week they tried emotional blackmail again enquiring which one of us would be attending their funerals. My brother basically will not be in the same place as me and storms out of their house if I so much as ring them while he is there. I love my parents very much but it can be hard to bite my tongue sometimes.
I have been so tired still. I have actually fallen asleep in the afternoons.
I was reminded of the power of smiling. It's something I always try to do anyway, whenever I am dealing with someone but it was so nice to have a smile bestowed on me.
I booked a city break in Barcelona. I go in two weeks and I cannot wait to see this wonderful city. I am also looking forward to meeting up with a fellow blogger who I have long admired.
All I have to do is find someone to look after my lizards. It appears that most people don't like them. It is very ill deserved as they are the sweetest tempered creatures, more harmless than the average hamster.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to this break. I am only going away for 4 days but I have taken a whole two weeks off work to take me over Easter. This way I can truly relax and catch up with some chores around the house and garden without feeling pressure to fit them in around everything else all the time. I so need this time to relax. Other than Christmas it has been well over 18 months since I took more than a week off work. I cannot wait.

Smile...

2009-03-18T18:48:00.008Z

As I entered work today the security guard gave me a big smile, the sort that goes from ear to ear and I returned it. It felt Goooooood! I walked into the offiice and smiled at my boss and colleagues who also smiled. I had a crappy day later on, and just as I was leaving, the same guard was on the gate again and seeing me, he smiled broadly and waved. It instantly made me feel so much better despite the heavy traffic.

It's a simple concept - we all know this, it's not new information but sometimes we need reminding; smile and the whole world smiles with you. My doctor told me that smiling actually lowers your blood pressure too. And what's more it can be proven.

When I was studying for my psychology degree we did a simple experiment linked to body language. We were let loose on the unsuspecting public with one simple order: smile at passers by and record how many smile back. The overwhelming majority smiled back. The second part of the experiment I seem to remember involved following up the smile with a question for directions or asking for direction without smiling first. Of course, more people helped when the apparently hapless lost soul smiled, in fact I got personally escorted across town to the railway station as the person 'was going that way anyway' and had to keep up the pretence by going into the station until the coast was clear.

We also will all have seen those emails that go around telling us it takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown. So...it seems odd that if you look around, almost everyone is almost constantly frowning. Driving, shopping, walking along the street, in the supermarket, at work... almost everywhere are people who seem weighed down by their own existence and the trials and tribulations of life.

So smile, even if you don't feel like it. You will feel better and once someone returns that smile, you'll feel better still, and so will they. I did :)

To market, to market...

2009-03-14T20:42:00.013Z

Market Wares ~ All Photos Courtesy of the TORM Website

The weekend came at last after the longest week. It has been very subdued in the office since the death of 'C'. On Friday I signed the book of condolence which will be given to his parents. I hope it brings them some comfort in time to know how much his friends at work truly liked and appreciated him.

Nevertheless, I was glad when the weekend arrived and I could take some time away from the office. I was very much in need of some R&R and so we headed to a market. Not just any old market but The Original Re-enators Market or TORM.

TORM is a twice yearly event where traders from all over the UK and parts of Europe gather to sell their items to historical re-enactors and other interested people, like me. Myself, M and his brother went as there are usually armourers there and it's a handy place to see, handle and perhaps purchase new weapons and armour for our Historical European Martial Arts Club.

The market is quite a time travel experience. as you meander from stall to stall you pass Vikings, WWI memorabilia and all periods in between. All the items for sale are made traditionally. There is glassware, pottery, leather goods, jewellery, armour and weapons, woodwork, furs, musical instruments and even food! I treated myself to some very nice fudge.

We bought a couple of bucklers (small shields) for the club and I also bought a gorgeous pendant made from silver with a green and orange tear drop stone set in it. We also bumped into a few people we know from other clubs and from our own and whiled away a few hours before heading home. All in all, it was a good day. Just what the doctor ordered.

Bad news, bad day, bad luck

2009-03-10T19:04:00.005Z

When you go to work on a Monday morning you do not expect to be met with bad news. Even so I found myself listening as a colleague explained that another colleague 'C' had been involved in a serious car accident and was in hospital with head injuries and multiple fractures. Apparently his car came off the road and hit a tree in foul weather. He was sedated after a 4 hour operation so we all rallied around and sent a card, thinking it would be nice for it to be there when he woke up.

When you go to work on a Tuesday morning you do not expect to be met with bad news. Even so I found myself listening as a colleague explained that C had been pronounced brain dead and taken off the ventilator. It is thought that it is only a matter of time before he stops breathing. It took me right back to when my niece was hit by a car and died of head injuries. I remember waiting at the hospital...

I first met C when I joined the present team at work. He was friendly, approachable and was happy to show me the ropes. He put up with my endless stupid questions with good humour, enjoyed a good joke, was witty and clever and was a genuinely nice guy. We weren't close but I counted him as a work friend. The news has been a shock.

A new member of the team asked if C had children. When told that he did not, he answered 'Oh, that's not so bad then'. I was angry though I held my tongue. I take the point that there are no children involved who will grow up without their dad but there are his parents, family and friends who will miss him terribly. A person is far more than their ability to be a parent and their worth to this world should not be confined to one such aspect.

C is just 36 years old. My thoughts are with his family.

Update: C has passed away in hospital. The police are appealing for witnesses to the accident.

Things that make me go 'Argh!'

2009-03-07T21:13:00.008Z

Orangutan ~ Vienna Zoo (Sept. 2007)

It's been a very hard week. Attending a 3 day course meant that my working week was effectively compressed into 2 days. Add into the mix the fact that we have 2 new people in the team, both of which need help and guidance (understandably) and one of which could get gold in the Olympics for 'talking', then available time is compressed even further. Sure, there are some things that didn't get done and are on the list to do next week, but some things had to be done and being talked at for what seems like hours didn't help much.

It's okay though, as the other party in the Olympic talking competition, all you have to do is stand there; you are not required to take part but 'uming' and resisting the urge to either nod off or gnaw your right foot off in desperation are appreciated it seems. I tried to extricate myself several times with hints at my work load, pointed looks at my watch and then phrases such as "I must get on' to little avail. I think I'm just a trifle irritable because I'm tired, but honestly, I am going to have to work out how to escape this person lest I throttle them. Like I said, I'm a tad irritable...

Have you noticed how things can really irritate you when you're tired? Well, I find they always have the potential to irritate me but that I am less able to shrug them off when tired. We all have silly things that can drive us a bit loopy. The ones I have noticed this week are:

Crooked pictures
People pronouncing the letter 'h' as 'haitch' and not 'aitch'
Jane Horrocks' voice on the Tesco adverts
People who stop at the top of escalators and in shop doorways
Being held hostage in conversations and not being able to get a word in edge ways
Not being able to find things
Motorists not using their indicators
Motorists not using lanes properly
Feeling tired

I am feeling pretty tired quite a bit lately. I think some of it can be attributed to work but not all. I have to go back for a blood test soon to check my thyroxine levels after my thyroid surgery in January (I am on no medication for this at the moment as it is expected that remaining bit of thyroid will compensate). I think they may be down a little as the tiredness is not a good tired from being productive but rather an inner exhaustion or lethargy. It does not feel good. Here's hoping a restful weekend will restore my equilibrium a bit before next weeks onslaught and the big presentation for our new Team Leader that I have to help prepare and give. Wish me luck.

Einstein a go go

2009-03-03T17:31:00.006Z

I thought I would share something I rediscovered this week. Something that is guaranteed to reduce stress and it's so easy to do.

I was not best pleased last week when I found that major road works were starting just outside my work place. They are unavoidable and will take about 6 months to complete. I mostly work flexi hours so not too much trouble most of the time as I can miss most of the worst commuter traffic and hence my involvement in en masse queuing is minimised. Except that this week I am on a Systems Engineering course which is forcing me to join the other commuter lemmings due to it's start and finish times. Lovely. Life is far too short to spend in traffic jams. Even with your new CD playing and sending out happy vibes that make you sing along and experience quizzical looks from other drivers.

Anyway, like a good project manager I planned ahead and allowed more time for my journey. A lot more time which was just as well as it took me 3 times the amount of time for my journey. But here's the thing. I did not freak out. I did not get anxious. I did not rant at the other traffic. I just sang along to my CD making a complete arse of myself and I didn't care because I had time. Voila! Just like that I had rediscovered something I already knew. Allow enough time to do the task and then a little bit on top.

It's amazing how less stressed I felt! By allowing myself time I took the pressure off. By taking the pressure off, I was less stressed. As I was less stressed I relaxed and even enjoyed my journey into work. Because I was relaxed I didn't get all ranty when the other drivers wouldn't let me over, I didn't get ranty when someone cut me up and didn't indicate, I could afford to let other people out of junctions because I didn't feel time was against me and I gave some people a good laugh watching me sing. Simple.

I think it can be easy to put undue pressure on ourselves in this fast paced high pressure environment most of us live in. There is always lots to do and never enough time to do it. The thing is though, that by taking the pressure off myself at the start of the day I arrive at work in a better frame of mind, the rest of the day just flows better and somehow I have more time. Einstein was right, time is relative after all! I know this is overly simplistic and it's not always possible to build in more time. Sometimes things work against us. But the nice thing is that I expected this week to be a nightmare seeing as I had to navigate the roadworks at the worse possible time, and I have been pleasantly surprised. Now, how often does that happen?

Sitrep

2009-02-27T20:17:00.007Z

So, it's the weekend again... which is odd as the last one has only just finished. Or at least it feels that way as this week has been so busy and has flown past. I have been so tired in the evening that I haven't been online much and didn't even manage to muster up enough energy to make pancakes on Shrove Tuesday. Anyway, it's Friday at last and so far I appear to have been glued to the sofa. It's just so comfy and I'm sooooo tired. I can just about muster up enough energy to give anyone that may be reading this and is interested a small window into my week:

Dessie, my bearded dragon is hardly eating so I took her to the vet. It appears the cold snap we had has meant that she is partially brummating (kind of like hibernating without the deep long sleep). I have to give her vitamin baths and take some steps to help her think it's spring.
The vet did say Dessie is a beautiful beardie, which of course she is. The markings on her back are gorgeous! I will have to take some photos.
Bob the cat saw to it that I did not get a good nights sleep on Wednesday and that I was woken up on Thursday in the wee hours. I love him very much but was quite willing to throttle him. he has taken to yelling at the top of his lungs from time to time. Not so bad in the day, but around 3am it is not so welcome. Or at 4am.
Work has been very busy. I launched a new initiative at work which is a 'surgery' where project teams can come and get advice on certain issues. I got great feedback from those that attended.
I also ended up compiling a report at short notice, but made the deadline.
Today, I ended up helping the boss map out our tasks and outputs against our customers as part of the input to our team restructuring. Yet another last minute request. It's a time of great change.
Yesterday I was so tired I had take away Chinese food as I couldn't face cooking.
I also fell asleep on the sofa and woke up an hour later with Dessie asleep on my neck and Bob asleep on my hip.
I seem to be tired a lot these days and wonder if it has something to do with my recent thyroid lobectomy.
I am off tomorrow to a 'Living History' fair. It's a market where you can buy traditional leather, glass and wood craft items as well as traditional clothing and assorted traditional weapons for history re-enactors. There is usually a wonderful jewellery stand there too.
I am also going to buy a new fish this weekend as my poor male Apistogramma Cacatuoides suddenly took ill and died recently. I tried treating the tank but without any obvious outward signs of illness it was hard to know what to do. The other fish are fine happily.
I lost a Follower from my blog. I know who it was and I think I know what it relates to but I cannot for the life of me think why. I always respect other people's view even if I have a different one and treat my blog friends with the respect they deserve so I am at a complete loss over this. Perhaps I just wasn't interesting enough?
I badly need a break so I am hopefully going to be booking a short break away this weekend for March. More on that once it's booked.

That's about it for this week. I am trying to get round to people's blogs to say hi. Bear with me. I am feeling quite exhausted. In the meantime why not pop by Netchicks' Blog and take part in the Meet & Greet? It's a great way of meeting new bloggers :)

Shrove Tuesday

2009-02-24T18:24:00.006Z

Today is Pancake Day in the UK otherwise known as Shrove Tuesday, which is the day before Ash Wednesday and therefore the day before Lent begins. It is the one day of the year where it is obligatory to eat pancakes and therefore they have no calories. Or at least that's what I like to believe!

Pancakes are eaten on this day as Lent is a period of fasting, during which only the plainest foodstuffs may be eaten. Therefore traditionally, rich ingredients such as eggs, milk, sugar and flour are eaten immediately prior to the commencement of the fast and pancakes and doughnuts were a great way of using up these things. The word shrove is a past tense of the English verb "shrive," which means to confess and therefore Shrove Tuesday gets its name from the shriving (confession) that took place immediately before Lent and is not an old English word for pancake as someone once tried to convince me! Note, just because someone speaks with authority does not necessarily mean they know what they are talking about!

I like my pancakes with lemon juice and sugar and I promise faithfully that I will then give them up for Lent. After all, they get their calories back tomorrow!

Forty Questions

2009-02-19T18:48:00.007Z

I have been remiss. Nikki-Ann over at Notes of Life tagged me to do a meme some time ago but I haven't got round to doing it until now. It's a basic Q&A meme, which turned out to be quite amusing to do despite one or two of the questions being a little strange. We start off with smelly cheese and travel through guns, fizzy pop, sheets, pirates, Christmas songs, items of clothing, drink and end on funerals. How about that for a mixed bag?

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Only if it's not bright blue all over.

2. Have you ever done something you regretted?
Far too many. I am human!

3. Do you own a gun?
I'm British so this is a weird question. I'm not a gangsta rappa!

4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?
Don't have this in the UK but I liked Cherryade as a kid. I like Lilt now and diet coke or tonic are my mixers of choice.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Anything medical gives me the heebie jeebies. After all, you're not there on the whole because everything is fine.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they should lie in the shade!

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Die Hard or Scrooged.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water or juice.

9. Can you do push ups?
Kinda.

10. Favorite hobby?
Photography and Western Martial Arts.

11. Do you have A.D.D.?
No. But I think far too many people are diagnosed with it these days.

12. What’s one trait you hate about yourself?
I find it hard to ask for help.

13. Middle name?
Yes.

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
I don't know what to write; I'm tired; I'm hungry!

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly have?
Water, Coffee and Wine (not all together).

16. Current hate right now?
Poor manners. Always poor manners.

17. Favorite place to be?
In my head.

18. How did you bring in the New Year?
I was at home watching a film and having a nice glass of sparkling wine.

19. A place you would like to go?
Too many to mention!

20. Name three people who will complete this:
I don't like to tag but if anyone reading wants to do this then please feel free and let me know in the comments.

21. Do you have slippers?
Yes. Furry and warm.

22. What shirt are you wearing?
I'm not. I'm wearing a plain black long sleeved T-shirt.

23. Do you like sleeping on satin?
No.

24. Can you whistle?
Nope, much to my chagrin. I tried so hard as a child. I had loads of people try and teach me but I. Just. Can't. Do. It.

25. Would you be a pirate?
Definitely! A kind of Robin Hood type.

26. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever is in my head at the time.

27. Favorite girl’s name(s)?
My own.

28. What’s in your pocket right now?
Nothing.

29. Last thing that made you laugh?
Can't remember, I laugh a lot.

30. Favourite bed sheets as a child?
This is a really odd question to me. I didn't have any favourites, I just had cotton sheets.

31. Worst injury ever?
I broke both bones in my lower leg as a toddler.

32. Do you like where you live?
It's okay.

33. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Two.

34. Who is your loudest friend?
You want a decibel reading?

35. How many dogs do you have?
A small stuffed fluffy one but no real ones.

36. Does someone have a crush on you?
Doubt it but how would I know?

37. What is your favorite book?
Lord of the Rings or Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

38. What is your favorite candy?
We don't call it candy in the UK but it has to be chocolate, the really good stuff.

39. Favorite Sports Team?
Don't have one. I would rather participate than watch others do things.

40. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Wonderful World.

Hope you enjoyed reading. Let me know if you do this one and I'll pop by :)

Sixth of Sixth

2009-02-15T11:18:00.008Z

I have been tagged by Pink Dogwood over at Wandering Mind to share a picture and talk about it.

Specifically I have to locate the sixth picture in my sixth folder and talk about it. Not in a descriptive sort of way, but what it means to me, why I took this picture and why I kept it.

The way my photos are grouped at the moment meant that this one of Times Square in New York is the sixth photo in the sixth group of photos (I use iPhoto so my pics are grouped).

I had long wanted to visit New York. It is a city I had seen so much of and heard so much about without ever setting foot in it. It is in so many TV programmes and films that you can't help but feel you know the place. I had to see for myself though. I wanted to look out of my hotel room at night and see if the city did sleep and if it really is like it is in the movies.

One of the first places I visited after checking into my hotel was Times Square. It was early evening in November and I couldn't wait to explore despite being tired and hungry. So off I went in search of food and I found it along with bright lights and flashing adverts and people and yellow cabs and noise and bustle and music. I couldn't believe I was actually there. I took a few pics and then found coffee and food before heading back to my hotel where I also took in Grand Central Station and a fine view of the Empire State Building. I was actually in New York. Wow.

I would love it if some of my blog friends could do this fun little meme. It can be a nice quick one to do! I therefore break my 'no tagging' rule and tag:

Melody of 'Biglittlesister'
Diane of 'Forks of the Moment'
Randall of 'Musings from the Hinterland'
Kenju of 'Imagine...'
Rashbre of 'Rasbre Central'
and Nikki-Ann of 'Notes of Life'

Don't feel you have to though. If anyone else wants to do this then I'd love to see what you post!

Wit and Wisdom

2009-02-10T17:33:00.008Z

When I am at work I am never, ever in any doubt as to what day it is. It simply isn’t possible with 3 calendars and a diary. I use my diary for all appointments. It is the single place where my daily schedule resides along with future appointments and significant dates. The other calendars are around or on my desk and are gifts.

I have one which was a lovely gift from Naomi of ‘Here in the Hills’. It features photos of many bird visitors to her wonderful garden and others that she has encountered in one way or another. Even on the greyest day it brightens up my little area of the office. I have another which is purely functional. It tells me the day, month year, date. That is it. The third was another gift for Christmas and is a mini page a day calendar which divulges the wit and wisdom of women. Each day there is a new quote from a noted female and they are not all about hair, clothes, shoes, handbags and babies. In fact that vast majority blow that stereotype clean out of the water. I thought I would share a few quotes that have struck a chord or made me smile here:

Whatever you want in life, other people are going to want it too. Believe in yourself enough to accept the idea that you have an equal right to it ~ Diane Sawyer

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all ~ Helen Rowland

What the vast majority of American children need is to stop being pampered, stop being indulged, stop being chauffeured, stop being catered to ~ Ann Landers

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much ~ Mother Teresa

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I think Housework is the reason most women go to the office ~ Heloise Cruse

We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow ~ Mary Ann Radmacher.

I kept the page this last quote was printed on and pinned it next to my desk. It reminds me to cut myself some slack on those days where I fall short of my high expectations of myself.

Here We Snow Again

2009-02-06T13:57:00.011Z

Well, no sooner had the snow that had fallen at the end of the week melted, than the world where I live was painted white again. And this time there was more than before. I love it when I wake up and look out of the window to see the street where I live has been transformed into a winter wonderland. Everyday things look so pretty when covered in snow.

Of course big kid that I am, I had to go out in it and take some photos despite the lack of sun and threat of more snow (which came again the next night!). I just love the crunch of snow beneath my feet as I sink through the layers of freshly fallen fat flakes.

Of course, the flip side of the coin is how disruptive the snow has been here. As we get snow so infrequently (and when it does come it usually thaws the same day) we are often ill prepared to handle it. My little car is real wheel drive and so it likes to slip and slide around in the ice given half a chance, even when I weigh the boot down.

Our side roads have largely remained ungritted (as the UK is running short already) and so only main routes are passable, schools are closed, the mail hasn't been delivered for two days, public transport is cancelled or delayed, my rubbish bin remains unemptied, I have been working from home and my social plans have had to be cancelled.

And yet, I am still happy to see the snow. I think it must be the novelty of it all. Even though I have to go out and clear my drive. The photos here were all taken in my back garden. I think even my rusty old wheel barrow looks good with a dusting of snow! I thought about making a snow man but couldn't bring myself to disturb the perfectly smooth white blanket draped across my garden. It will rain later today and it will all melt away. I am glad I got to take some photos. Apparently this is the most snow we have had in this part of the country for 20 years!

Snow today, gone tomorrow

2009-02-03T17:21:00.008Z

I am always inordinately jealous of those of you who live in countries that have real winters. With snow. Lots of gorgeous white fluffy magical flakes of snow that crunch beneath your feet. Snow that is abundant and perfect for tobogganing, skiing and snowman building. Here in the southern parts of the UK we usually get freezing rain, sleet at best. It's wet, cold and miserable and totally unsuitable for making snowballs. Yesterday however, we had snow, direct from Siberia. Sent from Russia with love.

Unfortunately it was all too transient. The world as far as I could see was white for less than 48 hours and there wasn't enough even for a snowman, let alone winter sports. I had to go out in it though and I couldn't help taking a couple of photos to capture it. The top one is off the snow falling in my back garden. Big fat flakes swirling around in front of my garden shed. The last two are of snow on a couple of my garden plants. If you look very closely you can even see a star shaped snow flake right in the middle of the second photo. I love that.

Today the sun came out and the snow melted away until only patches are left in shadowy corners of my garden. I enjoyed it immensely though, even the coldness of it all. It's an odd thing to say, but I am so glad we are having a proper winter this year. The constant rain and greyness of the last two years (summer too, just warmer rain) has really been miserable. Here's to a proper summer too.

I heart my Macbook

2009-02-01T13:32:00.007Z

I had had enough. It had let me down for the last time and so I traded it in for a better model. Sleeker, whiter, faster, cooler and most importantly it worked. Yep, I traded my Windows based laptop in for a Macbook and I couldn't be happier with my decision. In fact, I wonder why I didn't do it earlier.

My laptop with Vista has been the root of all my frustration, annoyance and the cause of my need for anger management. The number of times I have just wanted to chuck the darn thing out of the window! Vista is just too slow and buggy. Fun little things I had to deal with were; the cursor regularly freezing, the screen not coming back after snoozing and the keypad not working after snoozing along with a multitude of other little annoyances. I thought about re-installing XP and getting a bigger battery but in the end I realised I wanted something quicker, more reliable and Macbooks also have iPhoto which is a much better system for dealing with digital photos IMHO. It's 13" screen has great clarity and colour and it's the right size for my lap (whereas my other laptop was a little large). The battery lasts for over 3 hours and I love it.

I can feel my stress levels decreasing already and using my computer is a pleasant experience. Time to take a relaxing moment with a cup of tea and visit some blog friends methinks! Afterall, I won't be going out much for the next few days with this Siberian weather front bringing icy temperatures and snow.

The Best News!

2009-01-28T14:56:00.002Z

I am not going to beat around the bush or draw this out. I have just got back from seeing the consultant at the hospital and I have been given the best news! My thyroid tumour was a benign Hector! This means no more surgery and no nasty treatments!

I was so pleased when I received the news I could have hugged the humourless consultant. My joy must have been catching as he even broke into a smile. I cannot begin to describe the absolute relief I am feeling right now. It has been very stressful living with the thought that I might have had cancer, although at other times I have been so full of the hope that it would be benign. My hope has been realised and I am so happy! :)

Thank you so much to everyone that has left supportive comments, prayed or sent positive vibes. I have appreciated them so much. Right now I am off to get on with the rest of my life without the weight of Hector hanging over me.

The Waiting Game

2009-01-23T20:06:00.008Z

I've never been very good at waiting. It's not that I'm impatient. When something is worth it I can be very patient. I worked five years for my Masters degree, I can save for things I want rather than use credit, I have coached staff, I can leave presents unopened until Christmas and birthday mornings. So I guess it's just that I'm no good at waiting when waiting leaves me in the "Great Wide Unknown".

When faced with uncertainty therefore, I hate waiting. I get frustrated. I hope for the best, imagine the worst and vacillate between accepting my fate (whatever it turns out to be) and railing against the gods. The various roads that could play out lay before me and I mentally travel each one, trying them on for size but knowing that only one of them is the road of my future. In short, in times of quiet, when my mind is meant to be resting (like when I wake at night or have some idle moments to spare) it is rushing around trying to remove the uncertainty and hasten time to no avail.

I see these potential paths before me now. The one to the left is marked 'Benign Tumour Ave' while the one on the right is labelled 'Suspicious Hector Boulevard'. This road is far more treacherous and has various branches where there might be more surgery, there might be radio-isotope therapy, there might be hormone replacement therapy, there might be complications, there might be time off work and... there are too many 'mights'. 'The Great Wide Unknown' is a noisy junction in which I currently feel immobilised. It is not up to me which path I tread.

Most of the time I am fine. It's just the waiting sometimes. I see the consultant this week coming. Then I will know which way I am going. Best foot forward...

If you are here for Camera Critters, then please visit my photo blog by clicking on the photo in the side bar or *here*.

New Year Freeze

2009-01-20T11:57:00.009Z

New Years Day was cold. Very cold. However, a hazy sun was making a valiant attempt to break though the cloud and through a little warmth our way so we decided to go for a walk. We settled on climbing up the Sugar Loaf Mountain near Abergavenny in Wales and so off we set. The Sugar Loaf isn't particularly big, being a mere 598 metrs high but is a popular destination for hill walkers.

As we neared Abergavenny the sun became fainter and we noticed that the frost was thicker on the ground and the freezing fog grew thicker. Unperturbed we carried on as we had stout hiking boots, thick warm sock, warm coats, hats and gloves and so we set off from the car.

The Sugarloaf is a gentle walk at first, starting out flat and rising in 2 stages. The first two being more gentle than the last rocky ascent to the summit. We thought we might see few other people but there were quite a few folks as mad as us, out for a climb and to wear away the excesses of Christmas. It wasn't long before our cheeks and noses started to go numb and I was glad of our warm gear. When we reached the top, the view was simply fog and the rocky hillside that sloped away from us into foggy nothingness. By now my hair had frozen and my jacket was also covered in frost. I didn't care though. I was thrilled to have reached the top but didn't linger long before starting to descend. It was too cold!

Everywhere around me was frozen and beautiful and as it wasn't snow, everything still kept it's form. I had my mobile phone with me and couldn't resist taking a few photos. As we descended it got colder as the sun (out there somewhere) started to finish it's own trek across the sky and the light became weaker. We got back to the car park in good time and never, have I been more in need of a hot drink. I literally needed to defrost! We went home pleased with our days exertions where I made hot chocolate and appreciated the comfy sofa more than ever.

'D' meme

2009-01-16T20:41:00.030Z

Todays post is bought to you by the letter 'D'. I always quite liked word games and word play, and while this isn't strictly either it is a meme based on words, based on an assigned letter. I happened across it on one of my regular jaunts to 'Imagine' where the delightful Kenju had just been assigned the task of completing this meme using the letter 'M'. It's deliciously simple too. If you would like to play along simply ask me for a letter and then list as many or few words starting with that letter that mean something to you and say why.

Kenju gave me 'D' which perplexed me at first. A lot of words beginning with 'D' have negative connotations. Flicking through my dictionary it was all 'dis' this and 'dis' that. I was at first a little dismayed and disillusioned (see what I mean?) but only for a split second as I love a challenge. Heck, if it was easy there would be no fun. This is what I came up with:

December ~ This is a month I always love. I always had wonderful Christmas's as a child and the joy and warmth of them has always stayed with me. I love giving gifts, and of course receiving them. I love the whole anticipation of the advent period. People are perhaps a little nicer to each other and I just wish this goodwill could last all year (yes, I can be so naive). Is it really that hard to say please and thank you and to hold a door for someone the rest of the year too?

Degree ~ I have one! In fact I have two as I got my Masters Degree too. My first degree was a BSc in Psychology and I swore at the time that that was it for me and exams, then five years ago I started studying part-time for my MBA. I passed it last year and because of all the crap going on in my life it is only just coming home to me now that I did it. I guess I needed space in my head to notice my achievement (if that makes any sense). I actually attend my graduation ceremony this May. Why shouldn't I have a bit of pomp and ceremony?

Demonstrative ~ Something I'm not unless I know you well. I know I'm European but we don't all go round kissing each others cheeks. I'm British don'tcha know thankyouverymuch. I have also never been one for grand gestures either. It's the little things in life that count to me. Letting someone know they are appreciated, saying thank you, sending a cheer up text when you know someone is down, a genuine offer of help, a compliment, a phone call or email, a card on someone's birthday or just taking the time to listen to someone. These are all things I appreciate and which I try to bestow on those I love. I can do the grand gestures too, the big presents etc. but for me at least, it's the little things that say 'I care'.

Doctor ~ I've seen a lot of these over the last 3 years. First I had Fibroids which I needed surgery for (twice) and lately I have had thyroid surgery. Add into the mix three chest infections this last year (one bout I got a secondary infection and it lasted 6 weeks!) then I should have frequent flyer miles. Needless to say, I'm hoping my future will involve far less doctors than of late, though first I have to find out what Hector (the thyroid lump) was and if I need more treatment.

Diet ~ Something I was constantly on from my mid teens all the way through my twenties. Dieting formed an unhealthy relationship with food and since then I have come to understand that it's more important to eat properly and to exercise.

Divorce ~ A very messy time of my life which left me hurt and bewildered. I still don't know how you can be with someone for 14 years and not know how awful they can be. Divorce is far more than the break-up of a marriage and the division of assets. It's about loss. The loss of things you previously believed in, the loss of your stability and security and the loss of friends. It's also about a new beginning though.

Doll ~ I Hated them! I was (apparently, as I do not recall) bought a beautiful doll for Christmas when I was about 2 years old by an aunt. To this aunts horror, I unwrapped the gift, opened the box and grasping the doll by the leg, flung it over my shoulder and proceeded to play with the box it came in until it fell apart. I never caught the Barbie bug and much preferred my Lego, or to draw, paint and read. I loved my Teddy though.

Donate ~ I'm not one to harp on about what I do for charitable causes. There are many people out there who do far more than me but I like to think I do my bit. I have long supported some charitable causes of my choice through regular donations via direct debit. They can always count on my money turning up every month which (along with other donations) helps them plan projects far more effectively. I also support Operation Christmas Child which sends shoe boxes full of small gifts to underprivileged children. I co-ordinate this for the team at work and this last Christmas we sent 28 boxes. It feels good to help.

Drama ~ Throughout my twenties I worked in the theatre business doing Stage Management and Lighting (and some Sound). It was without a shadow of a doubt the best of times and the worse of times. I started by doing voluntary work with a Youth Music Theatre group and ended up getting my Equity card. My first show was 'Maggie May' by Lionel Bart and my first professional show was 'Singing in the Rain'. Since then I have toured and worked such wonderful shows as 'Fame', 'Les Mis', 'Phantom of the Opera', 'Buddy', 'Evita', many operas and ballets and so many more. It opened me up to many things I would never have otherwise seen, both on stage and off!

And finally:

Discombobulate ~ A state I sometimes find myself in and a favourite word of mine.

I am now Done! If you would like to have a go simply tell me in the comments and I will assign you a letter (or you could pick a letter yourself but blogging is all about the interaction for me). Easy peasy lemon squeazy right?

Health update: I will be back at work on Monday but have arranged to do shorter days building up to full days with some working from home. The wound is healing nicely :) Thanks again for all the well wishes. I really have appreciated your thoughts. Thank you.

If you are here for Camera Critters, then please visit my photo blog by clicking on the photo in the side bar or *here*.

Scar Neck

2009-01-15T08:13:00.008Z

The staples come out today (Thurs), hoorah! I really cannot wait. They are getting quite sore now and I am sure it's because my body is rejecting them and wants them out as much as the rest of me.

It will be so nice to move my head properly again as the staples pull when I move it. In fact, it will be nice to move my whole body properly again. You don't realise how much you use parts of your body until you can't any more. Simple things like sitting up and turning over in bed have become quite awkward because I haven't been able to twist my neck. Thank goodness my tummy muscles have been strong enough to compensate!

Still, I am on the mend nicely but have been oh so sleepy! I have never napped so much in my life and apparently it's due to the pain killers and the vestiges of the general anaesthetic in my system. I have spent my time dozing on the sofa with films playing. Never have I watched so many half films but on the whole I have seen them before and most favourites I can pick up and put down again like a much loved book and know exactly where I am.

Anyway, I will post a pic later of how my neck looks once it's destapled! I'm not looking forward to the process but I am looking forward to being staple free!

Update: I have now dispensed with my retro punk look, however there is no pic as promised as I have a dressing on for the next 48 hours to protect the wound. It didn't hurt too much at all, and I only felt discomfort on one or two. I'm a little sore right now but the nurse assured me that I was healing nicely and didn't think the scar would be too bad. Fingers crossed.

I also have my next appointment with my consultant now to get the path lab results. I find out exactly what Hector was on 28th January. Fingers crossed for that too. I really don't want to have to go through this again any time soon.

Hector has left the building

2009-01-11T18:26:00.009Z

I'm back. I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm drugged up to the eyeballs, but above all my consultant assured me that the surgery went well and that is excellent news. Hector has been evicted.

I have been so out of things (generally dozy, nauseous and dizzy) that I haven't done much but nap. This afternoon is the first time I have felt up to going online so thanks to those of you who have stopped by and let me know you are thinking of me. I really appreciate it.

I currently resemble the sister to Frankenstein's monster as you can see from the photo (don't look if you're squeamish). Think I'm going to have to get some scarves to wear when I'm out and about (when I'm up to it). The staples come out at the end of the week and I get the results from the path report in a couple of weeks. Right now, just this bit of typing has worn me out so I need to lie down. Thanks for stopping by.

Touched

2009-01-06T17:51:00.005Z

January the 9th is rushing towards me like an out-of-control train. This Friday I go into hospital and Hector (the thyroid lump) is evicted for good, which is a good thing. The fact that this involves invasive surgery and a short stay in hospital is not so good. I am in fact dreading it and I feel a right wimp as people go through far worse than this. But here's the thing, this is happening to me. I have to go through this and I do not like the prospect one little bit. As I said to my humourless consultant 'Do I really have to be there?'

The weird thing is, that as much as I am not relishing the surgery and going under anaesthetic and spending a day or so with a drain in my neck (due to post op bleeding) I am dreading the whole staying in hospital thing so much more. I do not like anything medical and hate hospitals. I am a very private person and the thought of spending time in a ward with strangers is filling me with dread. I am also a light sleeper and so I have been looking for a way to make the unpleasant a little more bearable.

Enter the iPod Touch. I have just treated myself to one of these little gadgets and it is way cooler than I ever will be. I have loaded some films onto it and some music as well as games and have an immediate entertain-Bobkat-during-her-stay-in-hospital kit. The beauty of it is that I can shut out things around me as much as possible with a pair of earphones and if the person in the bed next to me snores I can simply pop them on and drift off.

This will be my last post before I go into hospital as I have lots to do around the home and at work before I go in, so wish me luck. Thanks to everyone who has left supportive comments, offered well wishes or said prayers for me. I have been touched and appreciate each and everyone from the heart of my bottom (or perhaps that should that be the bottom of my heart!). I will post as soon as I am back home and let you all know that the waiting is so much worse than the actual event. Fingers crossed!

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T00:06:00.005Z

January is named after the god 'Janus' who had two faces and could look forward to the new year and back on the old one. Once more I find that I will be glad to see the back of this last year. It has been a year of ups and downs and for a time there I wondered if I would ever get through it. Like everything though, 2008 too, has passed and like a shares chart (and unlike our economy) I find my stock rising after one of my lowest ebbs.

At the start of the year (and for a good few months) I was dealing with the emotional fallout of the preceding year. Looking back I now realise how emotionally drained I was and I honestly do not know how I didn't have some sort of breakdown and quite frankly I think the old joke is true: I just didn't have the time or the energy to have one. My relationship with my family is still distant and I am still persona non grata with my brother (and that suits me fine actually as I have come to realise that I actually do not like him). 2008 has been a period of time where I have been deep in review and have examined many things that I once held true. I have changed the things I could not accept and accepted the things I could not change. It has been a long road but I have travelled it and I am STILL here.

I could not accept the stress of my last job (sabotage of my projects, covering for my boss who was off ill with no support, long hours etc.) and so I dug my escape tunnel and changed jobs in July, and hell I even got promoted. I also got my MBA Masters Degree after 5 years of studying. I have come to accept the situation with my family and the things that happened in 2007 (so much loss, so much meanness, so much pain). I have come to accept that I cannot change the way they behave and so I have healed relationships with all but my brother who refuses to behave reasonably. I accept this too though I do not like it. With acceptance has come the first feeling of inner peace I have felt in a very long time.

I already know that 2009 is going to initially bring me something unpleasant in the shape of surgery (9th Jan), but that will be the end of Hector (my thyroid lump) and I am hoping for good news once the test report comes back from the path lab. I will also celebrate a milestone birthday and rather than dreading it, I intend to celebrate with a big holiday somewhere. The rest of it I will make up as I go along and I hope to be better equipped to cope with anything else that is thrown at me. I am certainly stronger a year on than I was at the start of the year.

I am sincerely optimistic that 2009 will be a kinder year and that my stock will continue to rise. I do not make New Year resolutions but, like Janus I do face the coming year with hope and the resolve to put 2008 behind me where it belongs. I wish all of you a prosperous New Year, filled with health, wealth and happiness, especially for those of you whom I know have also had difficult times. I wish it for myself too.

On the First Day of Christmas...

2008-12-27T19:26:00.010Z

...the NHS did give to me, an appointment for surgery.

This wasn't exactly what I was hoping for and it wasn't on my list to Santa, but on Christmas Eve I received notice that I am to go into hospital for surgery to remove Hector (my lump) and half my thyroid where it resides. As experience days go I do not think it will catch on as a gift idea somehow:

Congratulations!
You have been given an all expenses paid trip to hospital.
Your experience day will start at 7.30am prompt where you will be assigned to your ward, and includes an overnight stay in one of our beds. You will receive one surgical procedure and path lab report and the anaesthetic is included in your gift! We will provide a stylish backless gown for you to wear and meals during your experience, but don't forget to starve from midnight the night before!
We are looking forward to seeing you on the 9th January.

Don't get me wrong. I am pleased that things are moving quickly as Hector is growing quite quickly and also if it is a tumour I'd rather they took it out sharpish and treated me. I'm just quietly dreading going into hospital. I hate anything medical and I hate sleeping in rooms with strangers. Luckily if all goes well I should only have to stay for one night.

My other gifts were much more pleasant. I had a gorgeous necklace with amethyst, garnet and tanzanite cut stones set in white gold (thank you M), I got some curling tongs, a cosmetic bag (useful for going into hospital), a couple of DVD's, a fun book from CrazieQueen (hugs - also useful for hospital), a beautiful calendar from Old Old Lady of the Hills (thank you dear Naomi) and a selection of wonderful Molten Brown shower and bath gels (they smell divine). All in all I had some lovely gifts and it is always nice to receive a gift from someone as it's nice to be thought of. It gives me a warm feeling :) It counteracts the hospital related fear a little.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T20:39:00.012Z

My Christmas Tree (Dec 2009)

I love Christmas. I always have. I believe it's because I have such good memories of Christmas as a child. I love the good old Christmas songs, carol singing, trimming the tree, giving cards and presents (note the skating nun wrapping paper !)and receiving them too and just the whole warm feeling I get this time of year. I love the sight of brightly wrapped presents under the glow of the lights from the Christmas tree. I just love Christmas.

Of course, Christmas is not really Christmas without an appearance from Santa, and mine takes a well earned rest under the tree.

My tree is trimmed with fruits in reds and gold with garlands of berries and ivy. If you look closely you will also spot the odd glittery star and some birds. In fact a white dove of peace sits atop my tree. (A wider view of my tree cna be seen on my photo blog).

One of my favourite things is to sit with only the lights from the tree and mantle piece on with a nice glass of wine or port and watch a film or read. In fact that is exactly what I am going to do next this Christmas Eve. I've even bought some Belgian chocolates as a treat.

And so as I take up my glass I make a toast to all my wonderful blog friends who lift my spirits when it is flagging and make me smile. Goodwill and peace to you all and wishing you a very Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.

No news...

2008-12-18T21:16:00.004Z

Artwork by Charlotte Ahlgren

I'm in limbo. Or at least that's how it feels. I went to see the consultant only to be told that the results of the test were inconclusive and that they would have to remove Hector to find out exactly what sort of lump it is. Apparently, this is often the case so it begs the question: 'If FNA's are often inconclusive in cases such as mine WHY ON EARTH DID YOU SHOVE A NEEDLE INTO MY THROAT?! Personally I would have been happy to forego that experience and go straight to the surgery seeing as that was always on the cards anyway. It appears that in this case, no news is...well... no news.

So, I will be going for surgery in the New Year where they will remove Hector and the half of my thyroid where it has taken up residence. Once removed Hector will go to the path labs for tests. If Hector is benign then that will be that (other than a blood test to check my half-a-thyroid function). If however Hector is 'suspicious' then I will have to go in and the other half of my thyroid removed and undergo radio-isotope therapy and go onto hormone therapy for the resdt of my life.

My plan is to try and put the whole thing out of my mind as much as possible until after Christmas, but at the moment I'm still a bit miffed. I do not like not knowing.

For what we are about to receive...

2008-12-16T18:54:00.003Z

... May the Lord Make us truly thankful!

Prairie Dog ~ Bristol Zoo, December 2008

I go to the hospital tomorrow for my test results and finally find out what kind of lump Hector is. Thank you to everyone who has stopped by or sent me good wishes, thoughts, prayers and positive vibes since Hector took up residence in my thyroid. Even if Hector didn't take the hint immediately they all helped to buoy my spirits and were truly appreciated.

The photo of the prairie dog was taken on a recent day out at the zoo. The Prairie Dogs had recently been fed and I enjoyed watching them squabble over choice bits of food. I snapped away as they dined and when I got home I noticed that this little fella had his eyes closed. For all the world it looked like he was saying Grace.

I'll post again when I have some news. I'm hoping and parying for the good kind.